House buying from family

[Popatop]

Have NC for this but have been on here for a while. Would like some feedback as to who is BU.
My parents needed to pay off their mortgage as it had come to an end. They were unable to continue working due to medical issues and this impacted them a lot. They had 2 properties one that they lived in and one other. I was asked to get a mortgage in my name to pay off their morgage so that the properties wouldn’t both be lost to the bank (mortgages for both were connected). I got the maximum I could get on a mortgage and will be paying it for the next several decades. Helped by them for the deposit as I wasn’t in a position to buy yet. My family lived in the small flat for a short period of time before needing more space and the agreement was to then swap houses. I move with my family to the bigger property they move to the other. The bigger property needs substantial work and is livable but in a real state of disrepair. Many thousands of pounds are needed to get it sorted. The smaller property also needs some work but not to the same level. My parents are refusing to move their things from the house. They say there isn’t enough space and it just needs to stay here. They’ve demanded every single thing from the smaller place be moved and not even a few toys and bits be left for the children when we visit. I have arranged to move any remaining bits and bobs and they are still refusing to move any of theirs as apparently it’s my choice to have bought the house and my responsibility to store their things till they are “ready for them” . My husband is getting sick of being surrounded by their stuff (every single cupboard was at least half full on arrival) and I’m being told I’m unreasonable and selfish for asking them to arrange some storage/ movers etc. We never wanted to live in this area or this house. I’d have far preferred to continue saving and buy a house of our choice which isn’t in a state of disrepair but didn’t want to let them down when they needed help. Realistically it will take years and years for us to now afford to get the work done. Please tell me if I’m BU here?

Sadly for some of us this is what our parents think we are for. That's probably why I was able to be so blunt for OP, I've had plenty of practice.

It can be really hard to stand up for yourself when this has been what all that childhood training was for.

Yes @Popatop it can be hard. But you have got to make that last switch, take that last step and relegate your parents to "less important than". Your kids and your DH are your primary concern now.

I like the idea of getting a fresh valuation done on the house. Give yourself some actual facts to throw back at the "we gave you the house" comments.

You posted about this last week?
Has anything changed?

Great idea. And a quote from a storage company for their stuff.

Remind them that the house belongs to you and DH. You are paying a mortgage on it. It is your DC's home. You all want and need to be able to call it home and to have full access to its amenities. I'd give them 2 months to sort (ideal time for a car boot sale) before you dispose of everything.

Remember, this is your home.

It does sound a little familiar, although I was giving OP the benefit of the doubt.

If I remember correctly, last weeks post said that the two properties belonged to ILs and the switch hadn't yet taken place.

@Gazelda I read that post and it was a little similar to my situation however that wasn’t me. It did actually prompt me, after some internal debate to post on here for advice!
@SamphirethePogoingStickerist sorry to hear you understand where I’m coming from. Honestly have been abit shocked with the way they have treated the situation as was sure as my parents they wouldn’t ever cause me problems like this. Unfortunately I think they truly believe they have done us a favour rather than us helping them so whatever I say they think it’s me being horrible for no reason.

Tell them you intend decorating the place immediately and need their stuff out in order to do it. Give them the choice of you taking all over within the next two weeks or having it put in storage. Look up storage prices and show them cheapest options. This shows you are serious. Tell then their things will be put in bin bags and brought over to them if they don't come and sort it themselves. If that is not done either actually take it across to them or put in bin bags and store in back of garage (if you have one). Stress that it needs to go quickly so you can start the house improvements/decorating so you have no choice but to move it out of house. Obviously it won't be going back in. Press straight ahead with the decorating even if you can only afford one room. The sooner the house has your choices of decoration the sooner it will seem to you and them that it is yours. Failing everything else I would be taking some of their things over every time you visit

Has the small house got room for a decent sized shed?

@Popatop

Before you clear or renovate/decorate the house, ensure you take photos and videos of the house as you go along so you physical record of how the house looks now, with all your parents' stuff still crammed in and as you get work done to improve the property. This is evidence, should you need it, together with the valuation and your mortgage documents that the situation as as you say it is. You may not need all of it, but best prepared- especially with your parents behaving the way they are currently and to preempt any legal issues in the future. 🌹

OP, I had to read your post twice as I was so shocked that parents could behave this way.

I know you say everything was done properly & you are the owner of the house, name on deeds etc. But please get legal advice to make certain of your position.

Thereafter, you need to prioritise your own family - DH & DC. Stand up to your parents, and insist they move their belongings. They clearly see the house as theirs still. If the don't, box them up & deliver them to them.

Then make a plan for this house. What do you want to do, ultimately? I know you say you can't sell it now, as you couldn't afford to buy another house. But you also don't want to pour £££ into a house you don't want to live in where there is a complicated arrangement.

There must be an interim plan where you can prioritise some work & make a plan to move out.

What is the situation with the flat? Who is paying the mortgage there?

My name all normal mortgage as it were, as if I bought the house.

When you say 'my name' you mean you + DH I assume? If you are married, the house is jointly owned.

It’s difficult with parents isn’t it!

It's difficult with these parents - they haven't behaved like most caring parents would.

Where was DH in all the discussions? I'm amazed that no-one saw this was a terrible plan. You need to properly agree between you both what is the best plan now.

When you say 'my name' you mean you + DH I assume? If you are married, the house is jointly owned.

This isn't true. Getting married doesn't mean everything one person owns automatically also belongs to the other.

Sorry I missed these other comments. Thank you for the advice given. I’m sure my parents haven’t tried to deliberately cause these problems rather they see it as doing me a favour. I do really believe that but I do need to address these issues and try and sort out a plan going forward. Thanks all!

Sorry you're going through this. All previous advice is really good.

Feels like there is two key issues - firstly the immediate problem of them not moving their stuff out. As PP have said, having a direct conversation with your parents is needed.

Secondly, what do you want to do in the long term. You don't need to keep this house if you don't like it. You've got to weigh up the cost of renovating a house you don't love (will you ultimately want to stay there long term) vs the cost of renting in a house/area you like.

This. You did them a favour, not the other way around and I'd remind them of that.

I'd be telling them you get your shit out of the house this week, or I hire a skip and the dump gets it.

Perhaps it's different in the UK? My apologies if so - I'm in Ireland.

Here, the family home is automatically jointly owned if you are married. (It was changed to this to essentially protect women, especially decades ago when often women did not work).

It's of course not the case that anything purchased in a marriage is automatically jointly owned - but the family home is. I'm a little surprised that you are indicating this is untrue in the UK.

Well you need to set them straight - they have behaved appalling. You need to protect your family now.

The whole idea was poorly thought out & now you need to figure out how to make the best of it, moving ahead.

Is the hold they have over you the fact they gave you deposit to purchase the house? Who is paying mortgage on flat? It sounds complex. Did you have valuation on house before buying it or did parents just tell you what it was worth?

I am confused - if you can't get a mortgage, how did you get a mortgage to buy the house?

When your parents couldn't pay the mortgage, they not needed to sell up and buy something smaller and more manageable.

Instead, you and your parents are both living in a property which you don't want to live in.

In the short term, tell your parents they either need to collect their stuff (direct them to minimalism YouTube, Minimal Mom is great) or you will skip the lot.

@Minimalme i was working a good full time job when getting the mortgage. I’be left now to look after my young children. So wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage as before without an income. We can afford the mortgage and bills on my husbands wages - just. But there is no spare money at all to get works done. Unfortunately we also couldn’t afford the childcare fees for the children for me to go back to work yet. Hopefully this will change as they get abit older and will help with options.

Thanks for the other posters. It’s definitely helped me see that I’m not being unreasonable.

Well then it is your house, in your name and your parents should have moved all their stuff out when they sold it to you.

They don't sound like nice people so don't treat them as though they are.

was working a good full time job when getting the mortgage. I’be left now to look after my young children. So wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage as before without an income. We can afford the mortgage and bills on my husbands wages - just. But there is no spare money at all to get works done.

Oh OP. Why on earth did you make such a foolish decision? I'm sorry to be harsh but taking on a mortgage when you had a job, and then moving out of employment so you've left yourselves in a really tight position with no spare money for repairs is madness.

If you were working until recently, what has changed with DC & childcare? Those were obviously factors when you applied for & got the mortgage - unless you did it ages ago? So why is working not an option now?

Thank you for the many helpful comments. I’m going to leave the thread now as I’ve got the answers I needed. Thanks everyone

I think you've actually decided not to engage with the more blunt responses like me - which is fine of course - but do give serious thought to your situation, it seems really precarious. Good luck.

The app is acting up.

This is my post in full (worked on browser, didn't on app)

I think you've actually decided not to engage with the more blunt responses like me - which is fine of course - but do give serious thought to your situation, it seems really precarious. Good luck.