To think single parenting comes with lots of unfair baggage...

[scooterbe1982]

I am a single mother to a 19 month old! I guess everyone's situations is different but just wanted to share my experience. My ex left when baby was 10 months old. The first ten months our baby was born, he changed completely... he drunk heavily, I found him trying to buy drugs a few months after she was born and he was just very unsupportive. It drove a wedge between us, resulted in a very toxic relationship! He ultimately left, whilst I was away visiting my parents. He rented a place an hour away and I was left to pay rent and all bills whilst still on maternity. Since then I have gone back to work full time, have to pay all my own bills and rent etc and nursery fees (£1600 a month)! I get £300 a month from him, which many will say 'be lucky you get that.' He never helps looks after her when she js Ill, I am always the one having to take time off work! We share weekends with her, and he sees her on FaceTime most nights. His parents live abroad and are coming over for a few months in the summer, he has just told me he will be taking her away for seven nights. I know he has the right to see her and I haven't ever stopped this, but I can't feel a little upset that he or his family haven't had the decency to ask if I am OK with this, or to offer to pay for the time she won't be in nursery. I have suggested maybe 4-5 nights instead but I am being made to feel unreasonable. I just find that it's bizarre, how as a mother who pays for most things, deals with all the difficult times alone and gives her a stable home I actually have no rights when it comes to when my ex can take her away! I want to put my foot down on this one, but he constantly makes me feel guilty. Not really sure of the point of this post, and I know some fathers are in similar situations. It just seems very unfair to not be respected enough to ask me if I am ok with her going away for that long and to be told, when he does so little financially or otherwise normally.

If he's a drug user do you want him having unsupervised access?

Apparently when I confronted him, he was buying it (coke) for a friend! Which is a ridiculous excuse. He made me feel mad to even accuse him of such a thing! And now nearly a year on, he conveniently forgets all these horrible times I went through as a new mother. I knew he had recreationally taken it in the past but didn't think he was doing anything when I was pregnant or when my daughter was born! And I genuinely don't think he is doing anything now (but I could be wrong)!

I’m always so shocked when someone is with someone and they end up being a drug taking, alcoholic all of a sudden! Sorry OP, but you knew his true colours and for some crazy reason decided that he would be the perfect father to your child. You’ve made your bed.

Appreciate your reply @DogsAndGin ! He did socially drink before I got pregnant, we both did, but not to the extent of everyday after the baby was born and I knew he had taken drugs in the past but I naively thought he didn't anymore, as it's something I've never done. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I'm sure if we never ever procreated with a people who had drunk or taken recreational drugs in the past, the world would have a lot less humans on it! Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and perhaps there were warning signs I missed but you're right... I probably do deserve the situation I'm in. Thank you x

So he wants to be the Disney Dad does he, what a knob x

wow what an unpleasant post - way to blame the woman!

OP YANBU - it's hard enough being a lone parent when the dad is around - but when they bugger off and make any kind of co-parenting difficult it sucks.

At least he wants to have her, my kids dad has never bothered with them. I’m guessing he has PR?

Being a mum is so hard OP. So, so hard. I'm sorry things haven't worked out how you'd hoped 🌺

The more room you make for him as father, the better it will be in the long run for your child. And you. You will need these breaks. Start as you mean to continue.

I'm always suprised that people respond with criticism to someone who is clearly going through a tough time and offering no actual advice or support and only making them probably feel worse.

Thanks @PolynesianParadise @ghostyslovesheets @Tothemoonandbackx for your supportive posts! I know it's important that my LG has a relationship with her dad, I guess selfishly I'm just annoyed he gives me no respect as a mother! But I think I just need to move forward and be the bigger person...! I know I shouldn't say it out loud it's just so hard, when they don't afford you the same respect back.

but you knew his true colours and for some crazy reason decided that he would be the perfect father to your child. You’ve made your bed

ODFOD. Seriously. Your lack of empathy for or understanding of a broader picture is just staggering. victim blaming at its MN best.

It’s tough OP but I’d let him take her. The chances are she will end up upset and he’ll end up having to return her anyway. Chances of him taking her for an extended period again will be slim.

I wouldn’t be allowing my 1 or 2 year old to be taken away from me for a week. If you don’t want it to happen, say no and let him take you to court.

Is he safe enough to be responsible? If so, perhaps its a break you may need. However, I would be asking his parents or him to pay missed nursery fees. If you don't feel he is safe or responsible enough, feel free to refuse. I agree that 7 days is a lot suddenly. Can you find a way to speak directly with his parents? Are they anymore reasonable?

@howtomoveforwards thank you so much! Your post means a lot. I'm actually more shocked at the grandmother. She is one of these Peggy Mitchell's 'my boys can do no wrong.' But to note even message and ask I just find a little disrespectful (again, I know I am asking for WAY too much but I was always sending her little momentos of my LG when she couldn't see her through covid)! I also know if someone had taken her babies away from her for a week when they were little she wouldn't have let it happen! I was hoping they might pay the £400 of lost nursery fees I'm still going to have to pay whilst she is away, but I doubt they will. Xxx thanks for listening! Such a silly, annoying situation but I appreciate your support

That’s harsh . A lot of men change after the women gets pregnant. I personally wouldn’t let him take her. So he hardly helps the rest of the time then wants to act like the loving dad Infront of his family ? No way. Especially not for 7 nights .

@Crocsandshocks his parents booked the holiday! She has my number and could have text or called? I did think about asking for the £400 in lost nursery fees... the whole family conveniently please poverty. Yet can afford to fly over from Australia for three months and have a week in the Cotswolds! Legally totally allowed... morally I find it so wrong! Xxx

Do he usually have her overnight? I would probably say no to such a long trip. I would just say let’s just stick to our usual schedule.

@Motherchicken as we both work full time we share weekends (one night each) and bank holidays he has her for two nights! She's never met the grandparents.

@Threebutterflies I was going to say 4-5 nights maximum! Apparently I am being selfish and unreasonable and made to feel guilty as grandparents have never 'held their granddaughter.' Xxx

@scooterbe1982 I would say let’s build up to it. 3 nights a week a few times, then upping it a bit more. And definitely not out of the country.

It always amazes me that it's the women who get the blame. Yes, you probably made a bad choice (as you said, hindsight etc) but he's the one who is doing the drinking/drug/general not taking responsibility thing. Think we should park most of the blame there!

As for single parenting, yep! We get all the crap there. But we get all the good bits, too. We're the one our kids want when they're ill or sad. We're the ones who get to see the firsts!

One thing, which is probably just me, and very un-mumsnetty, but I'd think about much you want him in her life. It may be that the current situation works out well now, but look further ahead if you can.

As for the 7 nights away, just as he can stop you doing it, you can stop him. If there's even a chance he will be taking drugs/drinking to a level where he can't be considered responsible, I'd be saying "no" and meaning it. A friend (also a single parent), told her ex that he could take the child on holiday if, and only if, he coughed up for half the childcare he owed her (knowing full well he wouldn't!). She sent him a bill. The holiday didn't happen. Not saying you should do that, but her chutzpah has inspired me ever since!

I wish you luck

Sorry just read it’s in the Cotswold. Tell him you will be keeping to the regular schedule. And as a courtesy you will offer a couple of extra days.

If its in this country tell them you will pick her up after 5 days as you have plans. Can you drive op and do you have the address of the holiday?

Does you ex actually know that you will still have to pay nursery fees when your DD is not there?

I think I would at least want the grandparents to meet your DD with you there before they take her away for a week. And I would want to FT her every night, the same as he does normally.

Is he going to carry on having her at weekends while his parents are over?

İf he doesn't contribute that much time and money, and you really don't want him taking her away, İ would just tell him no and offer the family to see her in your home. You have to remember he has left you in charge of everything so you get to retain the role and be in charge of everything and make whichever decisions you like. Unless he takes you to court but doesn't sound like he would, with his issues. Have you looked to see if you can get help with childcare through universal credit?