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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking my abuser to court was a total waste of my time.

49 replies

Ladleo · 10/05/2022 08:20

Aibu? It took 5yrs to come to court. I had to face him in the courthouse because the privacy curtain wasn't allowed due to covid. Being grilled on the stand for hours was harrowing & exhausting. I was humiliated as details of my private therapy sessions were openly discussed. He got a pathetic prison sentence and will be out in half the time with good behaviour. He now spends his days watching tv and studying for a degree at our expense. For me it was a pointless exercise. There is no justice. I get nothing out of it.

OP posts:
Neverendingmindfuck · 10/05/2022 14:57

Please don't doubt yourself now. You have done the hardest thing you may ever have to do in your life.
And you're still standing.
Bloody amazing 👏
He can get as many qualifications as he wants but a turd rolled in glitter is still a turd.
He isn't worth your thoughts any longer. It sounds like you have given this reject enough of your life.
The rest of your life is just for you 💐

Marvellousmadness · 10/05/2022 15:41

You stood up for your self!
You took back control!
You got him sentenced
This will be on his record for ever
And you may have saved some other women of him (now and in the future)

This IS victory
Maybe not jail time wise. But personal wise IT IS.

Hold your head up high. Be proud . Take a breath
Know you are awesome. Go out and live the best life. Look up. You are going places girl!

Daisyblush · 10/05/2022 15:44

This above. Please don’t underestimate the impact of what you’ve done.

Lovemusic33 · 10/05/2022 15:47

Thank you OP for what you did, it may seem pointless but it really isn’t, he is now known as ‘a known abuser’ it is on his record and this can be accessed when he applies for work or through Sarah’s law, if what you did stops just one woman from being abused then it has to be a good thing?

I didn’t take my abuser to court, I was advised that I would not win and told I would have to stand up in court in front of him, I was told it was my word against his (no evidence), I was advised to drop the charges. I hate the fact that he’s probably out there doing the same to someone else.

pinkpapaya · 10/05/2022 15:48

So sorry you had to go through this. As someone once said to me, when you go to court you get the law, you don't necessarily get justice. At least this POS will be on the offenders register. So sorry.

MardyOldGoth · 10/05/2022 15:52

I'm so sorry that it was so traumatic and disheartening for you. I think you've done a wonderful thing and you should be very proud that you stood up to him and didn't just let him get away with his appalling behaviour. Takes a lot of guts to do what you did, and it is part of a culture change where victims/survivors no longer accept abuse.

Kaibashira · 10/05/2022 15:56

Notanotherusernamenow · 10/05/2022 08:22

It’s on his record and under Sarah’s law, future partners will know what he did. You took him to justice and have created a future that is safer for other women and their children. You should be really proud of yourself.

All of this.

You're incredible for being so brave.

Ladleo · 10/05/2022 16:16

One thing that boils my piss is that certain women & local friends still support him in prison because a) they don't believe it & b) he never did anything to them. He already had a previous conviction when I took him to court. I found that out afterwards.

OP posts:
MrsJorahMormont · 10/05/2022 16:37

I really admire you OP and that's all I can really say. I hope you can be proud of what you have done not just for yourself but for all those he has harmed and would have harmed. Don't underestimate what you have done.

picklemewalnuts · 10/05/2022 17:38

Ladleo · 10/05/2022 16:16

One thing that boils my piss is that certain women & local friends still support him in prison because a) they don't believe it & b) he never did anything to them. He already had a previous conviction when I took him to court. I found that out afterwards.

That's their stupidity. Sadly, people don't want to believe things. They would be complicit in ignoring it or missing signs, so they don't want to admit it's true.

On the bright side, you now know their judgement is dodgy and can't be trusted!

Kris02 · 10/05/2022 17:56

First of all, let me say how much I admire you. Pursuing an abuser through the courts takes courage. As for it being a waste of time, that's not true. This will hang over him for the rest of his life. Only the worst kind of filthy paedophile, the sort whose life is spent in and out of jail, could be unaffected.

People should hound these b*stards, whether it ends with a conviction or not. Even if someone reports a historic case, and it's dropped for lack of evidence, it is still worth doing. For a start, the abuser must confront what he has done. Even if he denies it, and tries to wriggle free, it still means admitting it to himself. Of course, many people genuinely don't care. But most live with what they've done by denying or repressing it. Since no one ever complained, they can convince themselves that it really wasn't so bad, or that it wasn't even abuse. When they have to go to the station for questioning, however, they're forced to accept that someone really was hurt – and that they did wrong.

Also, don't forget that a prison sentence isn't always the worst punishment. The worst bit is having to face your wife, parents and children. I remember watching a documentary on 'Operation Ore,' for example, which was the largest ever crackdown on men viewing child pornography. One of the policeman was asked what he thought of their sentences, and the fact that most were let off with a warning. He replied that the real punishment came outside of the courts – the end of their marriage, their friends not talking to them, their children being asked if daddy had ever touched them, etc.

I have known several people who were abused. Not one of them went to the police. And no doubt the men who did it are now happily married, with successful careers and high social standing. And no doubt they sit in the pub and shake their head in disgust when friends talk about Jimmy Saville or Harvey Weinstein. Meanwhile their victims are scarred for life. It makes me so **ing angry,

I would urge anyone who feels up to it to report abuse, no matter how long ago it happened. For all you know, the a*sehole could be abusing someone else this very minute.

supadupapupascupa · 10/05/2022 18:12

You didn't let him get away with it.
You stood up for yourself and showed him it's not ok.
You protected future women and children.
You disrupted his life.
You disrupted his future life.
You followed through a situation to its end. You didn't just walk away thinking what if.

You did the right thing.

I am proud of you xxx

Plasticpenelope · 10/05/2022 18:46

I think you've been amazing and you've stood up to show abusers that they can't get away with it. He's had to go to court and he's got a criminal record.

If you want to write your victim statement here, or send me a PM, I am happy to witness it. You deserve to be heard and validated.

Flowers
Felix125 · 10/05/2022 19:00

Don't see it as a waste of time - you got a successful prosecution at court with your bravery to pursue it through a difficult trial.

95% of the population of are behind you, the judicial system is behind you and the support services are behind you.

The courts are limited as to the sentences they can impose however

Newmum1998 · 11/05/2022 10:38

I think you’re amazing
My abuser was recently charged for DA towards me and I may have to go to court and I am so nervous
I admire you for what you have achieved

Mandodari · 11/05/2022 10:45

I have nothing but respect and awe for you. The deck is stacked against victims yet despite this, you went ahead and sought justice. You should feel very proud - not only were you strong enough to not let him ruin your life, you were strong enough to publicly name his crime. Stay strong.

KittenKins · 11/05/2022 11:36

Ladleo · 10/05/2022 16:16

One thing that boils my piss is that certain women & local friends still support him in prison because a) they don't believe it & b) he never did anything to them. He already had a previous conviction when I took him to court. I found that out afterwards.

Some people won't ever believe what they are blind to. However the court believed YOU, you did that. It was your experience, your pain, your suffering & you have the right to feel however you feel.

I think a lot of people think court gives the victim closure & everything is thus okay. For some maybe it is, but not for most.
It's especially sad courts allow private therapy sessions, I was warned in advance, but even so...

What you have done will protect future victims, both while he is in prison & after. Now you have time to focus on healing in a truly private space.

I'm sorry you were ever in this position, look after yourself

Fml1980 · 11/05/2022 11:55

It takes a lot of courage to do what you did, coming from someone who has been abused and stalked (not by the same person) you need to come to peace with this.
You have done everything you could! And now other people will know what this person has done.
Do not let him win by making you feel it was worthless.

peacocktail · 11/05/2022 11:59

I think that you are fantastic for getting him a guilt verdict even though a short sentence. You have no idea how much you are helping others in the future.
Well done.

Irishfarmer · 11/05/2022 12:13

You are a brave woman, I can't imagine what that was all like to go through. But he is getting jail time. Even if its isn't for as long as you would like I think the loss of freedom for any period would be something most people would struggle with.

MatildaTheCat · 11/05/2022 12:16

His punishment was never going to be enough. But you were believed, OP. The truth has been seen by a Judge despite the efforts of the defence barrister.

I’ve been sort of in your shoes. Going to court is a huge trauma. I had a lot of therapy afterwards. Some years down the line I feel much stronger about it all but it cannot be underestimated how massive a deal it is.

the Police believed you.
The CPS believed you.
The Judge/ jury believed you.

That is a very big deal indeed.

best wishes in your recovery.

crashingagainandagain · 11/05/2022 12:22

You did a great great thing OP, well done.

You need to stop caring about any supporters he has, they aren’t worth your time.

Now you can start to rebuild your life

MadeForThis · 11/05/2022 12:23

You were the victim and he was found guilty. That will never change.

Well done and thank you.

sheepandcaravan · 11/05/2022 12:30

OP, well done.

You are incredibly brave, and with time you will feel that pride.

You say you want to be heard, I hear you, we hear you.

How about writing that statement, for you. Put it here if that helps, or burn it. Or whatever helps. Change some details, but I'm certainly happy to listen.

Well done.

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