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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up of being at home alone

49 replies

MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 07:46

My husband is currently working away, he is one week in and has until the middle of June to go. However he will be back a few days and go off again. This is a repeating cycle.

I am left at home looking after 3 young DS, running the house, and working a full on full time job! I’m fed up.

Yes, I know he’s away working but feels unfair share of the workload. For full disclosure I do have a cleaner 2 hours per week.

Im here wondering what the benefit of being married is?! Am I a bitch?

The work is 100% genuine incase anyone is suspicious.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 10/05/2022 09:07

He's done a number on you hasn't he? I am guessing this is just the tip of the iceberg. He can't just "take them". And if you worry he will spirit them away then you really do have much bigger problems and I would suggest contacting WOmen's aid and starting looking into how you run before he can do any of this.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2022 09:08

Can you explain what you mean by "he will just take them"? How? If he isn't here for months on end, how will he remove them from you and where will they go?

Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 09:11

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2022 09:08

Can you explain what you mean by "he will just take them"? How? If he isn't here for months on end, how will he remove them from you and where will they go?

I suppose he could collect them from school? I don’t feel like this is a risk at the moment as he doesn’t truly think I would actually leave him.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2022 09:14

Can you maintain the status quo for a while with him away so often in order to do some research into how you would move forward as a lone parent? Eg benefits, divorce entitlement etc.

Are there risks to the children in terms of him taking them abroad? Is he from the country you all live in? Is there a history of any abuse (physical, mental or financial) that you could reach out for support with?

Cornettoninja · 10/05/2022 09:14

HollowTalk · 10/05/2022 09:01

How can he take the children when he's working away? Would he say that he was going to just move to that new location?

Exactly. Call his bluff, tell him fine and ask how he’s planning on managing childcare arrangements for three children with his current job. Tell him you’ll go for access which is traditionally weekends but week days are his to sort out. If he moves further away the onus is on him to get the dc to you at weekends.

Give him a grace period to organise what he needs to and if he has nothing in place then he forfeits his claim and needs to just push off.

In an ideal world he would see that the current set up is unfair and a burden on you leading to him reconsidering your setup, however, I suspect he won’t and you will have to be prepared to follow through and actually split from him to see any changes. You don’t have to, but you can’t rely on anything from him to help you and need to look at other ways/strategies of making your peace with it.

Merryoldgoat · 10/05/2022 09:16

Why do you think he’ll take them when he doesn’t spend any time with them? It just sounds like threats to control.

As soon as you’ve reached the point you’re at your marriage is over anyway.

CrotchetyQuaver · 10/05/2022 09:18

That's not sustainable in the long run. We found if my DH was away for more than 3 weeks at a time, we all kind of forgot who he was and reintegrating him back into the family unit was very difficult and caused all sorts of resentment. On his side too as he was away living a wonderful child free life whilst the other one had to do it all.

I was resentful too just like you are, it's such a hard slog. we did survive but many don't.

I take my hat off to single parents following that period of my life.

Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 09:18

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2022 09:14

Can you maintain the status quo for a while with him away so often in order to do some research into how you would move forward as a lone parent? Eg benefits, divorce entitlement etc.

Are there risks to the children in terms of him taking them abroad? Is he from the country you all live in? Is there a history of any abuse (physical, mental or financial) that you could reach out for support with?

No, he is absolutely not abusive. I would absolutely have to get my ducks in order before hand though so I am ready roll. However the truth is I really do love him and when it’s good, it’s amazing. But obviously if I want a happier all round life then I need to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 09:19

Merryoldgoat · 10/05/2022 09:16

Why do you think he’ll take them when he doesn’t spend any time with them? It just sounds like threats to control.

As soon as you’ve reached the point you’re at your marriage is over anyway.

Oh yes you are correct he would only take them to get at me as he knows I couldn’t live without my boys.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 10/05/2022 09:20

I would get legal advice in your position, so I know what my rights are, how much money I would have, and the likely arrangements with the children.

He has stitched you up! Literally you are left holding the babies - no I would not stand for it

But you do not need to stand idly by and be stuck in this situation, I would exploring these possibilities:

  1. Full time home help paid for by him
  2. A compromise - he is home at weekends and evenings minimum and gives you a break or he gets a new job or the marriage ends

Call his bluff and tell him he is welcome to take care of the boys 247 by himself, and you will see them at the weekends. I would not be threatened and blackmailed, he is showing you utter contempt. By the way no court in the land is going to give him sole custody given you have been their 247 care giver since they were born!

I am sorry this has happened, he has played a very dirty game and not kept his side of the agreement. Do you trust him? And if so why? He seems very dishonest to me.

Swayingpalmtrees · 10/05/2022 09:22

I think you need to get very tough, he is taking full advantage of you.

Snoken · 10/05/2022 09:41

I don't think you love him at all, and I don't actually think you want him around more either. You just need someone to take some of the burden of single parenting off you. If you have been the main parent for your children for the last 9 months and you have managed it fine, there is no way he will get anymore than 50% of the time with the children if you go to court. Most likely he will get 4-6 nights a month, which would be great for you as you will get some proper time off, if he wants to continue with his job then he will have to pay you for having the boys the majority of the time. He can't just take the children, that would be kidnapping, and I am not sure he sounds capable of that.

diamondpony80 · 10/05/2022 09:43

If he's threatening to take your children then he's definitely not worth staying with. To me that DOES sound abusive. I'd be seriously considering my options right now and it sounds like you're doing everything on your own anyway.

runnerblade95 · 10/05/2022 09:43

I’ve told him I’ll leave him but he says he will take my boys and I believe he will. He is a very clever man.

He sounds charming.

sunshinesupermum · 10/05/2022 09:46

He can't just take them. The courts would make him give them back to you. Please get some legal advice and get ready to leave him.

Izzy24 · 10/05/2022 09:46

MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 08:25

I’ve told him I’ll leave him but he says he will take my boys and I believe he will. He is a very clever man.

Finance wise we do well, we earn the same so could cope with him lowering his wage. Luxuries would have to go but I have said I would prefer this. He doesn’t believe me.

What will he do with them once he’s got them?

Expect them to be self caring when he’s away most of the time?

runnerblade95 · 10/05/2022 09:46

No, he is absolutely not abusive. I would absolutely have to get my ducks in order before hand though so I am ready roll. However the truth is I really do love him and when it’s good, it’s amazing. But obviously if I want a happier all round life then I need to go.

Yes, he is abusive OP. How you can love someone who threatens to take your children away if you leave him, I will never understand.

If my DH ever threatened to take my DD away, he would get the shock of his bloody life.

ChocolateHippo · 10/05/2022 09:52

He won't take them. It's an empty threat. He won't want to do anything to jeopardise hie job, since that's what men like him derive most of their self-worth from.

cushioncovers · 10/05/2022 09:56

So can you actually sit down with him and have a conversation with him explaining how you feel and ask him to change his job?

herbologist · 10/05/2022 10:07

I suspect I know the kind of man he is, and all those people saying just talk to him have no idea. You can't just talk to men like this. They are clever, manipulative, and twist everything so that a valid point raised is somehow turned against you.

OP he won't take the dcs. He couldn't do his job, shirk childcare and live the life he wants if he was responsible for their everyday lives. He says this because he knows you will believe him and he knows he can control you through threats. Speak to a good family lawyer. They will be able to explain your rights and I think you will be reassured.

DeskInUse · 10/05/2022 10:34

He can't just 'take the kids' you can go via the courts to get them back. Hide their passports so he can't take them abroad, also speak to a solicitor to see what you can put in place before you leave.

CaptSkippy · 10/05/2022 11:00

OP, I think you need to dicuss this discretely with a lawyer and make sure you have copies of all important documents, just in case.

MsMarch · 10/05/2022 11:28

You say that he's not abusive and that the rest of the time it's good, but the things you write do not suggest that. The fact that even when he's around he's useless with the children is a huge red flag. The threats to take them away is another huge red flag.

You say that he says he must do this because you need the money - so what do you (as a family) need it for? And why isn't some of this money being used to make your life a bit easier. A cleaner for 2 hours a week is not exactly a Norland nanny in terms of help and support.

I think that sometimes as a family it may well be that you agree that working away makes sense. But it can only work if both parties understand there are sacrifices to making this happen and there's a fair distribution of the pain.

Original poster
MagicMatilda · 10/05/2022 11:53

Good thinking to hide their passports, I will do this for peace of mind.

I have sat him down and we’ve had serious conversations but he says he can’t just not work so we are then at a dead end.

All the boys are in full time school/nursery so I can’t really get anymore help in terms of care for them.

DH believes I have a very nice lifestyle and I absolutely do in many ways so he feels I’m the one being unreasonable. I do feel guilty for moaning but it’s just exhausting.

OP posts:
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