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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that in this polyamorous set up the children deserve to know who their fathers are

29 replies

CounsellorTroi · 09/05/2022 15:54

Even if the parents don’t care?

They don’t seem to have given much thought to the children In all this.

www.walesonline.co.uk/news/uk-news/polyamorous-family-close-no-idea-23905304?fbclid=IwAR0P8TScPWaSIaKs4Ho3s66PHmYmFADf61VJk2SvLnNIVZqU9j6EFBZzJIQ

OP posts:
pjmasksitsthepjmasks · 09/05/2022 16:10

Seems like a reasonable set up to me tbh. Wish I had two other adults bringing in a wage and helping to look after the kids!

MissusMaisel · 09/05/2022 16:12

They never do give much thought to the children, people like this are all about themselves. That's why they are talking about their sex lives and their kids in the newspaper!

Every child deserves to know who their parents are.

Georgeskitchen · 09/05/2022 16:17

The problems will arise if/when they split up. Whose going to take which kids?

FourTeaFallOut · 09/05/2022 16:19

MissusMaisel · 09/05/2022 16:12

They never do give much thought to the children, people like this are all about themselves. That's why they are talking about their sex lives and their kids in the newspaper!

Every child deserves to know who their parents are.

All of this. In all situations, children deserve to know their genetic parents.

BaaMoon · 09/05/2022 16:23

I hope the kids agreed to having their photo in that article.

I expect it will be obvious when the little kids grow up, they will look like one or the other.

Lockheart · 09/05/2022 16:24

There are more than enough monogamous couples around where the child doesn't know their real/genetic father, and I'm not even counting those born to single mothers where the deadbeat father doesn't want any involvement.

I'm not sure why the focus is on this particular set up unless it's to point and sneer because it's unconventional.

PleasantBirthday · 09/05/2022 16:26

I'm not sure why the focus is on this particular set up unless it's to point and sneer because it's unconventional.

And also because they're going to the papers about it.

BaaMoon · 09/05/2022 16:28

PleasantBirthday · 09/05/2022 16:26

I'm not sure why the focus is on this particular set up unless it's to point and sneer because it's unconventional.

And also because they're going to the papers about it.

Yes if they didn't want the focus to be on them they wouldn't have gone to the paper!

Mumoblue · 09/05/2022 16:29

Well the kids know it’s one of them. It’s not like they’ve got no clue, and they can ask for a DNA test when they’re older if they want one.
Obviously it’s a weird setup they’ve got going on, but it seems to be working for them right now. Lots of kids have more than two parents (because of step parents), so I don’t think that’s inherently damaging.

I couldn’t be doing with it though- takes me long enough to find even ONE person I can put up with. Imagine all the relationship drama and day to day boring couple stuff, but with even more people! Wears me out just to think about it.

Onlyforcake · 09/05/2022 16:37

But it's because they ALL take responsibility for the children. Much better than the all too common man demanding a DNA test because he couldn't find a responsible bone with an xray machine.

Also, much like being bisexuality or gay, having your relationship recognised is not just about the sex. I'm sure their relationship has complexities etc.

But of course on MN it must be just about who is fucking who. 🙄

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/05/2022 16:41

Onlyforcake · 09/05/2022 16:37

But it's because they ALL take responsibility for the children. Much better than the all too common man demanding a DNA test because he couldn't find a responsible bone with an xray machine.

Also, much like being bisexuality or gay, having your relationship recognised is not just about the sex. I'm sure their relationship has complexities etc.

But of course on MN it must be just about who is fucking who. 🙄

But having a child shouldn't be about having your relationship recognised and the birth certificate should be factual about who your birth parents are. Knowing who your blood relatives are matters.

How else do you know who to go to for a kidney or who not to screw!?!

Amoozbooze · 09/05/2022 16:44

The Heartless-Rodgers ☺️

SwimmingIsCool · 09/05/2022 16:45

This set up won't last. Then what will happen when at least one of the 4 wants things to be different or wants to leave? What happens in the future if someone gets a condition which can be passed to the kids? What happens when the kids are teenagers and want to know who their dad is? How will this teens anger and resentment be managed.

Lockheart · 09/05/2022 16:47

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/05/2022 16:41

But having a child shouldn't be about having your relationship recognised and the birth certificate should be factual about who your birth parents are. Knowing who your blood relatives are matters.

How else do you know who to go to for a kidney or who not to screw!?!

Show quote history

The millions of children born as a result of affairs / one night stands manage to muddle through, as do those who are adopted.

I'm sure this one group's children will manage somehow.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 09/05/2022 16:51

Those <Location>Live sites really are scraping the barrel of journalism, aren't they. We've got one in Edinburgh; it's absolute trash and treated as a total joke.

Original poster
CounsellorTroi · 09/05/2022 17:01

There is the possibility that both children have the same father. How would the non-father feel about that I wonder?

OP posts:
slashlover · 09/05/2022 17:03

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/05/2022 16:41

But having a child shouldn't be about having your relationship recognised and the birth certificate should be factual about who your birth parents are. Knowing who your blood relatives are matters.

How else do you know who to go to for a kidney or who not to screw!?!

Show quote history

Wasn't there a thread on here this morning where people were saying it was right not to put a father on the BC in certain situations?

Lockheart · 09/05/2022 17:05

CounsellorTroi · 09/05/2022 17:01

There is the possibility that both children have the same father. How would the non-father feel about that I wonder?

Presumably that would have been discussed by them beforehand.

newnamethanks · 09/05/2022 17:06

Come back in 5 years and tell us how it's going. Poor kids, imagine their schooldays.

Itwasntmeright · 09/05/2022 17:16

It’s one thing keeping a father off the birth certificate if he’s an abusive waster, it’s another thing raising your kids with their father present but denying them the knowledge of who their father is. The former is protecting the DC and the mother from further abuse, the latter is prioritising the parents’ sexual and ideological wants over the DCs’ well-being.

Irishfarmer · 09/05/2022 17:16

CounsellorTroi · 09/05/2022 17:01

There is the possibility that both children have the same father. How would the non-father feel about that I wonder?

I wondered that. Also are both sets of the mens parents involved GPs? Say for example Sean is the bio dad for both boys, but Tylers parents are fantastic to both boys. Tyler has an affair, everyone (rightly) is pissed off. Do the DNA. Stop him and his family any visitation. It's all very complicated.

But if it works for them for now and the kids are happy and loved. I just don't see it lasting then who do the 2 kids go with, well the mums obv. But awkward situation with the fathers. Too complicated for me.

FourTeaFallOut · 09/05/2022 17:21

And this casual throwaway comment that sometimes they do get jealous of one another. I mean, great, I'm sure the kids love to be in a house with a bunch or adults, a guess-who game of who's my Dad and one of them pouting because they are losing the pick-me dance. Yeah, real progressive, go you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/05/2022 17:22

From a health / genetics perspective it would be ideal if the parents did know who was the biological father of each child in case of future medical issues; but otherwise, a child being loved and raised by as many people as possible isn’t a bad thing at all.

And the “only thinking of their own wants / not a suitable environment to raise children / so selfish / children need a mother and a father / just wrong” was what society at large said, just a few short decades ago, in opposition to gay and lesbian couples wanting to adopt or use donors, and women who were single mothers by choice. Turns out we now accept they can be just as excellent as parents as married heterosexual couples. Why can’t polyamorous parents?

Sortilege · 09/05/2022 17:34

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/05/2022 17:22

From a health / genetics perspective it would be ideal if the parents did know who was the biological father of each child in case of future medical issues; but otherwise, a child being loved and raised by as many people as possible isn’t a bad thing at all.

And the “only thinking of their own wants / not a suitable environment to raise children / so selfish / children need a mother and a father / just wrong” was what society at large said, just a few short decades ago, in opposition to gay and lesbian couples wanting to adopt or use donors, and women who were single mothers by choice. Turns out we now accept they can be just as excellent as parents as married heterosexual couples. Why can’t polyamorous parents?

Ideally everyone knows who their biological/genetic parents are also knows who their social parents are. Saying that children need to know their genetic origins isn’t a disparagement on the social relationships. We recognise now that adopted children should have access to their full information, for example, which wasn’t always the case, but has been for ~40 years.

Ahgoonyegirlye · 09/05/2022 17:35

the birth certificate should be factual about who your birth parents are.‘

while I think the whole ‘ we don’t even know who the dad is thing is bullcrap I do disagree with birth certificates being ‘factual’.
if they were actually factual you would need to DNA test the kids and parents given that any bloke could walk into the registry office with a woman and her baby and be put down as the ‘father’.
I know straight couples who have used either an egg or sperm donor and not declared it in anyway. So the north certificates of their child isn’t ‘factual’.