To worry about my poor kids with parents like us?

[OnceMoreWithoutFeeling]

Me and my DP.... Argh. Well.

First the positives. We're both very intelligent (degree educated to PhD/masters level and published - although in Arts subjects so pinch of salt there). We have good steady jobs with room for progression, family income around £80k gross (should be more when DP finds a new job as he's been at top of his increment for years). Both work part time 4 days a week and stagger our hours so kids don't have to spend too long in childcare. Both have complimentary strengths - DP is very driven, hard working, organised. I'm (at my best) very loving, very devoted to the kids, extremely empathetic, emotionally articulate. We are financially solvent and careful, no debt but the mortgage, focussed on using our money for life-enhancing stuff e.g. travel and activities rather than expensive "stuff". So they will want for nothing essential, materially.

But mentally and emotionally we're both a bit of a mess. Both significant family trauma in adulthood which on reflection will have also stemmed from a very difficult childhood - my mum committed suicide not long after my first child was born, his stuff I can't go in to but it's one of the worst things I can think of - didn't involve him directly but destroyed his family. Both inclined to depression and anxiety (although DP would never call it depression and anxiety).

I'm very hormonally volatile since having children which can make me very difficult to live with. I also think I may have ADHD for various reasons. DP is (I think) autistic, he doesn't seem to have "normal" feelings or be able to express them. He feels disappointed by our life together I think, and I feel very very lonely.

We got together when we were both probably quite troubled young people (early twenties) and are now, about 15 years later, very poorly suited - and I feel like he's become a much better person than he was and I've become a lot worse but that's an aside. What used to keep us going was loyalty (we were friends for years before we were a couple) and sexual compatibility - but since having the kids my libido has dropped off a cliff and this has become a bone of contention.

Neither of us are sporty or science-y. Neither of us are very confident or good at networking. I look at other parents and feel like this stuff is so important. We also don't really have any wider family around, so kids don't have that network of grannies/aunties/cousins as part of their daily experience to fill in the gaps we leave.

I feel like we both have such ambition to be better people and good parents. But I'm starting to wonder, can you ever really become better than the tools you have to work with? Can you fake until you make a whole personality, a whole life? We have such gaps that mean our children have so little chance of growing up successful, healthy and happy I feel. My eldest (5) is amazing, but already I see things in her that are "like me" or " like her dad" and I feel like we're infecting her somehow. Dragging her down into our mess when all I want is for her and her sister to be raised up above it.

I so want them to be happier than we are. But how can they be if we can't show them how? I have all these ideas - i'll take them to park run, I'll somehow try and improve our relationship so they can see what a good partnership looks like, we'll all do meditation together, we'll move abroad, I'll break up with their dad so they can see you don't have to accept being unhappy - all sorts of ideas from the mundane to the desperate, but fundamentally I feel paralysed by the notion that wherever I go, there I am, and they will never not have these two slightly miserable, slightly rubbish parents.

What do you mean by hormonally volatile because I just read that as you behave terribly a lot of the time and just blame it on your hormones rather than doing anything about it?

I'm only suggesting this because it has been incredibly helpful for me, so take it or leave it...

If your finances allow, would you and / or your DP consider easing back on the work side of your life? I can relate to much of your post (ongoing issues with depression + anxiety through childhood trauma) and made the choice very early on to SAHP (big taboo on MN I know). In my case it was absolutely the right choice, because it gave me headspace to put all my limited emotional & physical energy into the staying well + counselling + being a parent bit. I don't think anyone necessarily needs to go full SAHP to do that, but maybe freeing up some actual / emotional space in your life will help at this point, even it's just for a few years.

Actually you know what, I think you sound like a great Mum. Firstly: you CARE. Secondly, you’re reflective and think about your children’s emotional development. Your every thought seems to be about them. You’re clearly a very good Mother.

You seem stuck though in an anxiety loop of overthinking and over analyzing. As someone with PND who takes sertraline and has had CBT - I highly recommend both. If you go to your GP and they think you’re borderline for anxiety or depression they may not treat you. If you have work private medical or can afford to seek help privately please do it - it’ll change your life. You may find both you and DH are much happier on mild doses of antidepressants or with therapy. I am.

My hormones also went nuts after baby and breastfeeding- the passage of time, and taking AD’s helps a lot.

If you’re worried about your DCs not having lots of family support don’t be - loads of families are nowadays in the same boat. If you want to try and encourage them to mix more then sign them up to Cubs/Beavers/Gymnastics etc and see if they like doing those things. But there’s also no harm with them being quiet bookworms if that’s their personality.

The difference between your DC and you and your DH is that they haven’t experienced major trauma - you both did. Your DC will probably be fine! Provided you’re warm and kind towards them all will be well.

Have couples therapy with DH, and if you’re both unhappy seek a trial separation- better for your DC to see you living honestly. But do both try CBT and antidepressants first; it could change everything.

You sound very like me! We are at face value a 'perfect little family' I suppose, but we do have our struggles....DH and I definitely both have 'mental and emotional baggage' We think he most certainly has OCD/anxiety and ADHD, I have emotional problems which could also be down to those sort of things and PMDD. We have always had a fiery relationship (albeit with strong foundations of love) as we are both SO stubborn and self righteous! Dd (5 like yours) has seen alot more heated arguments between us than she should have, and we are guilty of being too stressy and shouty towards her at times too.I am aware that isn't ideal, BUT we also give our girls a life full of love, family fun, attention and positive interactions too.

We are all products of our upbringing whether we like it or not...that's not to say with therapy or insight we can't change our ways somewhat, but it does mean we can have certain undesirable patterns of thinking of behaviour automatically ingrained in us, and these can be hard to overcome, especially in times of pressure.

Our children will inherit some of those genetically, or by learnt behaviours (nobody can put on act all the time, especially with those closest to them) but they will also inherit many of the good things too! I see my daughter being anxious about too many things, but I also see her fun loving sense of humour.Both come from us...she is our child after all.

I get what you mean about not wanting them to inherit any of the bad stuff, but trying to aim for perfection in them or in yourself is unfair and unrealistic.Children do need a stable and positive home environment for the most part, but showing them that it is normal to sometimes feel sad/angry/stressed etc is a good thing for them to learn.

Also, fixing things after with explanations, reassurance, warmth, reflection and taking responsibility makes a big difference.

@user1471457751

I do behave terribly sometimes when I'm in the week or so leading up to my period. I become suicidally depressed, sensitive and anxious. Then I get my period and instantly feel ok again. Never used to be like this, came on after first kid mildly and intensely after second. I'm not excusing it at all. I have been able to manage it much better since I realised what was happening and that the despair etc isn't "real" - but it's still hard to be a "good" mum at those times.

You have a lot of insight and you’re clearly reflective.

Have you considered psychotherapy? It could be really helpful.

I think the best thing you can do to be a positive influence in your children's life is to accept yourself for who you are and to remember that things you can do to look after yourself and make yourself happier are likely to make your dc happier too.

Your children are still very young, so they will reap all the benefits of any positive changes you feel you need to make now, including splitting up with your partner if that's what needs to happen. The problems in your relationship will affect your dc more and more as they become more aware.

Sounds like one for the GP. If PMT is affecting your life to that extent, you don't have to live with it. Both the pill and antidepressants can really help (apologies if you have already tried these).