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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my abuser to court was a total waste of my time.

49 replies

Ladleo · 10/05/2022 08:20

Aibu? It took 5yrs to come to court. I had to face him in the courthouse because the privacy curtain wasn't allowed due to covid. Being grilled on the stand for hours was harrowing & exhausting. I was humiliated as details of my private therapy sessions were openly discussed. He got a pathetic prison sentence and will be out in half the time with good behaviour. He now spends his days watching tv and studying for a degree at our expense. For me it was a pointless exercise. There is no justice. I get nothing out of it.

OP posts:
Backtothefutureagain · 10/05/2022 08:21

I mean it will be on his record forever and he will have to disclose it at future job interviews, relationships will more than likely be hugely effected, etc. i don’t think it was a waste of time. What were you hoping for?

Notanotherusernamenow · 10/05/2022 08:22

It’s on his record and under Sarah’s law, future partners will know what he did. You took him to justice and have created a future that is safer for other women and their children. You should be really proud of yourself.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 10/05/2022 08:23

I’m so sorry, you were so courageous.

Perhaps your actions will make it harder for him to get away with it if he ever tried it again.

Maybe the next person won’t suffer like you did.

Hugs and ☕️ 🧁

Herja · 10/05/2022 08:23

That pretty much sums up why I have never reported anything. Fear of that, or being viewed as 'not credible' and never getting that far. Two of them are dead before their time through their own twattishness now, while I'm here and doing well. I consider that the punishment and ignore the remaining bastard.

Crazykatie · 10/05/2022 08:28

That’s the problem taking an abuser to court multiplies the emotional damage.

WeAreTheHeroes · 10/05/2022 08:31

You are very brave. What a difficult thing to do. He's got a criminal conviction and is forever marked as an abuser. He won't be able to hurt anyone else. Concentrate on yourself - what he does now is irrelevant. Whoever is telling you what he's doing needs reminding that he is the bad guy and you're not interested in what things are like for him.

I served on a jury in a historic abuse case and the abuser was found guilty. He got a much longer sentence than I had expected. Rightly so. The woman he had abused was treated with care and respect. The judge was excellent, but also sadly an expert on such cases. Are you in the UK? Can you access support services to help you?

Original poster
Ladleo · 10/05/2022 08:32

Backtothefutureagain · 10/05/2022 08:21

I mean it will be on his record forever and he will have to disclose it at future job interviews, relationships will more than likely be hugely effected, etc. i don’t think it was a waste of time. What were you hoping for?

What was I hoping for? I guess to have my experience witnessed. But that's not what happens. You have to stay out of court for the entire thing apart from your moment on the stand. And I didn't go in the gallery to hear the verdict because his family were there. I feel like I missed out on the whole thing. When you're x-examined the defence barrister does their level best to keep the acts out of discussion and focus attention on your credibility instead. I also missed the opportunity to read a victim statement because I tried and tried but I couldn't find the words.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 10/05/2022 08:33

Thank you for what you did. It will help other women. I'm sorry the cost was so high, and the pay off so small.

user1471462428 · 10/05/2022 08:36

You’ve kept other women safe by getting him sentenced. I’m proud of your actions.

itsmeagainlol · 10/05/2022 08:41

user1471462428 · 10/05/2022 08:36

You’ve kept other women safe by getting him sentenced. I’m proud of your actions.

So true. You've been brave and honourable. You've helped other women. He will suffer the consequences of his actions for life. You've set yourself free by telling the truth about him.

MzHz · 10/05/2022 08:46

I echo the admiration and pride for you!

you have been through hell, and back again - literally

and it didn’t break you. You’re still here, still standing and he got convicted

you were heard AND believed

the fact that you didn’t read the victim impact statement by he STILL got a custodial sentence says a lot.

this is on his record, it will be forever and the fact is that YOU put it there.

you might have just done something that means a life is saved.

you’re a heroine!

Tormenteddd · 10/05/2022 08:52

Court is … a necessary evil I guess.

You have stood up for yourself and for potentially other victims. Stay strong 💪🏻 And be kind to yourself x

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/05/2022 08:56

It feels like shit but you did it.

Neverreturntoathread · 10/05/2022 09:00

I’m so sorry OP. I admire you hugely for taking him to Court. I know he should be in there longer, I know it’s unjust and appalling but at least while he is there, he isn’t hurting some other woman, and that’s not nothing. When he comes out, he’ll have a criminal record and it’ll be much harder to find work. That’s something too. His family have seen him for who he is and heard what he’s done and his relationships with them will be forever changed.

He may look like he’s having a great time in there but I bet there will be some scary situations for him too.

For good or bad, it’s done. You can finally draw a line under the court case and start planning the rest of your life. I hope good things happen for you. xxx

Phos · 10/05/2022 09:15

He got a conviction and a prison sentence, albeit one you're not content with. I'm not sure what more you could have expected?

helpfulperson · 10/05/2022 09:19

I know from the outside prison can look cushy but really it's not, especially for abusers. Either he will be alone 100% of the time or always fearful of being attacked. It may not be as long a sentence as you would like but it will ruin his life going forward.

ThreeLocusts · 10/05/2022 09:20

Hi OP, I'm really sorry it all was so harrowing and you got so little out of it. But I have huge respect for you. You did the right thing.

Sat on the tram yesterday and listened to a bloke berating his wife on the phone for calling the police on him when he was drunk and attacking her.

Saying you'll never submit the divorce papers, it's not because I'm violent it's because you're a slut, you're bearing my name you answer to me... I was sitting there wanting to punch him, silently begging his wife to submit those papers.

It's so hard to escape these situations, even harder to fight back. I'm so glad you did, it makes me feel better after that horrible encounter.💐

AndSoFinally · 10/05/2022 09:24

Aren't you entitled to some sort of compensation now? I could be wrong but my friend went through a similar case. Her abuser wasn't even convicted due to lack of evidence, but she got thousands paid through the Victim Compensation Scheme (I think that's what it was called). This was about 10 years ago so I'm not sure what the criteria were.

Original poster
Ladleo · 10/05/2022 09:32

You don't get thousands in compensation. You get 100% of your first charge, 30% of your 2nd & 10% of your 3rd. You can't claim for any more. It's so low it's insulting.

OP posts:
bluedomino · 10/05/2022 09:36

You must feel like you've been abused all over again but you were so brave. You stood up to your bullying abuser and you were believed. He will never shake the label that he is an abuser and a bully. He will never be able to start a relationship without knowing they can check up on him and discover his true colours. And YOU did that for all the other women. That's a fantastic thing. While he should be in prison forever, even when he gets out, who will want to employ him (even with his degree) or think this relationship has a future. Everyone who knows him now knows what he is. His punishment will extend past prison. And let's hope in prison he will discover what fear and terror feels like from the other side. You are amazing. Strong, selfless and a hero. I cant thank you enough.

Luculentus · 10/05/2022 09:37

Is that through the Criminal Injuries Compensation scheme, OP?

Original poster
Ladleo · 10/05/2022 11:59

I believe so @Luculentus

OP posts:
AndSoFinally · 10/05/2022 14:37

Ladleo, I don't remember the exact amount but it definitely was several thousand. Not that it makes up for anything obviously

notanothertakeaway · 10/05/2022 14:42

He was convicted and received a prison sentence. That will follow him everywhere he goes. You did a great job. Well done

JaniceBattersby · 10/05/2022 14:47

OP I work with a lot of women in your exact shoes, who’ve been through the whole court experience and it has been a very unsatisfactory experience at best, and at worst it has given them additional serious trauma.

I say the same to all of them. Every single woman that takes a man to court for this behaviour makes it easier for women in the future to do the same. They ease the passage for the next generation and they chip away a little bit at the assumption by these men that they can get away with this behaviour.

You’ve done a wonderful thing. Please take some solace from that x

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