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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up of being at home alone

49 replies

MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 07:46

My husband is currently working away, he is one week in and has until the middle of June to go. However he will be back a few days and go off again. This is a repeating cycle.

I am left at home looking after 3 young DS, running the house, and working a full on full time job! I’m fed up.

Yes, I know he’s away working but feels unfair share of the workload. For full disclosure I do have a cleaner 2 hours per week.

Im here wondering what the benefit of being married is?! Am I a bitch?

The work is 100% genuine incase anyone is suspicious.

OP posts:
OnceAgainWithFeeling · 10/05/2022 07:48

Is the working away a new thing? Struggling to understand why you would make the choices you have if it’s been a long standing thing.

(My H worked away when DD was a baby but stopped before she turned 2. She’s over 10 now and I’m away more than I’m at home most months. Those changes have been organic.)

coffeecupsandfairylights · 10/05/2022 07:48

Was he working away before you got married and had DS?

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who was never home either.

Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 07:50

No, this is a new thing! It started in September last year.

OP posts:
OnceAgainWithFeeling · 10/05/2022 07:54

If it’s not working then you need to tell him it needs to change and how.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/05/2022 07:55

Did you have a discussion and agree to this before he took these new hours on?

I

Squealier · 10/05/2022 07:59

OP I just did a week alone with one 5 year old and it nearly finished me off. I was ill and I do work FT but still. I wouldn't want to parent alone for weeks on end. You need to talk to your DH. I think the exhaustion and burn out will get too much and resentment will build up.

Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 08:01

There is a lot of resentment already set in, I can’t help it.

We didn’t discuss it. He just kept taking on more and more. Saying we need to money, he can’t let clients down etc.

I would never willing agree to this set up but now I’m stuck in it.

OP posts:
Penguinsaregreat · 10/05/2022 08:09

Your on is being unreasonable.
I have a friend who works away a lot, new job. Not all his colleagues do, the married ones with kids certainly don't. He is single without dependants.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 10/05/2022 08:10

You're not stuck.

You need to talk to him about how it's making you feel and how you don't feel like you even have a husband when he's never around.

PattyMelt · 10/05/2022 08:10

My Dh spent one summer coming home on a Friday night and leaving again on a Sunday evening. It wasn't too bad as we had an end date. Not sure how I'd have liked it if it was ongoing. I was only working part time back then so had the time to get everything done alone seeing to the boys. I couldn't do some stuff so he'd come home to a list jobs and he's be working at the house all weekend fixing stuff.
If it isn't working for your family he is either going to have to change jobs or you won't survive as a family

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 10/05/2022 08:13

If it isn't working for your family he is either going to have to change jobs or you won't survive as a family

and he’ll have to find a way to do 50% of the parenting.

Psychicpineapple · 10/05/2022 08:16

You have my sympathies. My dh will be going away with work for over 3 weeks soon. He'll be abroad.
I feel a lot of resentment at times too. He really downplayed the travel aspect when he took the job. He is a much higher earner than I am and works very hard. It still rankles though when he is away in a nice hotel and I am stuck in an endless loop of work, cooking, washing and ferrying teenagers around.

InChocolateWeTrust · 10/05/2022 08:17

If it's something that has no fixed end date you need to tell him you are not happy with it, very firmly.

How tight are your family finances? Is he correct that you need the money? Is this the only way, or could there be other options (do you have any work options that can be considered that would boost the budget? Can cost savings be made anywhere?)

balboaconstrictor · 10/05/2022 08:19

YANBU. That's a difficult lifestyle that can put a deal of stress on any relationship, particularly when there are young children involved. He's unfair to make the decision for both of you without discussion.

You do have options, though possibly none of them are what you want. Negotiate a compromise you can live with. If he's unwilling to compromise and you're miserable, you could leave him.

Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 08:25

I’ve told him I’ll leave him but he says he will take my boys and I believe he will. He is a very clever man.

Finance wise we do well, we earn the same so could cope with him lowering his wage. Luxuries would have to go but I have said I would prefer this. He doesn’t believe me.

OP posts:
InChocolateWeTrust · 10/05/2022 08:29

I’ve told him I’ll leave him but he says he will take my boys and I believe he will. He is a very clever man.

Seriously? He can be the cleverest man in the world and it makes no bloody difference. He can't take your kids. Any court will look at his working pattern/absence from home and see you are clearly the primary caregiver.

doingitforthegirls · 10/05/2022 08:42

Is work available to him locally?

Alicesweewonders · 10/05/2022 08:49

A friend of mine, her husband worked away a lot. Taking on more work because 'its more money'. Leaving her at home with 4 young kids. Except they didn't need the money, he was just avoiding family life.

Has he ever looked after kids on his own? He's acting the big man saying he'll take them off you ( which he can't) but is he prepared to do the work. Me thinks not...

MangoBiscuit · 10/05/2022 08:50

Skips out of home life without consulting you. Expects you to pick up all the slack without complaint. Threatens you when you try to express how fed up you are. Wow, what a gem he is. Hmm

I wouldn't threaten divorce, I'd do it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2022 08:50

MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 08:25

I’ve told him I’ll leave him but he says he will take my boys and I believe he will. He is a very clever man.

Finance wise we do well, we earn the same so could cope with him lowering his wage. Luxuries would have to go but I have said I would prefer this. He doesn’t believe me.

His “cleverness” is a complete red herring. And if he was clever he would know that no court would give full time residence to a parent who was never at home.

Hes just threatening you and these are empty threats.

It sounds as if he has no respect for you tbh. I think you would be better off out of this marriage.

HollowTalk · 10/05/2022 09:01

How can he take the children when he's working away? Would he say that he was going to just move to that new location?

Northernsoullover · 10/05/2022 09:04

OnceAgainWithFeeling · 10/05/2022 08:13

If it isn't working for your family he is either going to have to change jobs or you won't survive as a family

and he’ll have to find a way to do 50% of the parenting.

You can't force them to do 50 percent unfortunately.

Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 09:04

HollowTalk · 10/05/2022 09:01

How can he take the children when he's working away? Would he say that he was going to just move to that new location?

He will just take them, not going through courts etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 09:05

doingitforthegirls · 10/05/2022 08:42

Is work available to him locally?

Technically he could or he could at least find a job in the city which wouldn’t be half as bad. He would then be home evenings and weekends

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 09:06

Alicesweewonders · 10/05/2022 08:49

A friend of mine, her husband worked away a lot. Taking on more work because 'its more money'. Leaving her at home with 4 young kids. Except they didn't need the money, he was just avoiding family life.

Has he ever looked after kids on his own? He's acting the big man saying he'll take them off you ( which he can't) but is he prepared to do the work. Me thinks not...

You are spot on, even when he’s hear he doesn’t seem to enjoy looking after the boys. Rarely would he look after them alone. A few hours at most and basic things get missed.

OP posts:
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