Betrayed by a friend

[ItsAFriendshipThing]

I’ve had a longstanding friend of 10 years. Socially we’ve spent quite a lot of time together and she’s stayed at my house on numerous occasions, always waxing lyrical about what a great time she has when here.

Several years ago I was diagnosed with a serious illness and went through a difficult time for a while.

Anyway, I found out quite by chance yesterday that this friend had taken it upon herself to mention to her mother who is a social worker that she was concerned that my children, had essentially been forced into the role of carers which is absolutely not the case and the mother subsequently put in a report to social services.

I never actually heard from them, so I don’t know what she said, but the person who told me thought I already knew which is why they mentioned it.

Now, if friend had been concerned about my children then she should have mentioned it to me, surely? Meanwhile she has been happily coming round here and enjoying my hospitality for all these years, and now I’m thinking that all the time she’s thought what an awful person I am.

The friendship feels as if it was a lie now.

I’m not one for confrontations, besides which there’s nothing to be gained from it now. SS never ended up on my doorstep, and my children are adults now.

But I just feel so hurt. I’m inclined to just drop all communication with this friend without explanation. As it’s been lockdown we’ve had less contact anyway so it would be easy to do.

But WWYD?

I think you'll have to say something to your friend or else the not knowing and distrust will sour your friendship in the long run. You also need to confirm the motives of the third party who may have their own reasons for dropping this gossip. It doesn't have to be a full blown guns a-blazing confrontation. Just say you have recently learned about a something that may have occurred years ago, that concerned you both, and you would like to find out if it's true or not.

Invite the friend over for lunch.

Mention your illness
Ask her about that time
tell her about the third party

observe her reaction

IMO the person who told you sounds like a gossipy shit stirrer.

I would ask the friend in a non confrontational way what really happened. She may have had the best of intentions.

I’ve said YABU because just dropping her with no discussion doesn’t seem like a reasonable reaction to me. I know you said you’re uncomfortable with confrontation, but could you write something down? Ask what happened and why and then make an informed decision when you have the details rather than a possibly incorrect story from someone else?

I don't understand why you assumed she thought you were an awful person? If any of this happened at all - and I agree I wouldn't necessarily assume it did - it sounds as if, for a time, she was genuinely worried about how you and your family were coping during your illness. She may well have simply asked her mother for advice with no intention for it to go any further, only to find her mother took it out of her hands. Yes, she could have let you know, but maybe she realised that SS were highly unlikely ever to take it any further so there would be no reason to worry you.

I actually think it's the middle man who is stirring in this situation. Who are they to you?

Who told you this, who do you know they're telling the truth or have correct information about this?. Dumping her without letting her defend herself would be a mistake I think

If it is true though I would be disgusted with her and she would no longer be my friend

You've heard a story second-hand about confidential information that may not be true. It is likely either completely false, or based on concern rather than malicious. You would be massively overreacting to drop your friend without getting her side of the story. That would be completely unfair on her.

I would trust your longterm friend. You could put your mind at rest by ringing Social Services and asking if a referral was made, and what the outcome was. There will be a process to go through to have the information released. This sounds very unlikely to me. Has your other friend got the wrong end of the stick, and thinks a referral was made, when Infact advice was sort from the SW mum? A SW would know what to put in a referral to ensure it reached thresholds for enquiry/intervention. You would of been contacted. She would know that consent was needed too.

You don't need to confront your friend in a horrible way.

You could simply say 'I have heard that you spoke to your mother about my situation when I was ill, and that she put in a SS report. No harm done as the dc were fine, but I always wondered about that story'

And listen carefully, very carefully to what your friend says. If she admits it is true then you have the answer, but it could be entirely different from the story you are being led to believe or even completely inaccurate.

I would not end such a long and happy friendship on the back of second hand hearsay. You have nothing to lose by finding out the truth.

If it is true, you could be honest and tell her you are finding it very difficult to cope with what you see as betrayal and a total lack of support and loyalty.

If it untrue then you have learnt not to trust everything you hear.

You need to ask her gently what happened and work from there.

With the relationship being long term and (seemingly) a good one, I would give friend the benefit of the doubt and ask her about it. Hear her out, explain how you feel and go from there. However if she has done this without telling you I would be tempted to step back as she should have come to you first to express her concerns, or (if shes such a good friend) offered help where she felt the DC were picking up too much.

You could put your mind at rest by ringing Social Services and asking if a referral was made, and what the outcome was. There will be a process to go through to have the information released.

PP don't understand children services at all

Children services will not disclose this information- not even under a SARs- as it is on children's file and of a Safeguarding nature. You have no way to have this confirmed by CSD nor find out details at this point. The only way you'd know is if a social worker had rung and spoken to you at the time but even then they wouldn't disclose exactly what was said, how it was said or by whom.

This is hearsay. There is no evidence that this is true since social services did not come.

at least ask her. Or she will be posting on here wondering why her friend of a number of years ghosted her.