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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need some outside opinions

30 replies

Katherineleeds · 08/05/2022 19:33

So my partner and I have been together for 5 years. He has kids with his ex. She can be controlling and has in the past done things like just turn up at our house unannounced to drop stuff off for the kids or make demands that we parent in a certain way. By his own acknowledgment she can be a control freak and that is part of the reason they broke up.

We have just got back today from a family holiday. We flew back in during the early hours of this morning and we had about 3 hours sleep. My partners ex was due to pick the kids up around midday but I asked my partner if he could go and drop them off instead as I simply couldn’t face seeing her today. He did this and sent her a message saying he would drop them off instead.

within a few minutes he got a phone call from his ex and the crux of the call was she was on the way to the hospital as her mother had been taken in and she asked if she could collect the kids instead. He said yes (our house is between the ex’s house and the hospital) as to him it made sense for her to swing by and collect the kids instead of him driving out to drop them off when he was tired and she was passing anyway.

We have had a massive fall out about this. He says what else could he do under those circumstances I feel like he has disregarded my feelings and wants and she has made a demand and he has just caved in again.

He Feels that he is stuck in between a rock and a hard place and despite trying to fulfill my wishes he can’t do no right by letting the ex collect the kids.

what is your honest opinion?

OP posts:
Samiamnot · 08/05/2022 19:37

Honest opinion is you seem tired and over reacting unless I'm missing something. Why is her picking them up a problem? Would she be inside the house?

emuloc · 08/05/2022 19:39

Honestly? Why on earth did you need to see her? Your partner can answer the front door, I assume? Let him deal with her, why are you giving him grief for? So unnecessary. The man is tired as well, for goodness sake.

steff13 · 08/05/2022 19:40

Go take a nap, you won't need to see her.

WhoppingBigBackside · 08/05/2022 19:40

If her mother needed taking to the hospital, then it wasn't an unreasonable request, but you are tired from your travelling, so it wasn't good timing.

Let it go this time.

KrisAkabusi · 08/05/2022 19:42

He's right, everything she suggested makes sense. She was passing your house anyway, him dropping them off would be pointless.

floppybit · 08/05/2022 19:44

I'm sorry, but you are being massively unreasonable. She's passing the house anyway and her mother is Ill!

pigsDOfly · 08/05/2022 19:47

It doesn't sound like he's disregarding your feelings at all.

His ex doesn't need to come into the house and you don't have to see her.

He's tired, she's passing your house it makes perfect sense for her to pick them up.

You're being unreasonable.

Clarinet1 · 08/05/2022 19:49

Sorry, I get that you’re tired and that the Ex can be over-demanding but, in this case, does her picking up the kids mean any more than a quick handover on the doorstep? Surely DH can do that and you don’t even need to clap eyes on her. After all, she’ll be wanting to get on to the hospital.

BritInUS1 · 08/05/2022 19:51

I think you are all tired and YABU - from what you've said her collecting them makes perfect sense

You don't need to see her though just stay out of the way

PeskyRooks · 08/05/2022 19:53

I don't think you had any right to try to change the arrangement in the first place. If you couldn't face seeing her just stay upstairs or something.
She's a control freak? Well you're being pretty controlling yourself.

pompomseverywhere · 08/05/2022 19:54

You never needed to see her wether the mother is in hospital or not.

You are making an issue out of nothing on this occasion but it sounds like the back story has made you snap.

TheCanyon · 08/05/2022 19:58

So his ex was on the way to the hospital and your dp didn't offer to keep the kids longer? I

Anyway, you don't need to see the ex whether she collects them or not.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 08/05/2022 19:58

Without trying to be horrible, you're being ridiculous - probably because you're tired.

Andromachehadabadday · 08/05/2022 20:03

YABU. Driving the kids on 3 hours sleep after travelling and general being exhausted isn’t a good idea.

You could have just gone upstairs. But then to expect her to put herself in a more difficult position when her mum had been taken into hospital.

Rather than go upstairs, you want everyone else’s life to be more difficult.

I am assuming that you are just tired and grumpy. If not, she doesn’t sound like the controlling one. Or at least not the only one.

Moomeh · 08/05/2022 20:03

She's not turning up unannounced this time, it's pre arranged? I can't see how the ex is being controlling here.

It shouldn't affect you too much either way whether they are picked up or dropped off...and yet you are trying to force the issue... that is the definition of controlling imo

AngelinaFibres · 08/05/2022 20:06

He has children, he has an ex wife. They will be part of your life forever. This is what you take on when you begin a relationship with a man with baggage. You didn't need to see her, it was nothing to do with you.

Tothepoint99 · 08/05/2022 20:09

Empathise with the initial desire to have them dropped off but he didn't seem to have a choice. Next best thing is you stay upstairs until she's gone.

1AngelicFruitCake · 08/05/2022 20:10

It sounds like you’re trying to cause trouble by making it so complicated!

MistyGreenAndBlue · 08/05/2022 20:11

This relationship isn't right for you.

Andromachehadabadday · 08/05/2022 20:12

Just thinking about this. If dp told me I had to drop the kids off, because he didn’t want my exh on the doorstep, I wouldn’t have even made the call and told Dp to grow up.

This is my home too. I wouldn’t be changing plans because he didn’t want exh near the house. Especially if very tired and not safe to drive. Dp would have to get over himself.

that said if Exh mum was rushed into hospital I would have offered to have the kids tonight.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 08/05/2022 20:14

Unless there is something I am missing here, I think yabu sorry. Maybe you're just tired and overreacting? He didn't disregard your feelings he agreed to what you wanted but it didn't really suit the other circumstances in this situation. It doesn't seem something worth taking a stand against his ex for, it would just make him look unreasonable. You surely don't even have to see her just stay in bed.

PortalooSunset · 08/05/2022 20:56

Rarely get a unanimous vote on here!
You don't actually have to see her if she comes to yours for the dc anyway op, so yep, definitely unreasonable.

ImInStealthMode · 08/05/2022 21:11

Honestly, you're not just being unreasonable you're being ridiculous.

Imagine the other way around, you and your partner are mid-family emergency and she starts trying to change existing arrangements in such a way that makes it inconvenient for you, because she's a bit tired.

You'd be straight on here slagging her off I'm sure Hmm

Notimeforaname · 08/05/2022 21:14

YABU. He mother is in hospital. Stop making it awkward and about you this time.

Just dont stand near a window or door and you wont see her.

Notimeforaname · 08/05/2022 21:14

Her mother *

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