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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House buying from family

50 replies

Popatop · 10/05/2022 13:50

Have NC for this but have been on here for a while. Would like some feedback as to who is BU.
My parents needed to pay off their mortgage as it had come to an end. They were unable to continue working due to medical issues and this impacted them a lot. They had 2 properties one that they lived in and one other. I was asked to get a mortgage in my name to pay off their morgage so that the properties wouldn’t both be lost to the bank (mortgages for both were connected). I got the maximum I could get on a mortgage and will be paying it for the next several decades. Helped by them for the deposit as I wasn’t in a position to buy yet. My family lived in the small flat for a short period of time before needing more space and the agreement was to then swap houses. I move with my family to the bigger property they move to the other. The bigger property needs substantial work and is livable but in a real state of disrepair. Many thousands of pounds are needed to get it sorted. The smaller property also needs some work but not to the same level. My parents are refusing to move their things from the house. They say there isn’t enough space and it just needs to stay here. They’ve demanded every single thing from the smaller place be moved and not even a few toys and bits be left for the children when we visit. I have arranged to move any remaining bits and bobs and they are still refusing to move any of theirs as apparently it’s my choice to have bought the house and my responsibility to store their things till they are “ready for them” . My husband is getting sick of being surrounded by their stuff (every single cupboard was at least half full on arrival) and I’m being told I’m unreasonable and selfish for asking them to arrange some storage/ movers etc. We never wanted to live in this area or this house. I’d have far preferred to continue saving and buy a house of our choice which isn’t in a state of disrepair but didn’t want to let them down when they needed help. Realistically it will take years and years for us to now afford to get the work done. Please tell me if I’m BU here?

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 10/05/2022 13:54

Sell it and move to your own place, cut this crazy arrangement. This will be a lifetime of resentment and annoyance, not worth it. It was your choice to buy, it's now your choice to sell.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 10/05/2022 13:56

Sciurus83 · 10/05/2022 13:54

Sell it and move to your own place, cut this crazy arrangement. This will be a lifetime of resentment and annoyance, not worth it. It was your choice to buy, it's now your choice to sell.

Definitely.

Original poster
Popatop · 10/05/2022 13:57

Unfortunately if we sell we aren’t in a position currently to get another mortgage so that isn’t an option.

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 10/05/2022 13:58

Are the properties in your name?

titchy · 10/05/2022 14:00

You took out a mortgage for your parents because they failed to pay their own mortgage themselves ShockShockShock

Bloody hell they saw you coming didn't they?

Sell it and move to where you want to live. Rent if you can't get a mortgage. Though why can't you - surely if you sell you'll pay your/your parents mortgage off?

Original poster
Popatop · 10/05/2022 14:00

@Sciurus83 the bigger house is yes, the smaller flat no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popatop · 10/05/2022 14:02

@titchy as we have a young family I’m not working at the moment to look after them, we couldn’t get a decent mortgage on just my husbands income.
Also the house really wouldn’t sell for much in its current state and we haven’t the funds to sort it it out unfortunately

OP posts:
SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/05/2022 14:03

You need to have a full and frank discussion with your parents without your DH. Let them know that this is coming from you, not him, and that they need to remember that their situation has changed, they are not in any real position to dictate anything to you.

Depending on what the actual legal situation is: whose name is on the deeds; are they paying off the mortgage or any part of it etc etc etc; you need to get them to understand that they are now effectively living off your largesse and that no matter what they would prefer, you and your kids need a house to call your own and, thanks to them, you don't have much choice in which house that will be. So they need to shut up and listen to you, have a good long look at the reality of the situation and make the best of their own bad deal.

It's too late for second thinking this now, you need to put your foot down and get what you need to have done done.

Good luck

Original poster
Popatop · 10/05/2022 14:05

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist thank you for that, helpful advice. I do feel stuck in the middle and trying my best not to upset everyone!

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 10/05/2022 14:06

I think you need to start upsetting people

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 10/05/2022 14:07

What @SamphirethePogoingStickerist said.

Plus I'd be giving them a deadline by which they need to have removed all their stuff from YOUR property or you will bin it.

Heyisforhorses · 10/05/2022 14:18

I feel for you OP, you were pushed into something you didn't want to do resulting in living somewhere you didn't want to live. You have your own family and they are now who you look after. Tell your folks to clear out their stuff, store in attic if needs be but they have to clear out. They have been and are continuing to be really unfair to you. Do they guilt you a lot to get what they want? Be strong and don't be guilted, you need to now look after yourself x

nearlyspringyay · 10/05/2022 14:19

They're royally taking the piss out of you!

Original poster
Popatop · 10/05/2022 14:21

Thank you for all your kind words, they are really appreciated.

OP posts:
Tschecked · 10/05/2022 14:22

Samphire says it all, great advice! Your parents are massively ungrateful for what you did. Sounds like the relationship with them isn't brilliant at the moment so what have you got to lose? If the smaller property is in their name, and the house is in your name just give them the date when you'll be putting their stuff on the driveway, offered for free collection to anyone who wants it. Very sad, but you can't and shouldn't go on like this.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/05/2022 14:27

Popatop · 10/05/2022 14:05

@SamphirethePogoingStickerist thank you for that, helpful advice. I do feel stuck in the middle and trying my best not to upset everyone!

You don't have that luxury. Your parents made some bad decisions and have visited them upon you and your DH. You all now have to live with the reality of that.

The larger house that needs work is your property, from what you have said

The smaller property seems not to be in your name but is still entwined with your mortgage?

So are your parents paying anything towards that mortgage? Or are you now picking up the payments they didn't make?

I know you won't want to explain all the details here but you have got to get your head around the fact that digging your parents out of a hole they dug deep means that they sold you their money troubles. They need to live within the situation they built and you need to be clear on that.

Take a deep breath and maybe write it all down, so you get it clear in your head. Then tell your parents what actually has to happen now.

Best of luck.

theemmadilemma · 10/05/2022 14:32

Do you mean you have a loan rather than a mortgage? Mortgage would require you on the deeds... in which case that changes things...

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 10/05/2022 14:37

Another vote for @SamphirethePogoingStickerist said.

time to decide what you want from this situation, and tell them what’s going to happen - regardless of what they think. This is one time I would say that the person financing it (you) gets to dictate what now happens.

viques · 10/05/2022 14:38

I foresee a cartload of trouble if either parent needs residential care in the future, untangling your finances and ownership will be tortuous. I hope you had some good advice from a solicitor before you entered into this strange arrangement.

Original poster
Popatop · 10/05/2022 14:49

I have a mortgage for the larger house. My name all normal mortgage as it were, as if I bought the house. Well I did buy the house I suppose! The smaller flat is in my parents names so no legal cross over now.
it’s just difficult to get them to deal with their stuff as there is a lot of it and I think they aren’t happy moving to the smaller home even though they seemed happy with the idea before, much better location and sensible place for them to be.

I definitely need to have a conversation with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popatop · 10/05/2022 14:52

Sorry meant to add that part of the problem is they feel they have done us a huge favour by “giving us the house” , it was sold to us for a bit under market value, although they seem to think it’s worth what it would be worth once all the works would be completed. In reality houses in this area aren’t selling and haven’t much for a long time, even pristine ones. Probably part of the reason they felt they needed to sell it to me in the first place I’m now seeing. It’s difficult with parents isn’t it!

OP posts:
Crimeismymiddlename · 10/05/2022 15:15

Unfortunately, your last update makes a lot of sense. They knew that they would not be able to sell the house and so got you to buy it while they gave you a ‘discount’ to give themselves leverage when you started pushing back.
Parents are difficult, and of course this is the situation now. However you own the house, and considering you saved them from homelessness, you need to stop behaving like they are in charge or they will keep causing issues. First of all it’s time to treat them like the venders they are, give them a date that the crap they are storing in your home must be removed, on that date have a skip booked. They will throw almighty tantrums, accuse you of taking advantage of them, demand that you move back to the flat that you don’t own and all sorts, they can do that, but they wanted this situation.
Honestly if I was you I would just make it look nice and put it back on the market.

Sciurus83 · 10/05/2022 15:16

It’s difficult with parents isn’t it!

Honestly? No. Most parents wouldn't do this yo their children.

Lilyhatesjaz · 10/05/2022 15:26

Reading your last post, it would be a good idea to get a couple of estate agents to have a look at it and give you a selling valuation, then even if you don't want to sell you will be able to tell your parents what it is actually worth in it's current state

theemmadilemma · 10/05/2022 15:32

In which case I'd be very tempted to sell and move just to avoid any future 'that's our house' shit they try to pull like they are now.

If you can, some serious conversations need to be had and boundries put in place. It is not their house anymore.