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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I HAVE been unreasonable

32 replies

mycat22 · 10/05/2022 10:46

So I am currently pregnant and have the best partner I could ask for. I have been monumentally idiotic.

This morning I have been going through our outgoings in prep for mat leave etc and went on his phone contract to change it to SIM only to save some money. He knows I have access to this obviously! So I see a charge outside the normal allowance and it's a picture message to a random number. Automatically I think the worst so withhold my number and ring it and it's a woman that answers. I am scared and just hang up. Writing this I feel like an idiot and some flipping immature child. I am thinking he is cheating. Now please believe me when I say I am normally not a paranoid idiot but I think it's feeling fat and unattractive with no sex life which is making me think the worst.

So I ring him, at work, and he says it was a picture of tools he wanted which he send to the store woman at work - he has screenshotted me the text conversation and also her number on a written letter from work (which is to do with the process of ordering tools i.e texting her!!) I feel like such an idiot and awful that I ever doubted him.

He is mad at me now.

OP posts:
JustJoinedRightNow · 10/05/2022 10:51

Did you apologize? And does it all seem legit?

Antarcticant · 10/05/2022 10:51

You saw something odd and asked him about it - depending on your tone of voice and so on it might have come across as an overreaction, but I think most people would at least query something like this. I'm guessing you are over-emotional due to pregnancy hormones so he should cut you some slack.

Original poster
mycat22 · 10/05/2022 10:56

@JustJoinedRightNow I have apologised but he is still mad. Definitely legit he has sent me the screenshot of the picture he sent at the exact time the EE app says the message was sent and also sent me that exact number from a work document so he is definitely not lying. God I feel stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
mycat22 · 10/05/2022 10:59

@Antarcticant yes maybe my tone was a bit accusatory without knowing any facts.Hopefully he will have calmed down later? He was more angry at the fact I rang him at work (we always text) so he thought something was wrong with baby. Argh if I only I wasn't so emotional!!

OP posts:
WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 10/05/2022 11:00

You fucked up, it can't have been very nice for him to be on the receiving end of accusations, but it happens.

When he gets home, apologise, tell him what you've said here about feeling crap about yourself at the moment too.

Pregnancy is a pretty hormonal and irrational time, you're going to feel paranoid, or tearful, or angry sometimes for no good reason, so he should accept your apology and move on quickly. Don't beat yourself up about it Flowers

MarJau26 · 10/05/2022 11:01

I don't blame him for being mad. You made a huge leap there and accused him of something. I guess all you can do is apologize and take a minute to think next time how you deal with situations.

R00K · 10/05/2022 11:01

I'd find it difficult to regain trust after this. Why didn't you ask him first?

Antarcticant · 10/05/2022 11:01

Yes, apologise and explain it was your hormones talking.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/05/2022 11:06

Why would most people query 1 message sent out of allowance.? Do you all discuss your messages with your partners. I understand feeling hormonal around pregnancy but really it is not ok to be phoning a random number and then ringing your husband at work to find out what is going on. Also had you discussed changing his phone contract to sim only?
I would be furious if my partner automatically assumed I was cheating because my phone account listed 1 picture message

donquixotedelamancha · 10/05/2022 11:07

I think most people would at least query something like this.

Anyone who think's they should know every number in their partner's phone, check every message and query the ones they don't know is either abusive or with someone so untrustworthy that the relationship is dead.

I have apologised but he is still mad.

He's got every right to be mad but being mad because someone fucks up and then getting over it is a normal part of relationships. Listen to him, apologise again and explain how you felt, acknowleging it was unreasonable- job done.

You are shortly going to push something the size of a melon through a hole the size of a grape; he has to forgive you, it's the rules :-)

donquixotedelamancha · 10/05/2022 11:10

Why would most people query 1 message sent out of allowance.? Do you all discuss your messages with your partners.

It's MN- a fair proportion of the responses will not be conducive to a healthy relationship.

RishiRich · 10/05/2022 11:10

You might feel daft but it's understandable with mad pregnancy hormones and I'm sure your DP will forgive you.

Not quite the same, but when I was very heavily pregnant with DC1 I abandoned my (empty) basket in the middle of Sainsbury's, burst into tears and demanded to be taken to Tesco, because 'I hate this shop and there's nothing I want to buy here' 🙄H thought I was an utter lunatic but placated the mad pregnant woman and drove me to Tesco.

Antarcticant · 10/05/2022 11:12

Why would most people query 1 message sent out of allowance.?

Because it was a picture message to a random-seeming number. You don't normally send picture messages to, say, new business contacts.

Original poster
mycat22 · 10/05/2022 11:14

Thank you to those understanding ladies here, appreciate your support.

Just to say no I don't check anything, EVER in fact. It was the one time I logged on and noticed this that's all. This must be the first time I have logged on as it has just been contract for as long as I can remember. Of course he is aware we were changing to SIM only, we have discussed that.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 10/05/2022 11:16

The fact you feel this bad means you won't do it again. You have a lot of grovelling to do, think making nice meal, a heck of a lot of apologising, but if he is a nice guy as you say he should forgive you and get over it!

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 10/05/2022 11:28

Mariposista · 10/05/2022 11:16

The fact you feel this bad means you won't do it again. You have a lot of grovelling to do, think making nice meal, a heck of a lot of apologising, but if he is a nice guy as you say he should forgive you and get over it!

Why should op have to grovel, make meals and repeatedly apologise? Confused

He's an adult, presumably with some understanding of how pregnancy and hormones work. She should apologise and tell him she feels shit and why, he should accept that, then they should move on. That's what adults do, not grovel about for days on end for forgiveness for a pretty minor fuck up in the grand scheme of things.

oakleaffy · 10/05/2022 11:39

mycat22 · 10/05/2022 10:59

@Antarcticant yes maybe my tone was a bit accusatory without knowing any facts.Hopefully he will have calmed down later? He was more angry at the fact I rang him at work (we always text) so he thought something was wrong with baby. Argh if I only I wasn't so emotional!!

Pregnancy and babyhood/toddlerdom is a classic time for men to ''Stray'', so I can understand your suspicion.

Phones are so often the way people do get found out these days, hopefully he will understand.

fruitbrewhaha · 10/05/2022 11:52

donquixotedelamancha · 10/05/2022 11:10

Why would most people query 1 message sent out of allowance.? Do you all discuss your messages with your partners.

It's MN- a fair proportion of the responses will not be conducive to a healthy relationship.

I have zero idea who my DP speaks to on the phone. He is on it all the time for work and many of those are women. And he has zero input on who I am in contact with. And that is normal.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/05/2022 11:58

Because it was a picture message to a random-seeming number. You don't normally send picture messages to, say, new business contacts

So you would expect your partner to inform you if they send a picture message to a number you don't know.?

Original poster
mycat22 · 10/05/2022 12:03

To those who are thinking I am checking everything; I don't and have never done so before now. The point I am making is that due to pregnancy hormones I got worried and yes went about asking him in the wrong way. I, like most, do not check up on my partner and do not know who he speaks to on the phone. I think my point is under normal circumstances I wouldn't have batted an eyelid but feeling so unattractive and pregnant at the moment I over reacted which I admit Blush

OP posts:
Irishfarmer · 10/05/2022 12:11

He's a bit annoyed now but I am sure he will have cooled off before he finishes work. Just apologise, we all can be a little insecure/ sensitive sometimes. Tell him you shouldn't have questioned him (from your post it is clear you know you shouldn't) and that you are sorry. Pregnancy hormones really are something else!!

Also if you can, prepare his fav dinner for tonight. Or a take away.

SuziSecondLaw · 10/05/2022 12:14

I must be a bit odd because if my dp did this I'd think it was hilarious 🤣
I never use my dps phone, I find it confusing, but he uses mine occasionally just to Google search something or whatever if mine is closer. If he found something that concerned him and it turned out to be something innocent like this, I'd find it really funny..
Honestly, can we not just laugh things off anymore?

Indicatrice · 10/05/2022 12:17

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 10/05/2022 11:28

Why should op have to grovel, make meals and repeatedly apologise? Confused

He's an adult, presumably with some understanding of how pregnancy and hormones work. She should apologise and tell him she feels shit and why, he should accept that, then they should move on. That's what adults do, not grovel about for days on end for forgiveness for a pretty minor fuck up in the grand scheme of things.

Show quote history

Agreed, there is no need for OP to grovel.

Tiredmamaaa · 10/05/2022 12:17

You poor soul 💗 he will forgive you and one day you will both laugh at this! You are pregnant, your hormones are running wild, and you got scared of something that was out of the norm. He will see that once he calms down and realises no harm has been done. Give him time to be annoyed, apologise, grovel a little bit and in a while, this will be a funny pregnancy story you will laugh at. I know my husband and I have plenty of my mad pregnancy moments that we laugh at now 😂

Ikeptgoing · 10/05/2022 12:28

Lol- a mad pregnancy moment

Your DP may be cross right now but he'll soon see grubby side of it, just talk to him when he gets home about pregnancy hormones and how it was out of character for you .
I'd be more worried about him holding a grudge if he can't see that it was clearly a one off hour of madness!