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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's weird my Dad and his girlfriend don't live together

46 replies

failinghard · 09/05/2022 15:12

After being together for about 20 years?

I wish they had setup home together and created a proper home where their children and our families could come together.

Instead he is rattling around in a house that we grew up in, but he's not done anything to do it, is not house proud in anyway, it's not welcoming, and consequently never brings the family together there.

He will be 70 next year and I worry about their future living apart.

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/05/2022 16:35

My Mum never moved in with my stepfather.
They'd both got used to having their own space when they were alone and were happy like that.
Even after they married they'd still spend around 2 nights at hers, 2 nights at his, and the rest separate.

My step-dad eventually pratically moved in to care for her for the 6 months or so before she died, and if she'd been alive during Covid, then I'm sure they'd have probably moved in together for the lockdowns, but otherwise I'm sure they'd still be living in seperate houses, because thats what worked for them.
My Mum was the happiest I'd ever seen her for the 10 years they were together (until she got ill obviously)

maddy68 · 09/05/2022 16:36

That sounds like a perfect relationship it obviously works for them

Fairyliz · 09/05/2022 16:40

Sounds like my idea of heaven, a partner when required and my own home to retreat to when I want.

Ducksinthebath · 09/05/2022 16:40

If it’s so important to you that he’s in a nice environment where you can spend time, why don’t you smarten it up? No? Didn’t think so. Maybe she feels the same.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/05/2022 16:41

YABU. Mind your business. Sounds like a great set up to me.

GodspeedJune · 09/05/2022 16:46

Why do you worry about their future op? Sounds like it has worked well for them the last 20 years.

Fuzzyhippo · 09/05/2022 16:52

LAT (living apart together) is getting more and more common now days. I was with mine for 6 years with no intention of living together but we were happy that way. But we were younger, mid 20s and mid 30s so not sure if having kids would work out well in this situation as I personally don't know anyone who's done it.

WibblyWobblyJane · 09/05/2022 16:55

I completely understand your feeling! I wish my parents had remarried and didn’t live alone. I worried about then not having partners to share their joys and burdens with as they grew older. No one to take care of them, no one to take care of, either.

I live far away so also miss having a place to gather with the wider family.

But this is what works for them.

I think it’s now up to you and me, as adults, to create the gathering place and the gatherings though. What are your options? Would your Dad let you spruce things up and have family meals there?

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 17:01

but he's not done anything to do it, is not house proud in anyway,

Was he more house proud when your mum was alive? Do you think living with someone else would make him be house proud?

I think it's quite lovely you are not bothered about not inheriting the house.

Iamnotokifyouarenotok · 09/05/2022 17:05

My sister and her partner live apart …I think they have the perfect arrangement TBH !

KettrickenSmiled · 09/05/2022 17:08

So many questions!

Why is choosing not to co-habit weird?

Why do you feel entitled to criticise your dad's life choices?

Why do you imagine he is "rattling" round his house?

Why are you blaming the fact that he still lives in his house for "not bringing the family together there"? If he lived in a different house, he'd presumably occupy it in much the same way he occupies his current one, so how is his house, or he, to blame for the fact that you think his children (& presumably you) don't get together often enough with him?

Are you feeling guilty for not visiting, & are looking for a way to blame your dad for it?

WibblyWobblyJane · 09/05/2022 17:09

Iamnotokifyouarenotok · 09/05/2022 17:05

My sister and her partner live apart …I think they have the perfect arrangement TBH !

I just didn’t want my parents to live alone as they got older. And going through Covid lockdowns alone was pretty horrible. Though it also wasn’t always easy living through them with another person, either!

WibblyWobblyJane · 09/05/2022 17:10

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 17:01

but he's not done anything to do it, is not house proud in anyway,

Was he more house proud when your mum was alive? Do you think living with someone else would make him be house proud?

I think it's quite lovely you are not bothered about not inheriting the house.

I definitely think having a partner inspires many of us take better care of our homes.

Starseeking · 09/05/2022 17:12

I wouldn't want to live on some lazy man's house either.

Original poster

failinghard · 09/05/2022 18:20

We don't have a good relationship. He's not been a great father to me, on every level. He hasn't met my daughter yet and she's 7 months.

My mother divorced him and a couple of years later he met this other lady.

There is no way I would inherit his property, nor would I want to. That would be going to my brother who desperately needs it, him and his wife have 3 kids and in a tiny 2 bed council flat with no garden. Whereas dad is rattling around in a 3 bed by himself with a massive garden. I should think he'll be around for long while yet.

Thanks for yours thoughts, and honesty. I'll give me head a wobble on this. I would never say anything to him, it was just a thought i had at the back of my head. I guess I just craved somewhere to call 'home' but then I have a home now with my own family. I have prob moved about 15 times in the last 20 years so maybe that's the reason.

OP posts:

Athleticpotential · 09/05/2022 18:26

It sounds wonderful. Tbh I can't see any real reason for living together if you're not raising children together.

You're basically saying he should have this woman make a "home" for people who aren't related to her. Why would she want to do that?

KettrickenSmiled · 09/05/2022 18:28

We don't have a good relationship. He's not been a great father to me, on every level. He hasn't met my daughter yet and she's 7 months.

Then ... kindly ... why are you upsetting yourself about whether he shacks up with his bird or not?

You're right to decide that you'll be happier focusing on more immediate family, & making your own home as comfortable & welcoming as it can be. I hope you feel more settled soon.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 09/05/2022 18:28

It sounds very sensible to me.

Maybe neither of them want the commitment of living together, including becoming the others' carer when the time comes.

I often think most relationships would be better if people weren't forced into living in each other's pockets.

HummingQuietly · 09/05/2022 18:35

You know really that your dad's GF doesn't owe it to you to move in and keep house for your dad. Invite them to yours, it's much more of a home to you than your dad's will ever be, even if his GF were to move in. Enjoy what you have. I'd bet real money that your dad improving his house wouldn't make as much difference to your life as you think.

TheFallenMadonna · 09/05/2022 18:41

My dad lives about an hours drive from his womanfriend. They're both in their seventies and have been together for about 5 years. He broke up with his previous womanfriend because she wanted to get married and he didn't.
They come to us for get togethers.

clpsmum · 09/05/2022 18:45

I'm not planning to ever live with my DP ever. We are happy as we are

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