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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Betrayed by a friend

38 replies

ItsAFriendshipThing · 09/05/2022 08:14

I’ve had a longstanding friend of 10 years. Socially we’ve spent quite a lot of time together and she’s stayed at my house on numerous occasions, always waxing lyrical about what a great time she has when here.

Several years ago I was diagnosed with a serious illness and went through a difficult time for a while.

Anyway, I found out quite by chance yesterday that this friend had taken it upon herself to mention to her mother who is a social worker that she was concerned that my children, had essentially been forced into the role of carers which is absolutely not the case and the mother subsequently put in a report to social services.

I never actually heard from them, so I don’t know what she said, but the person who told me thought I already knew which is why they mentioned it.

Now, if friend had been concerned about my children then she should have mentioned it to me, surely? Meanwhile she has been happily coming round here and enjoying my hospitality for all these years, and now I’m thinking that all the time she’s thought what an awful person I am.

The friendship feels as if it was a lie now.

I’m not one for confrontations, besides which there’s nothing to be gained from it now. SS never ended up on my doorstep, and my children are adults now.

But I just feel so hurt. I’m inclined to just drop all communication with this friend without explanation. As it’s been lockdown we’ve had less contact anyway so it would be easy to do.

But WWYD?

OP posts:
PicaK · 09/05/2022 08:20

The picture you are painting of your friend as being completely 2 faced seems extreme.
What if she was worried about you and looking to her mum to see if there was care and support for you and the kids that social services could give? In a nice caring way. But there wasn't hence you not hearing anything.
You could see how easy it would be to twist that into the version of events you've been told. I wouldn't rush to throw away a friend for caring.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/05/2022 08:27

Could it be the case that your friend actually just asked her mum for advice rather than a report being filled? Also that sounds like her mums action rather than your friend's request. Plenty of people may chat through concerns with their mum especially if they had some professional knowledge. You've heard this from a 3rd party and things can definitely get exaggerated through the grapevine and over time, it'spossible nothing official ever was submitted. If you care about this friendship you could try to have a conversation about this with your friend. They may have had good intentions but found it difficult to talk to you about at the time.

Yanbu to feel how you feel about it though.

Ikeptgoing · 09/05/2022 08:29

I would definitely end this friendship

If your friend was concerned about you and your DCs being young carers, and wondering if you needed support, she should and could have suggested to you.
Her mum as a social worker knows full well that to have help us we child in need (young carers) it needs parental consent. So if her mum made a referral without your knowledge nor consent, it was made under child protection/ concerns ground.
Having a report made without your consent or knowledge is not a good look and will remain on records for your DCs.

Your friend didn't even mention it to you after her mum had reported you.
End this friendship as this is a woman who is happy to take your hospitality but talks very negatively about you behind your back. Negatively enough that her mum reported you to children services.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 09/05/2022 08:31

You are getting a second-hand version of the story, surely? How does this person know what your friend said to her mum? How does this person know that the mum then reported the situation to SS?

I'd ask your friend about it directly, and get her version of what was said and done.

FairyCakeWings · 09/05/2022 08:34

I don’t think your friend betrayed you at all, it sounds like she was genuinely worried that your illness could have too much of a negative effect on your children and she spoke to her Mum about it.

Its a good thing that people look out for children who aren’t theirs.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/05/2022 08:39

I wouldn't dump a good friend without checking the story you've heard with her first.

ElenaSt · 09/05/2022 08:39

The person who told you this is gossiping and may have an ulterior motive. You are blindly believing what they have told you as being true.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 09/05/2022 08:43

I think I'm with everyone above who says this third party sounds like a malicious gossip who got the wrong end of the stick.

grapewines · 09/05/2022 08:47

I'm going against everyone here to say I completely understand where you are coming from, and I wouldn't be contacting her again.

TalkingCat · 09/05/2022 08:53

Wait....don't SS have to let you know of any report?

Is it possible, just possible, that there NEVER WAS a report, and the person who told you this yarn has a grudge against your friend/is trying to make trouble?

If you were not told, then there was no report, and if there was no report, the person who told you this tall tale completely made it up.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 09/05/2022 08:53

Agree with pp, you need to check with your friend what actually happened. I've come accross enough shit stirrers in my life to not believe 2nd hand gossip unless confirmed by the source. This could easily be a misunderstanding or exaggerated.

TalkingCat · 09/05/2022 08:57

It's also possible that the 'informer' who told you this may have misheard/misunderstood your friend talking to her mum casually, off the record, about any help you may have needed and wrongly interpreted it as she was going to do an actual report. Instead it may have just been off the record chat about helping you out.

Either way, I would not bin your friend based on nothing but a gossip's 'word'. My gut feeling says the person who told you this made it all up, or, misunderstood a casual chat. My absolute gut feeling is they made it up and are trying to get your friend in trouble or have vendetta against them and ulterior motives. What if you ceased contact with your friend and find out this other person lied? You wouldn't forgive yourself for ditching a good friend based on a malicious lie.

Ohmybod · 09/05/2022 08:58

When my Dsis was seriously ill her DH was a complete shit to her and their home life was chaotic and toxic. I mentioned a couple of things to my therapist at that time and she very quickly told me that she might have to make a safeguarding report for my Dsis and her kids because of what I told her. I was able to reassure her that my Dsis now had some family support etc. but I did also consider making a report myself. My Dsis would be completely horrified if I relayed this to her now (which I will never do!).

But my concerns for her kids were genuine at a time the whole family was vulnerable. Perhaps your friends perspective at this time was a little different to yours on account of your illness understandably clouding your view, and it was out of care rather than malicious?

UnsuitableHat · 09/05/2022 09:01

I'd try to check out the veracity of the story before rushing to sever friendship.

Ikeptgoing · 09/05/2022 09:01

ElenaSt · 09/05/2022 08:39

The person who told you this is gossiping and may have an ulterior motive. You are blindly believing what they have told you as being true.

True that OP doesn't know if a safeguarding concern report was definitely made but clearly friend was gossiping negatively enough about her behind her back for this 2nd person to know and it's all rather specific.

I would want to know and would ask my friend 'did you talk to your mum and did your mum make a referral to children services about my children?'

As I said, the only grounds that could be done and taken by CsD without parental consent is a safeguarding concern (that might then be reclassified as CIN and OP would have been contacted) .

If it was to offer support as they wanted to help, a social worker friend would have spoken to OP first (unless it was safeguarding) and talked about what kind of help is potentially out there to encourage OP to contact CsD herself or talk to teachers about it.

A report made without parents knowledge is about SG concerns and in those grounds only . Consent is very important and CSD would have needed sufficient welfare concern grounds to have overridden that to accept a third party referral.

Ikeptgoing · 09/05/2022 09:04

TalkingCat · 09/05/2022 08:53

Wait....don't SS have to let you know of any report?

Is it possible, just possible, that there NEVER WAS a report, and the person who told you this yarn has a grudge against your friend/is trying to make trouble?

If you were not told, then there was no report, and if there was no report, the person who told you this tall tale completely made it up.

This is not true in the slightest

CSD don't have to contact the parents at all to say there has been a SG report, unless it progresses to a full s.47 enquiry & even then they may delay telling the parent. They can contact GP and school/ nursery to make initial enquiries. As I explained, this can only be taken and acted upon if the initial referral contains safeguarding concerns.

Lunificent · 09/05/2022 09:05

Get a bit more info from the informer first.

DrStrangesWife · 09/05/2022 09:06

I wouldn't be friends with someone like that - she's clearly a shit stirrer.

KatherineJaneway · 09/05/2022 09:06

I'd find out what actually happened rather than listen to gossip and throw away a 10 year friendship.

Zilla1 · 09/05/2022 09:07

Did the friend offer any help with the children or just discuss with her DM?

totallyoutnumbered · 09/05/2022 09:11

I wouldn't be binning off a good friend unless I'd had a conversation with her first personally

LemonTT · 09/05/2022 09:14

based on the OP, there is a third hand report of a conversation only two people were privy to🤔 Followed by a report about an formal action by SW that can only be described as totally confidential. Nobody apart from the SW and limited people in social services would know. None should be sharing it.

Unless the friend or mother relayed this story I can’t see how it could be taken at face value. If the mother is telling it she is betraying her daughter and professional standards. I would want to know why.

TBH I can’t see how this can be believed unless the friend said she did it. It is highly improbable tale for a third party to know.

notanicepersonapparently · 09/05/2022 09:18

My thoughts on this would be that your friend was looking to see if there was any additional support available for you from SS ie help around the home. She didn't mention it as she didn't want to get your hopes up if there wasn't. Given that you never heard from SS it would seem that there wasn't. I think the 3rd party is got the wrong end of the stick in assuming the report was about child neglect. You need to check with your friend.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 09/05/2022 09:20

Have you ever thought that maybe the other person was lying and your friends mum never contacted SS? I would ask.

BonnesVacances · 09/05/2022 09:21

I can understand why you're hurt and that you feel judged by your friend. But she obviously had your DC's best interests at heart so maybe focus on that, rather than the perceived criticism of how you handled it at the time.

It sounds to me that she was chatting to her mum with some concerns she had about whether your DC were picking up caring duties, who then had an obligation to refer the situation to SS. It may even have just been with a view to see if you could access some more support if you needed it or just to have a third party assess if everything was ok for peace of mind.

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