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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I strange or is this normal?

39 replies

PBJTime · 09/05/2022 21:51

Just wanted to know if I was the only one whose like this.

I hate socialising - I hate making plans as I then fear and dread the day/time before it happens worrying about it like it consumes my life. It makes me quite grumpy.

However 9 times out of 10 I actually feel better for it and the grumpiness magically vanishes. Blush

I want to jump back into my own cosy bed afterwards and feel mentally drained but I've had a good laugh and really genuinely enjoyed myself at that moment.
But then I find myself dreading the next meeting with friends I have planned for.
I've always been like this even at school and through university.
How do I get out of this pattern as I do tend to cancel plans as the dread really gets to me but I want to be more social as it makes me happier as a person.

OP posts:
Original poster
PBJTime · 09/05/2022 21:51

Also my username isn't what you think it is! I've just noticed!!

Peanut butter Jelly time is what it means. 😂

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2022 21:55

I can be like this to a point, but not as extreme. I don't think about it constantly or get anxious, it's more of a "Why the fuck did I plan/agree to that? Ugh." In the end I'm always fine. 😁

Cyberworrier · 09/05/2022 22:02

I'm like this. I am slightly less anxious since learning to say no to some invitations and also since starting to cancel things if necessary due to illness or stress rather than forcing myself to never cancel on people.
I also find trying to not think/reflect on meetings too much before hand helps. I know it probably sounds like I hate meeting up with people but I actually like seeing friends etc in person- but it certainly brings up anxiety.

rainbowandglitter · 09/05/2022 22:03

I'm the same op

scrivette · 09/05/2022 22:16

I am the same, I get grumpy and anxious before going and tempted to cancel last minute, but always enjoy it once I am there.

litlealligator · 09/05/2022 22:17

I used to be exactly like this til I went to uni and basically trained myself out of it. I used to give myself a free "pass" to back out of any social event for no reason at any time including when I was actually there, but I had a rule I would only do it once every two weeks. Often I would basically hoard the pass until the end of the two weeks and then often not use it because I had nothing on in the last day or two. Eventually I got loads less stressed about socialising.

There was something psychologically reassuring about allowing myself to back out at any point with zero self judgement/guilt, but just having a rule that I couldn't do it too often. No idea if it will work for you but it really helped me!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 09/05/2022 22:20

Sounds like anxiety or learned behaviour.

Try to think about the positive sides when talking yourself into plans rather than dwelling on why you won't enjoy it.

I sometimes feel off but it wouldn't be every time.

MaryAndHerNet · 09/05/2022 22:22

Social anxiety

Social phobia

Asocial

All worth looking up to see if any of it rings bells op.

lamanzanas · 09/05/2022 22:25

Introvert?

Watermill · 09/05/2022 22:35

Yeah I am a bit like this. I am a flaky friend probably as I do sometimes have to cancel things because I just cannot face going through with it.

I am definitely extrovert but I need lots of down time by myself in order to function healthily.

MaryAndHerNet · 09/05/2022 22:36

Introvert is different.

Introvert is more about needing time alone to recharge and get energised as opposed to extrovert that needs people and company to feel energised.

Merryclaire · 09/05/2022 22:38

I’m the same - 40 and have never grown out of it. I just accept it’s who I am and try to push myself a bit, but probably not as much as I should.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/05/2022 22:38

I am the same but I just push through as I know I'll enjoy it

Joonio · 09/05/2022 22:43

Yes I've been upset all evening because my son wants to take me out for a meal on Saturday. I said no and now I feel I should go.I will worry about this. I have nothing to wear as I've put on weight during covid and am afraid I will get a bad tummy.

freeandfierce · 09/05/2022 22:53

Yes, that's me too OP. I was meant to meet workmates Friday Eve, spent all week worrying then bailed by text. Feel bad about it but I can't cope and don't enjoy these social events. Spend the whole time thinking about being at home. Yet at work I'm 100% comfortable, confident and chatty. Been like it all my life, mid 50's now so can't see me changing.

Moonchild18 · 09/05/2022 22:56

This is normal for me, I have social anxiety.

narcdad · 09/05/2022 23:02

Social anxiety, it's quite common just not talked about much.

I come across very extrovert but in fact I'm quite happy in my own company 99% of the time. Still go out but prefer not to

Lilyann60 · 09/05/2022 23:10

I have learned to be selective about social events. I’m much more confident now to say “no thanks.” To events I’m not 100% up for . I am actually very sociable when I’m out but it does drain my batteries. I then need to recharge by being in my own space for a while. I enjoy being on my own as much as I enjoy being sociable. This self knowledge has taken 50+ years to find !!

Gina97 · 09/05/2022 23:13

I have terrible social anxiety. It's usually not related to the actual socializing but stupid things like what if I can't find the person that I'm meeting or what if I got the place/time wrong. I know it's silly but I've always been that way. I think it's totally normal and the more that I've accepted this about myself the less social anxiety I have. I think it also helps to set parameters for social interactions like knowing when you get to leave and having an exit strategy for if you are not having a good time.

Original poster
PBJTime · 09/05/2022 23:18

I'm definitely an introvert. People don't charge me - I avoid texts and messages most of the time. Recharge time for me is reading and having a day or four of quietness.
But social anxiety alarmingly sounds like me. Im glad I'm not the only one like this thank you it's nice to know I'm not alone!

OP posts:
Pbbananabagel · 09/05/2022 23:19

Yup me too, especially the reading.

chisanunian · 09/05/2022 23:20

You sound a lot like me OP. I don't have social anxiety (although I was shy as a child) and I'm not antisocial, but I know I'm definitely an introvert. The very idea of a big party / social occasion fills me with dread, although when I'm actually there, I do enjoy it. It's such a relief to be able to just go home when I've had enough though. I'm not so keen if someone else is driving, or we are having to stay over at someone's house, because I can't escape leave when I need to.

Pbbananabagel · 09/05/2022 23:21

I also enjoy pb & j in addition to pan & banana, we should be best friends and ignore each other regularly with no fear 🙃

DrEllie · 09/05/2022 23:23

Susan Cain's book on introversion is great, as is Elaine Aron's on HSP which you might be too

Hawkins001 · 09/05/2022 23:25

For me I don't mind making plans to meet friends, although it's more that I prefer to be flexiable on my terms rather than on someone elses, e.g. Depending on how I am during the day, if I prefer to then meet friends, or if not stay in with a nice cuppa, it's a mix really, or I could plan but then have to alter my plans so I prefer to be able to be more flexible.