...to make a big change which affects the whole family.

[Prettydrained]

I've been working for the same organisation now for about 20 years, and recently have taken on much more managerial responsibility. A few years ago the general manager went off sick and I was asked to fill in, initially on a temporary basis, but then permanently when it became apparent she wasn't coming back. This was about a year the pandemic, and my appointment was made permanent just after the first lockdown. The pandemic put a huge strain on our organisation, and rebuild and recovery is proving just as difficult.

I am finding management incredibly difficult, especially managing people who were colleagues and friends. Our organisation is facing huge challenges with the cost of living increase and other things, and I just don't think I am up to the task of leading it. I have terrible difficulty sleeping, have started drinking more, I am incredibly stressed and forgetful, and really don't enjoy anything anymore. I feel like a failure and a fraud, and don't feel present for my family anymore (we have 2 DCs, both primary age).

I have the opportunity to take up another job but on a much lower salary. The job is one I would like and is in my skillset, but the salary drop would mean some difficult decisions and we not be anything like as comfortable as we are now. I feel like I would be letting my family down by not providing the quality of life they could have.

I'm pretty much at the end of my rope, and don't know what to do. I feel I'm letting everyone down. I don't know whether to keep going or make a change.

I agree with other show have suggested a side step rather than a step down might be the way to go - maybe even with a different organisation. The good thing is that you current role will reflect well on your CV so you might be able to find something else that suits you better and makes you happier elsewhere without having to take a pay cut at all. I would try that first if you can.

I think you need to suck it up and stay where you are. You’re the main breadwinner and with that often goes job dissatisfaction - but you have others relying on you.

A bit off topic but this is a good example of what a PITA it is having to manage people. It only takes one high maintenance one and the manager’s life becomes a misery. May look all glam being “in charge” but it can just be miserable, especially for the more sensitive.

Could your partner step up a bit?

Logical solution looks like partner do more hours and you cut back?

Loving the judgement of the partner’s work pattern on here. Millions of families have one parent working FT and one PT for childcare. Perfectly normal.

Yeah I noticed that too. Probably wouldn’t have been quite so ”obvious” if the genders were reversed 😂😂

@DontBlameMe79 I don't think the OP mentioned gender at all. I'm certainly not assuming anything about the OP and their partner!

Surely the point is, if one partner is working FT in a stressful position and the other only works 2 days a week (with kids at school) it makes far more sense to share earning and caring responsibilities in a more balanced way.

You’re right I assumed re gender. I expect many other posters did too.

On work split, maybe in theory they could share more but in practice most families have a primary provider and with that role comes responsibilities around provision of resources. Not all by any means but I think it’s the most common arrangement. So walking from those responsibilities because you feel a bit stressed sounds like a cop out.

I don't think gender (or sex) is relevant here but if the OP is struggling with workload and the partner (or either sex) is working two days a week its reasonable to ask why they aren't able to step things up a bit. There may be a legitimate reason but that would be the first question I would ask.

If your health is really being impacted by this I wouldn't rule out stepping down to a less demanding position but it wouldn't be my first choice. I'd avoid it unless it really is the only option.

Taking a lower-paid job because its life or death is one thing but taking a lower-paid job because your partner isn't supporting you enough isn't a great solution. It won't look great to take such a significant drop in responsibility. That wouldn't matter so much if you weren't the main wage earner but if you are an established breadwinner you do need to consider this.

How old are you and is there any chance some of the overwhelm / anxiety / sleep / memory issues could be related to menopause??

We don’t know OPs gender remember 😂😂😂😂. Yeah right…

This!

Or, see if you can negotiate the salary in the new role a bit. In a recent job interview, I said something along the lines of “this role sounds incredibly exciting, and I think could be a great fit. At the same time, I understand the salary is approximately $x. I’m in quite a senior position right now where I’m earning $y, and as the primary earner in my family I’m having trouble wrapping my head around such a large pay cut.” They said they understood, and we carried on with the interview… then later that day then came back to me with an offer 40% (!!!) higher. Always worth asking.

*You’re right I assumed re gender. I expect many other posters did too.

On work split, maybe in theory they could share more but in practice most families have a primary provider and with that role comes responsibilities around provision of resources. Not all by any means but I think it’s the most common arrangement. So walking from those responsibilities because you feel a bit stressed sounds like a cop out.*

But it makes sense to discuss and negotiate along the way.... roles aren't set in stone all the way through life! Especially given that most couple probably start off in a fairly equal position anyway, both working FT before having children. Having a child is the point where there's usually the first major re-negotiation: whether both will continue FT, or both do PT, or whatever other permutation. But it doesn't need to stay like that forever! There's a huge difference between one partner working 2 days a week with two toddlers and carrying on in that role when the kids are both at school. No way could I sit at home most days with kids in school and watch my partner struggle in a high stress role; I'd step up and take more earning responsibility. It's nothing to do with gender imo, it's about being a reasonable human being.

100% in your position I would take the new job. Health, well-being, happiness are the top of my list!

Yes, you might not be able to have many luxuries but in return for that you get many benefits!

Thanks all for replies. We have talked about DP getting more hours/another job, but we always thought this would end up creating as many problems as it solves due to more commuting, less time, etc. DP is very supportive.

The bottom line is I think I'm not cut out for this. The job is very visible so I end up being in the press a fair bit, and sometimes a bit of a football for local politics. I don't have the strength or resilience not to take everything home with me and dwell on it. I'm so tired and am making mistakes, finding it difficult to make decisions, etc. Just want it all to stop.

"The bottom line is I think I'm not cut out for this. The job is very visible so I end up being in the press a fair bit, and sometimes a bit of a football for local politics. I don't have the strength or resilience not to take everything home with me and dwell on it. I'm so tired and am making mistakes, finding it difficult to make decisions, etc. Just want it all to stop."
Please tell your employer this.
Tell them they need to find another job/side step or you are out. It already finished off your predecessor.
Feel no shame of taking this other job if necessary it is making you ILL.
(It's not necessarily for life)

My DP took a 50% pay cut (to what MN would probably consider a very low salary) after he was made redundant and could only find a completely different role. I was always worried about money before but not having anything like as much has made me better at worrying less and being grateful for the small things. He doesn’t work in the evenings any more and isn’t as stressed and I’d take that over money any day. As long as you can pay the bills and for essentials, you’ll cope. You can always reevaluate in a couple of years. DH is now retraining in the field he moved into and after he’s done that his earning potential will be higher again, but in something he’ll hopefully enjoy a lot more than his old field.

I’m always a bit suspicious of posts that are excruciating careful to be gender neutral…

@Prettydrained my advice is to try to be more open minded and to think creatively rather than seeing this as a binary choice between continuing as you are in a job which frankly sounds like it's destroying you.

It may mean using more wrap around child care, longer commutes and renegotiating the logistics but that doesn't have to mean more stress. Quite frankly the impact on the whole family of one parent feeling so utterly awful about the job they do day in day out must be really destructive. You need to make some changes.

Your physical. emotional and mental health are far more important to and have far more effect on your family's wellbeing, than money.

Trust me. It's ALWAYS possible for a highly skilled manager and organiser to adjust domestic expectations/ lifetyle/ budget and conduct a happy family life perfectly well on a smaller income. BTDTGTTS. You know you've got that skillset, that's why your greedy employers promoted you.

In the near future, an awful lot of people are going to learn that utterly liberating and lifechanging lesson and be eternally glad it was forced on them.

I think your DP needs to step up workwise so you can change your role. 2 days is very part time with the kids in school. If this isn't possible, I would look at alternative positions for you that aren't such a drop in pay. Losing a lot of the household income will create its own stress, even if you are happier at work.

Could your DP increase his/her hours during the school day to help out more financially?

PPs are right that you're at risk of burnout - and that the alcohol, whilst numbing things a bit, will actually be making things worse, not better. It's a very slippery slope.

I'd try for an in-between option of DP working more and you talking to your employer and finding out if there's a way to reduce responsibility - tell them how you're feeling. They might actually be able to do something to help you rather than have you quit entirely.

If that doesn't work then yes, you should think about leaving, and if you can only find a lower-paid role then that's what's required for your mental health. You can always go for promotion again at another time.

Negotiate for better pay in the new role. I bet you have just assumed there's no flexibility in the offer? There's ALWAYS flexibility in the offer.

NHS?