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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL coming to stay

27 replies

Knifer · 08/05/2022 17:45

For three weeks and I am so anxious. I do suffer with anxiety and I do always believe everyone else is better than me.

Mainly posting here for traffic, but AIBU to be so anxious? She's coming from another country and will be stopping off with various relatives here, but we are the longest I think. Admittedly I've only met her a few times due to the distance, but she's lovely and I've never had any cause to dislike her.

BUT. Because DH has a "perfect" (in FIL's eyes at least, it seems) older brother with a perfect wife and perfect house, I feel I'm about to be woefully disappointing and she will feel shocked at the difference between us. I don't have rigid routines for my kids, they aren't decked out in mini Boden, they eat sugar, they watch TV, they grumble about their homework and the teens prefer to live like pigs. We don't have a six bedroom 2mil house with land and a housekeeper like BIL does. We have a four bed, mid renovation, she's going to have to stay in our undecorated bedroom and use our undecorated en-suite and she's going to have to put up with my housekeeping which can best be described as scraping by and overwhelmed.

I can cook, but I'm absolutely bricking it cooking for her in case any of the moulting dog's hair gets into the food. I am worried that she won't think well of me. My DH is absolutely chaotically disorganised due to his ADHD and although she knows this, she's not lived with him since he was a teen and I don't know if she's the kind of person who is going to think I should be picking up all the slack and keeping him firmly on track- but there's so much slack I can barely manage half of it, and keeping him
on track all the time isn't something I can be responsible for. I've tried, it's graft, it's not my job.

Honestly, I'm worrying about everything from whether or not I can cook food she likes to whether or not she will feel like she's in a grubby hostel for the best part of a month.

My friend said that if she's staying with us for almost a month she's likely saving herself at least a grand in hotel and dinner fees, so she shouldn't have any grounds to complain at all and she thinks AIBU to put so much pressure on myself. But I can't bear the thought of her seeing my washpile or all the undecorated walls and lack of skirting boards etc.

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 08/05/2022 17:49

I think I'd spin the positives.
Get a rota going so everyone including dh and the kids cooks. Include her if possible.

Start the housekeeping with everyone having a focus.

Show her that your team pulls together?

Sweetpea1532 · 08/05/2022 18:09

@Knifer
I'm sorry to hear you are having so much anxiety about her visit.
Maybe you can ask her to teach you some of her secret recipes that she made for her family when DH was a child...she may enjoy spending the time with you..and maybe one of your DC might like to learn to cook family recipes also...maybe she likes to garden and the kids can learn about that..or find out what her hobbies are and enjoy those with her...my DDIL told me her nan taught her how to knit and crochet when she was a child.

Just a thought, she may actually have ADHD since its hereditary and won't be bothered by your rambunctious household. You mentioned that FIL thinks their older son is PERFECT...their household may actually be very unwelcoming in all it's perfection..whereas yours has a comfy lived in welcoming feel to it. I'm sure she'd much prefer to have a low key visit with a loving, gracious imperfect family where she can let her hair down...and who knows...she just might love having your doggie around.

HikingforScenery · 08/05/2022 18:13

Can you not really avoid “moulting dog hair in food”? That sounds so unhygienic.

Her main aim surely must be seeing her son and his family and won’t care unless your house is filthy or really untidy.

couchparsnip · 08/05/2022 18:13

You say she's lovely. She'll just be happy to have somewhere to stay. She would have to be an awful person to mind any of the things you are worrying about while getting a free room and board!
Relax and get to know her better. 3 weeks is a long time to have a house guest if you're not relaxed in their company.

HikingforScenery · 08/05/2022 18:13

Ps nobody is perfect. Not even your bil in his 2mil house.

Cherrysoup · 08/05/2022 18:18

Every meal I eat contains dog hair, we have 3 and the sunshine today just showed up all the hair when I threw a blanket back on the sofa.

I think her staying for 3 weeks when you are mid-renovation is bang out of order. Can’t you persuade other family members to have her for longer eg bil in his 6 bed mansion with staff?! If you live in a normal house like me, then having someone to stay for 3 nights is horrendous, 3 weeks would kill me. I hope she’s the type to pitch in.

Kat1953 · 08/05/2022 18:23

Having a housekeeper and mini boden doesn't make someone perfect. Annoying, maybe 😉

Schedule plans each week that she's with you so you can have some space from each other. This might be just you on your own or with the children or with your dh.

If you can afford it (and tbh she ought to treat you at least once a week), arrange a weekly take away or evening eating out.

Make the most of free babysitting for some time away with your partner.

Establish ground rules and boundaries- what are willing for her to help with, which parts of the house are out of bounds etc

And stop worrying.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 08/05/2022 18:26

If she's lovely, it'll be fine. But if you really really can't face it, and you can't have a conversation with her about what you're worried about, then wouldn't it be awful if your renovations caused a leak in the ensuite that flooded the spare room?

OldTinHat · 08/05/2022 18:29

You sound amazing OP. Please can I stay with you and she can stay in my house all by herself!

Adventurine · 08/05/2022 18:31

HikingforScenery · 08/05/2022 18:13

Can you not really avoid “moulting dog hair in food”? That sounds so unhygienic.

Her main aim surely must be seeing her son and his family and won’t care unless your house is filthy or really untidy.

Just the kind of comment someone crippled with anxiety needs. If you've got a long haired dog, this time of year is DREADFUL for dog hair getting everywhere. Our dog is a fluffy, bouncy Alsatian and DH finds dog hairs in his coffee, in his beard, even in his asscrack when he showers. I've randomly had them in my mouth, cleaned loads out of the oven, find them stuck to the toilets, find them in the beds.... The dog doesn't even go upstairs, definitely doesn't use the oven and is never allowed to get in my face.

LakieLady · 08/05/2022 18:31

I'm a bit aghast at the idea of having someone stay for a month! I follow the old Italian saying about fish and house guests.

if she's a decent person, she won't judge you. If she judges you, she's not a decent person, and her opinion isn't worth worrying about.

Original poster

Knifer · 08/05/2022 18:35

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 08/05/2022 18:26

It isn't a spare room, it's our bedroom! We are the ones staying in the spare room/family room. She hasn't asked for this, but she's had a double hip replacement and I can't in good conscience let her lay on a hard sofa bed for three weeks and not have her own space in someone else's house. This whole house is mine, I can go to any room I like for a break. Plus ours has the en-suite which will be infinitely more pleasant than sharing with the teens.

It's not that she's imposing, she's genuinely lovely. It's that I've never had her to stay and I've no idea of her standards or her expectations, all I know is about BILs house as we were treated to a slideshow of photos, the cost, the staff etc when it was bought. By FIL, who was obviously proud, but DH and BIL don't speak to each other.

OP posts:

CraftyYankee · 08/05/2022 18:54

Three weeks is a LONG time if you don't really know each other. Whose idea was it? If DH's, make sure to send lots of messages to both DH and MIL reminding him of all the things that need to be done before she comes and when she is there.

I have ADHD so I get the struggle. But you shouldn't be this anxious about picking up HIS slack with HIS mother.

And I know that anxiety isn't rational but it might be worth looking into some CBT therapy, even before she comes, to get some targeted techniques for calming down. If she's lovely and just wants to see everyone the only one who will be miserable is you from the anxiety. And if she's not lovely and the visit is shit not much worrying is going to do, right? That perspective is something that CBT can help with.

Good luck!

Original poster

Knifer · 08/05/2022 20:01

It was MIL's idea really. She was going to stay for a couple of weeks with perfect brother and then a couple of weeks with us, but now it's three with us and one with him and we aren't sure why. I do think the idea is that she come and help out a bit as one of our kids has been unwell and my family have not helped us, despite being a couple of miles away

OP posts:

ChaosMoon · 08/05/2022 20:15

Knifer · 08/05/2022 20:01

Maybe this should tell you something. However polished BIL's house is, she's choosing to stay with you.

You are definitely being unreasonable, but that is your anxiety talking. Yes, 3 weeks is a lot. Yes, it's a challenge having someone "important" but that you don't know that well to stay. But your reaction sounds disproportionate to that challenge.

If you aren't already getting help with your anxiety, please speak to your GP about CBT and possibly some meds if you're up for that.

If you're already getting treatment for anxiety, talk to your therapist. Or, see your GP about a getting course of CBT, of you're just on medication at the moment.

You deserve to have someone in your corner, helping you get your emotions in proportion to the situation.

Good luck OP. You can do this.

Original poster

Knifer · 08/05/2022 20:59

Thank you, @ChaosMoon

I'm not on any medication and I have asked for CBT from the psychology services through my GP.

OP posts:

YilingMatriarch · 09/05/2022 03:24

Maybe the reason she has cut the time down with BIL is that underneath all the Boden and housekeepers she feels more comfortable with you.

My3bigdogs · 09/05/2022 04:51

She’s coming to see you not judge your house for a “House Beautiful” award. So I wouldn’t worry about the decorating or lack of.

But the dog hair is manageable. As the name suggests we have three large dogs, including two huskies. I vacuum twice a day and the drum fills in a couple of days. I have never had dog hair in our food or cooking utensils. Give the dog a good brushing with a de-shedder and do it regularly. Keep the dog out of the kitchen and it’ll be fine.

Blossomtoes · 09/05/2022 05:24

Knifer · 08/05/2022 20:01

I bet I know why. You sound like an absolutely lovely person. I’d want to stay longer with you because you’re generous, kind and empathetic. I’d put it on the line that the house is mid renovation, it’s all a bit chaotic and not as you’d like it but it’s lovely to see her. Love is what makes a home, not decorated walls.

pinkstripeycat · 09/05/2022 08:52

SexiestDogWalker

You sound so down to earth and very funny.
wish you were my friend 😆

LassoOfTruth · 09/05/2022 09:04

Solidarity from someone who also has a “project” house, ADHD husband and hairy pets. I have toddlers not teens (worse, surely?) so am in awe of you at your obvious success at keeping things together generally! If your MiL is lovely, and I’m sure she is, she’ll be grateful to spend the time with you all and probably desperate to help tidy up after herself etc - let her. She won’t be judging you. And even if she is, so what? It’s your house and you’re all doing your best. A happy home is far more perfect than some kind of magazine photo spread imo. At least I have to believe that looking around my place!

Original poster

Knifer · 10/05/2022 06:53

LassoOfTruth · 09/05/2022 09:04

Gosh, I hope she thinks this way! About to get up and begin seven hours of panic tidying before she gets here.

OP posts:

Sweetpea1532 · 10/05/2022 07:22

@Knifer
Here's an idea I learned from my mum when I was trying desperately to tidy up for visitors..she said to get black bin bags and to put all the extra stuff in them so that the room is cleared up very quickly. Use a different bag for each family member and label...after your guest leaves you can go through the bags or not worked a treat and the whole house was tidy in no time flat!
Oh, and hide the bags in the shed, closet, loft, or even the boot of your auto.

Sweetpea1532 · 10/05/2022 07:26

@Knifer I hope you read my mums tidy up tip before you wear yourself out from 7 hours of panic tidying!

JustSoStory · 10/05/2022 08:00

I'd get your husband and children doing their fair share of cleaning and housekeeping. Do you have enough time to splosh a lick of paint on the walls in her bedroom and bathroom? Chuck a nice painting on the wall and buy a new handtowel?

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