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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's weird my Dad and his girlfriend don't live together

46 replies

failinghard · 09/05/2022 15:12

After being together for about 20 years?

I wish they had setup home together and created a proper home where their children and our families could come together.

Instead he is rattling around in a house that we grew up in, but he's not done anything to do it, is not house proud in anyway, it's not welcoming, and consequently never brings the family together there.

He will be 70 next year and I worry about their future living apart.

OP posts:

Inthesameboatatmo · 09/05/2022 15:15

Have you ever thought that they probably don't want to live together.
So what if he's living in the house you grewup in. I'm guessing you would rather he sold it and gave you some money from the sale. That's how it's sounds op. Absolutely nothing to do with you how a grown man chooses to live his life. Sorry but you need to get over yourself on this one.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/05/2022 15:18

They obviously have their reasons. Better she has her own house than if she’d moved into his and he’s left it to his children making her homeless when she dies.

BlimBosh · 09/05/2022 15:18

I don't intend to ever live with my DP.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/05/2022 15:18

You say your dad isn't house proud.

Perhaps his GF doesn't fancy doing all his cleaning, laundry, DIY etc as well as her own?

If she posted about him on here, she'd probably be advised to keep her own place.

DimplesToadfoot · 09/05/2022 15:22

If you want his house all nice, clean and shiny for you to visit, hire a cleaner.

Besttobe8001 · 09/05/2022 15:23

So you're resentful that your dad's girlfriend won't move in and make his house nice for when you visit?

IncompleteSenten · 09/05/2022 15:24

Maybe she doesn't want to be expected to keep house for him.

Are you thinking she should have moved in to ensure his house is cleaned?

tuliplover · 09/05/2022 15:27

Ugh I wouldn't move in with anyone now. Go from being a lover to a mother, or in your Dads case, a housekeeper. If affordable, living apart is great. You get your own space and private time, and see each other when it suits. Neither is having to tidy up after the other or deal with other domestic crap. She perhaps doesn't want to be your father's carer, and sounds like you don't want that role either!

AllyCatTown · 09/05/2022 15:36

Their life. Their choice. My grandfather had a partner for decades and they lived in separate houses. It’s how they liked it and I think it was better for benefits.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2022 15:37

It sounds like his girlfriend is quite smart.

Andromachehadabadday · 09/05/2022 15:38

What’s the satay of his house got to do with wether she lives there or not?

It really does sound like ‘visiting him would be nicer if she would pick up the slack and do all the house work and upkeep for him’

Flippermeflopits · 09/05/2022 15:39

No, not at all weird. My mum is late 70's. She's been with a lovely man for about 10yrs but has no intention of ever moving In with him. She was single for many years & worked very hard for what she has, her cottage is beautiful. She loves the companionship & the sex but she wants to come home to her quite space. Maybe you should talk to your dad about downsizing to something more manageable or have him come live with you so the family can gather at yours😉

Trafficjamlog · 09/05/2022 15:42

I have no intention of living with my partner, or any partner, ever. I love not having to share my space with anyone apart from my kids and I look forward to having my home all to myself. your dad either doesn't care about his house or needs to downsize or get a housekeeper to look after him. His partner probably doesn't fancy doing all that

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 09/05/2022 15:42

Maybe the fact they’ve been together for 20 years is because they don’t live together?! They’re happy (presumably/hopefully) with their set up so why are you worried exactly? I don’t mean that in an arsey way, but I’m struggling to understand the issue.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 09/05/2022 15:44

Your dad is an adult. If he wanted to provide a comfortable, welcoming environment and invite you round then he would. It’s not his girlfriend’s responsibility to be his housekeeper.

Indoorcamping · 09/05/2022 15:46

Not living together is probably why they've lasted so long. Sounds very sensible to me. If DP and I broke up I wouldn't live with another man.

Vikinga · 09/05/2022 15:48

There is your answer. She doesn't want to be his housekeeper.

I don't live with my boyfriend because I have had enough of living with men. I am not having kids eith him and we each have our kids. I can have my own life and not care about his housekeeping skills (or lack of).

Seasidemumma77 · 09/05/2022 15:54

Happy with living in my home and dp in his home, no plans to change this in the future.

SlipperyLizard · 09/05/2022 15:55

If anything happens to DH/we split up, I will never live with another man again - and the state of your Dad’s house while living alone is exactly the reason why!

It is incredibly sexist of you to assume that if they lived together it would improve - you clearly think she would somehow compensate for your dad’s slovenliness.

savoycabbage · 09/05/2022 15:58

My mum is 78 and has had a boyfriend for years but she has always said she will never live with a man again. She does what she wants when she wants and one of the things she wants is not to have to look after anyone.

10HailMarys · 09/05/2022 16:00

It's none of your business, really, is it?

The important thing is that it works for him and his partner. Your opinions on the state of the house are neither here nor there. Surely if you visit him, you're there to see him, not the house?

Bananalanacake · 09/05/2022 16:08

I am the poster who always says to give a relationship at least 5 years before any talk of moving in, I'm well impressed at 20 years, she clearly has her own reasons.

Lbnc2021 · 09/05/2022 16:10

Absolutely no way would I live with another man. And certainly not so as I can keep the place tidy incase his daughter visits. If you’re that bothered then you clean it.

TeeBee · 09/05/2022 16:13

Nope. What is weird is that you think your opinion should trump their lifestyle choices, especially when it seems you just want them to choose a path to make his home in a better condition. Is it a woman's responsibility to do that for him?

RedWingBoots · 09/05/2022 16:14

I know plenty of older couples who live like this.

They both tend to have their own properties, don't want to marry each other and at least one, if not both, have children they want to leave their property to.

One does take care of the other if they are sick but as they don't live with their partner they aren't forced to be their sole carer, which due to their ages is a good idea.

There is nothing stopping any of your dad's children which includes you bringing the family together - why should it be left to an old man?

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