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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you block for this?

59 replies

Bumblefumble1 · 08/05/2022 20:33

38 year old guy - I met him through a work thing last November - we messaged via instagram. 1st date was in January, 2nd date a week later. Anyway we continued to message and meet up a few times during February. No sex. I told him I would not want to have sex with someone who was not my boyfriend. That really was the last time I saw him face to face.

He messaged now and again but everytime we made plans he would cancel them. I think it got to the 2nd or 3rd time of that happening so I just cut my losses, accepted he was being weird (or was married) and blocked him on instagram/messenger. Just left it.

This morning he emailed me out of the blue (he had my email as he sent me a link to something) ‘ I take it your instagram is not working, I did try to message you. X’

I told a friend (guy friend may I add) who said you should never just block people without explanation. Now I feel really bad and I guess I am seeking validation I am not a bitch. I said that he had a few chances and the last time he cancelled on me was when I waiting on him; he cancelled offering no explanation and said ‘I will phone you at some point’.

Anyway. AIBU?

I have moved on from this guy and seeing another couple of people now - the email just came out the blue.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 09/05/2022 07:32

Who made your friend, and his arbitrary rules about how women should treat men, king of the world?

You owe this man nothing. He repeatedly messed you around. Cancelling while you’re waiting, without explanation, is rude as shit.

Keep him blocked.

KangFang · 09/05/2022 07:45

You do not owe him anything.
Clearly, he's just looking for fuck.
Just block and delete.

Ikeptgoing · 09/05/2022 08:23

You're not interested in him. He had his chance and blew it. He's a time waster who has stood you up and wasted your time making dates he then cancelled at last minute. He contacts you when he feels like it and emails you because you blocked him "your instagram is not working" . I would lay money on his having a number of women he contacts like this and feels irritated you haven't stuck around for his scraps.

I wouldn't even bother replying. Nor give him any thought.

Delete the email or just move it to spam. Your email should move it to spam each time after then.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/05/2022 08:33

I think people can be a bit trigger happy with blocking and I agree it’s a bit over-used. For me blocking is a nuclear option not just a way of screening people but each to their own.

But I certainly don’t think you have been rude and you don’t owe him an explanation. He has had many chances and blown them. He doesn’t deserve the courtesy or emotional investment of an explanation.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 09/05/2022 12:52

Whoever else he had on the hook has clearly got free so he's back sniffing around you again. He knows exactly what happened and why he was blocked on Instagram. Telling him no sex without relationship was not what he was after. I would say he decided you actually had some feelings for him and he hurt you which is why you blocked him. That's the problem with blocking, it can look quite emotional. Which is why he is back sniffing around again hoping you've changed your mind on the no strings sex. Id just ignore now, its a low level attempt I doubt he'll bother again.

Billandben444 · 09/05/2022 13:04

If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want an explanation before someone just blocked you? Was he sending offensive texts or sex pictures? Seems childish to have just blocked him tbh when a 'this isn't working for me so ta ta' would have been more mature and then delete him from your contacts.

Ponoka7 · 09/05/2022 13:14

Of course you can block people without giving an explanation. Often giving a man an explanation opens you up to abusive language, name calling etc. Then there's the possibility of being taken in by them again, why your first instincts are right. Standing up for yourself and having boundaries doesn't make you a bitch. He wanted a no strings attached shag, it wasn't on the cards so he's messed you about, but has kept you on the back burner, just in case you get desperate enough.

Labscollie · 09/05/2022 13:16

Trust your instincts. Better to block than be taken for a mug and regret giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Sapphirensteel · 09/05/2022 13:50

You block who you like, and you don’t have to explain, ever.

AchatAVendre · 09/05/2022 14:06

Billandben444 · 09/05/2022 13:04

If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want an explanation before someone just blocked you? Was he sending offensive texts or sex pictures? Seems childish to have just blocked him tbh when a 'this isn't working for me so ta ta' would have been more mature and then delete him from your contacts.

But in this instance, he's behaved badly in repeatedly cancelling dates, so he should know why he is being blocked and doesn't deserve an explanation. If he had behaved well, then yes I agree with you.

All the OP would get if she texted him with an explanation would be him pleading to be given another chance, cue yet another cancelled date, because this guy clearly just wants her to say "forget about the date, just come round to mine tonight".

BookShop · 09/05/2022 14:11

You owe him nothing. Move on.

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 15:10

Honeyroar · 08/05/2022 20:44

I personally agree that it’s more dignified to just say “sorry I’m just not feeling it so am moving on” than to block, unless they’ve done something horrible. Other people will say you don’t owe him anything, which is also true.

Why do women have to be the dignified ones, even to undignified men?

OP, you did right to block him.

Labscollie · 09/05/2022 15:23

Indicatrice · 09/05/2022 15:10

Why do women have to be the dignified ones, even to undignified men?

OP, you did right to block him.

Show quote history

This.

UsernameNotAvailableHmm · 09/05/2022 17:16

The trouble with explaining why you blocked him is that he could possibly draw you in to a long exchange of messages where he denies, or says he is sorry for, his behaviour and will make you feel guilty if you don't give him another chance

BoDerek · 09/05/2022 17:21

Crikey don’t waste energy worrying about this person who was very rude to you. You did fine.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/05/2022 17:25

I told a friend (guy friend may I add) who said you should never just block people without explanation.

Your friend is being a dick. He doesn't get to police a woman's perfectly valid dating decisions.

The guy you were dating became an ex-date when he ghosted you for telling him you were not going to have NSA sex with him.
It was not necessary to inform this ex-date - that you only met a few times - that he was going to be blocked. He didn't inform you he was going to stop meeting you in person, did he? - he just went silent on you.

The only reason you heard from ex-date man again is because his other options have dried up/been shagged & dumped, & he hoped you'd tolerate his ghosting & fall gratefully into his arms. Twat.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/05/2022 17:27

Honeyroar · 08/05/2022 20:44

I personally agree that it’s more dignified to just say “sorry I’m just not feeling it so am moving on” than to block, unless they’ve done something horrible. Other people will say you don’t owe him anything, which is also true.

Being stood up several times & then ghosted isn't "horrible" enough for you @Honeyroar ?

Sheesh.

Nobody needs permission to block a twat.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/05/2022 17:36

Billandben444 · 09/05/2022 13:04

If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want an explanation before someone just blocked you? Was he sending offensive texts or sex pictures? Seems childish to have just blocked him tbh when a 'this isn't working for me so ta ta' would have been more mature and then delete him from your contacts.

If the situation was reversed, which it wouldn't be because I don't stand people up, or dump them for not wanting NSA sex, I wouldn't have needed an explanation. Because it would be fucking obvious why I was blocked - for standing up, timewasting, & ghosting.

The man has the hide of a rhino to chase OP again via email once he'd seen Insta was blocked. (No way did he think OP's Insta 'wasn't working' FFS).
Which kinda highlights how correct OP was in blocking him. Why should she have to fend off unwelcome messages from a flake who just wants a shag?

Dixiechickonhols · 09/05/2022 17:39

Personally I don’t get the blocking thing. After 3rd cancelled date you could have just messaged a long lines of I don’t see this working out goodbye. Then you don’t get messages like this out of blue as everyone knows position and it’s less awkward if you meet again at work events.

BoDerek · 09/05/2022 17:42

Tell your guy friend that it’s not ok to mess people around and that anyone who does can expect to be blocked.
If he would like to share this wisdom with all his guy friends, he might single-handedly upgrade the quality of men out there.

PetersRabbitt · 09/05/2022 17:44

It’s rude to just block, just because you’re a women doing it doesn’t mean it’s ok!

women go mad when this happens to us so it goes both ways.

BoDerek · 09/05/2022 17:47

PetersRabbitt · 09/05/2022 17:44

It’s rude to just block, just because you’re a women doing it doesn’t mean it’s ok!

women go mad when this happens to us so it goes both ways.

Did you miss the bit about being messed about 3 x? 🙄

Smidgy · 09/05/2022 18:03

If you were in an actual relationship with him and then blocked him then your friends would have a point. But this is someone who is nothing to you. You have no relationship with him. If you want to block him rather than deal with his BS then that's for you to decide. You don't need to be "polite" or dignified by explaining anything to him. You owe him nothing.

AchatAVendre · 09/05/2022 18:05

PetersRabbitt · 09/05/2022 17:44

It’s rude to just block, just because you’re a women doing it doesn’t mean it’s ok!

women go mad when this happens to us so it goes both ways.

Absolutely. The OP should immediately message him so he can set up a fourth date to cancel with her.

Who wouldn't feel excited at such a prospect?

KettrickenSmiled · 09/05/2022 18:13

PetersRabbitt · 09/05/2022 17:44

It’s rude to just block, just because you’re a women doing it doesn’t mean it’s ok!

women go mad when this happens to us so it goes both ways.

It's rude to mess people about, stand them up, ghost them ... then come crawling out of the woodwork weeks later, find out you are (rightly) blocked, then have the brass neck to bother the woman you ghosted on a separate medium.

How is it you don't find all that rude ... but reckon OP's warranted & sensible action was "rude", @PetersRabbitt ?

Is it because you hold women to higher standards than men?
Or think women should be grateful for male attention?
Or believe that women acting assertively & decisively need ticking off for it?

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