...to make a big change which affects the whole family.

[Prettydrained]

I've been working for the same organisation now for about 20 years, and recently have taken on much more managerial responsibility. A few years ago the general manager went off sick and I was asked to fill in, initially on a temporary basis, but then permanently when it became apparent she wasn't coming back. This was about a year the pandemic, and my appointment was made permanent just after the first lockdown. The pandemic put a huge strain on our organisation, and rebuild and recovery is proving just as difficult.

I am finding management incredibly difficult, especially managing people who were colleagues and friends. Our organisation is facing huge challenges with the cost of living increase and other things, and I just don't think I am up to the task of leading it. I have terrible difficulty sleeping, have started drinking more, I am incredibly stressed and forgetful, and really don't enjoy anything anymore. I feel like a failure and a fraud, and don't feel present for my family anymore (we have 2 DCs, both primary age).

I have the opportunity to take up another job but on a much lower salary. The job is one I would like and is in my skillset, but the salary drop would mean some difficult decisions and we not be anything like as comfortable as we are now. I feel like I would be letting my family down by not providing the quality of life they could have.

I'm pretty much at the end of my rope, and don't know what to do. I feel I'm letting everyone down. I don't know whether to keep going or make a change.

Your health qnd your family must come first maybe you are just not a natural manager, theres no shame in that. Do you get any support from your colleagues or has it all been dumped on you. You are clearly a valued employee if you have been there 20 years and got promoted but I would take the lesser paid job and prioritise my mental well being. What real sacrifices and decisions will you have to make, financially or otherwise. Does your partner work,

It’s scary taking an income drop in uncertain times - BUT if it means that your quality of life, happiness and ability to be present for your family improves (and you can still afford to make ends meet) isn’t that worth more than being able to go on holiday / have a new car / do big days out? Is there anyone at work you can speak to about how you are feeling? You sound very stressed so I also wonder if this is the right time to make big decisions? What does your partner think?

There is an in between! Make a side step not a massive step down. Stop drinking. Cut hours. Move to a different company in a similar role/wages. Don't give up.

Do it!

Your family is more likely to appreciate you, mentally well, and present for them than any material items you provide with the higher salary.

What sort of difficult decisions...not going out for as many meals, or all inclusive holidays or the downgrading the house sort of decision. Apologies if this sounds flippant?

Is there any support for your role? Anything that you feel could help you better manage. It is hard managing people that used to be the same level as you, and your friends; have they accepted this well, or is part of the issue you getting push back from them, and them not quite seeing you as their boss?

Don't stay where you're not happy, but you've been with this company a long time, and they do seem to value you. If you haven't already, cash in on this and speak out for the support you need.

I don’t think either option is good really. You have been in your current job long enough for it to look good on your CV. I’d honestly keep job hunting and use it as a springboard to a position that pays as well (or better) for fewer hours. I wouldn’t take a step down which is what the other job seems to be. It’s ok to need to prioritise your mental health and leave your current job, just don’t take the first low offer that comes along. You’re worth more.

For example, my DH has just left a FT stressful management position at one company for a PT (30hrs/wk) regional position with a charity which is management but no line management of employees (so less stress) for more money than what he was earning before.

DP works p/t, 2 days per week. If I took the lower paying job we would still have a reasonably good income, but the cost of living in our area is very high, so there wouldn't be much spare. I'm worried about not being able to put anything away to help DCs later on, not having anything to cushion us if anything bad happens.

Are you the main wage earner? Or are you and your DP fairly equally matched and what is his career progression outlook?

Ultimately, you have to prioritise your health. If that means this new job and feeling happier and more present for your children then you should take it. Is there career progression in that role in due course?

Why is he so part time? Can he work more?

Why is your DP working part time? If it's for childcare reasons then I wouldn't worry too much about putting money aside for your children's future- when kids are little this is often impossible but if you're both going to be working full time in the near future then your situation will naturally improve.

Personally I would take the lower paid job if it makes you happier- this will have a knock on effect on your kids

2 days a week! Wow he's lucky

Think of the other job this way - would you enjoy it more or would you find yourself twiddling your thumbs looking and waiting for stuff to do? I think, even if it's hard now, the current role might be the one for you. You might find yourself very bored very quickly in the other role.
Is there any way to delegate some of the responsibility that you are carrying singlehandedly? Can you get a deputy manager to assist you in any way? Is there scope to get someone to help you with the admin in the role?

Your employer needs to support you as you originally took on the role as a temporary measure but it sounds to me like you didn't get any training in the management of the area and how to deal with going from being a colleague to someone to being their manager for example. This might help you stay in the current role longer.

Would you make savings in commuting costs? Would you be dropping into a lower tax band? Sometimes a drop in gross isn’t actually much of a drop in your net cash flow.

What cost of living is more expensive where you are, will your partner incresse their hours when the children are older. Your dc will want a happy mummy.

Can you go back to your previous role ?
Can DP
Increase their hours to cushion the financial reduction?

NB OP has not stated gender so
I'm assuming they are male.

If you want to keep the salary try to mentally detach at the door for a few months. It's hard but it might be a good balance, I can take whatever work throws at me as I know come the end of my shift I won't think about it until I start the next one

Interesting that the OP hasn't said if she is a woman, or the sex of the DP and a few people are assuming that the OP is an overworked stressed mother with a 'lucky' PT working male DP.

You need to discuss this with your partner and you need to explore other options: it’s not a binary choice.

So this is the conversation that needs to be had.

You aren't coping with work and need to change jobs. This is a good opportunity but short term it will mean belt tightening. DP therefore needs to look at whether they can increase their hours or look for more work. Obv this means you'll need to do your fair share of kids and house.

True, Barbara, OP and their DP could be any sex.

Not sure it makes a material difference to advice, though - 2 days a week with primary-school aged children is quite part-time, so there’s scope to increase there. If youngest is only reception age you might not want 2x FT working parents for childcare and logistics reasons but 3 days isn’t a big jump from 2 and could really offset the drop in wages and even up the income-generating equality.

Make a change. Your mental and physical health are most important for your family's wellbeing and you risk jeopardizing them.

If you have to tighten your belt that's fine and if you can't financially support your DCs as young people that's fine too - it's the experience of most DCs.

The most valuable thing you can give your DCs is a stable happy home they can build their lives from. You can't control what life throws at you but you can control your job. You tried your best with the management job but it's not for you.

I would definitely talk to your partner but it sounds like you're already burnt out and it seems unlikely that you'll be able to keep going with your current job much longer.

If you end up on long-term sick leave, the family would end off much worse than if you take the other job now.

The other job might mean it's a bit tight for a few years, but in five years' time you might be ready for another challenge, pay rise, promotion etc. or your partner may want to up their hours once the DC are a bit older.

I have a friend who was so badly burned out that one morning she couldn't physically get out of bed. I feel like there is often an attitude that we can keep struggling through these things, but it's not always the case. I was signed off with stress/burnout in 2019 and I've never felt like myself since then. I wish I could go back and make different decisions.

I don't get why you're presenting this as a binary choice, OP? There are plenty of options between remaining in a high stress role and taking a significant drop in income.

First thing I'd be doing is questioning why my partner and co parent is only working 2 days a week, given both ds are at school?

I have made this change and taken the drop in salary. I was in a very stressful position which kept me awake at night, always tired and very long days.
The new job is at a lower level but my quality of life is much improved. The drop in salary has been tough and I'm still adapting but I don't regret my decision.
My decision was made after talking to a work coach and then a full discussion with my family. I was clear on why I wanted the change and the likely impact. My family have fully supported my decision and reap the benefits of my improved work/ home balance.

Part of this discussion needs to be with your partner stepping up and working more though. It shouldn’t all be on you-whichever sex/set up you have. It’s not fair or right for one half of the partnership to shoulder all of the responsibility