To think single parenting comes with lots of unfair baggage...

[scooterbe1982]

I am a single mother to a 19 month old! I guess everyone's situations is different but just wanted to share my experience. My ex left when baby was 10 months old. The first ten months our baby was born, he changed completely... he drunk heavily, I found him trying to buy drugs a few months after she was born and he was just very unsupportive. It drove a wedge between us, resulted in a very toxic relationship! He ultimately left, whilst I was away visiting my parents. He rented a place an hour away and I was left to pay rent and all bills whilst still on maternity. Since then I have gone back to work full time, have to pay all my own bills and rent etc and nursery fees (£1600 a month)! I get £300 a month from him, which many will say 'be lucky you get that.' He never helps looks after her when she js Ill, I am always the one having to take time off work! We share weekends with her, and he sees her on FaceTime most nights. His parents live abroad and are coming over for a few months in the summer, he has just told me he will be taking her away for seven nights. I know he has the right to see her and I haven't ever stopped this, but I can't feel a little upset that he or his family haven't had the decency to ask if I am OK with this, or to offer to pay for the time she won't be in nursery. I have suggested maybe 4-5 nights instead but I am being made to feel unreasonable. I just find that it's bizarre, how as a mother who pays for most things, deals with all the difficult times alone and gives her a stable home I actually have no rights when it comes to when my ex can take her away! I want to put my foot down on this one, but he constantly makes me feel guilty. Not really sure of the point of this post, and I know some fathers are in similar situations. It just seems very unfair to not be respected enough to ask me if I am ok with her going away for that long and to be told, when he does so little financially or otherwise normally.

Do you think she will have a lovely time? If so, I would let her go.

You will be paying £400 in nursery fees whether she is in nursery or in the Cotswolds.

But I think you would be entirely reasonable to make a firm arrangement to make sure that this doesn't happen again. Certainly when she starts school you will need to agree which weeks of the school holidays he will have her and so on, and agree a notice period so you don't book a holiday for the same week.

OP, unfortunately on this site you will encounter a lot of criticism from people who apparently think they are better than you: Middle class SAHMS, childless by choice/highly educated/intelligent, from intergenerational wealth, never experienced abuse,sexual assault, etc.

I don't judge them, but I judge their responses and insight to these sorts of situations will be severely skewed, unless they are particularly compassionate individuals.

OP are you claiming universal credit? In which case you can claim for childcare costs. You get up to 85% back. Even if you aren't entitled to UC due to your salary, you might get the nursery costs back. Worth checking one of the online calculators. As you also pay rent you would have to be earning quite a lot get nothing from UC.

I think a week is too long for such a young child especially if she is only used to one night. But it's difficult if you have different views. I would try building up so she is used to a few nights before then.

@Illhaveadonut I am unfortunately entitled to nothing I am in the fortunate position where I owned a small one bedroom flat, which I rented out when moving in with my partner! The rent j get just covers the mortgage, enough for tax and I make £100 from it! I'm in the process of putting it on the market but because this is seen as an asset I am not entitled to any help! Thanks so much for mentioning though.. the childcare costs are crazy!

What a vile POS. I know so many women who have been shafted by men who change their colours when it's too late.

Enough with blaming women for men being arseholes.

It's very hard raising a child, both emotionally and financially. It's hard if you are a couple but far worse if you are a single parent and have no help or support from friends or family.

im not sure I would say that it was unfair though, it's just how life is!

@Basketet thanks so much for your kind post! Am totally up for differing opinions and was expecting some (hence why I posted) not sure why people feel the need to post certain things with no helpful advice though xxxx

Yes. I agree. I am all for differing opinions, where a working alternative is offered and is realistic. Not when "you asked for it" is the primary response.

Middle class SAHMS, childless by choice/highly educated/intelligent, from intergenerational wealth, never experienced abuse,sexual assault, etc

You know it’s possible to be middle class/highly educated/intelligent/from inter generational wealth and be a single mum, right? And certainly, having experienced abuse or sexual assault is not an essential qualification for single motherhood.

Or perhaps more importantly, being a single parent does not make anyone a second class citizen. There are thousands of highly successful single parents out there. Many of whom, I suspect, keep quiet about this fact because of prevailing attitudes that state we can’t/shouldn’t have anything a family has and that we should know our place at the bottom of the social rubbish heap.

I agree to a certain extent. There are lots of women on this site in similar predicaments & I'm thinking, why are you putting up with this shit & why did you get pregnant with a man that was clearly a loser beforehand. Why not choose a better partner? Harsh, but fair. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Now that's not fair. People with addiction issues aren't losers. I have a beautiful wonderful close friend in my life who treated me amazingly and lit the world on fire for me when we first met and it was months and months before I found out he was on and off with a lifelong drug addiction, and I only found out because he told me. He is still a good person and a good friend despite his addiction issues. There were no signs there at all. Having a tendency towards drink and drug issues doesn't come with a warning sign or a personality type.

The birth of the baby could have sparked some hidden trauma that the partner tried to suppress with drugs. For example, I got postnatal anxiety following my DD's birth and it made me really moody and withdrawn. That doesn't mean someone who knew me before that bad time should have spotted warning signs in me that I would one day become moody and withdrawn.

Someone could easily end up in a relationship with someone they feel really inspired by who is keeping their battles to themselves.

I agree. I keep that aspect of my life hidden, because people tend to treat me as though I have a huge wound due to being a single mum and it sucks the joy out of sharing my experience with others. İt's not a curse or something I'm inflicted by. İf it was, I wouldn't be happier now than I was pre motherhood.

İn fact, I wish I could say to the other mums 'Stop looking at me with pity, you look just as exhausted as me'.

You’re right, it sucks.
Fact is that any court would allow him to take your DD on holiday, so there really isn’t any point on trying to stop it happening. To expect respect from someone who walks away from their child(ren) is frankly, like whistling into the wind.
So, advice - tell him that you will agree for her to go away with him in the Summer, providing she is used to spending prolonged periods of time with him. It is not in HER best interests, to spend no more than one night with him, and then suddenly be thrown into a strange place, with strange people, for a week.
Set up a plan where she starts spending longer with him, on a regular basis. Say two nights on a weekend. A few extra days over Easter, or whenever suits you best.
And then make regular arrangements for holiday periods for her to spend with each of you. If she goes away with him for a week, then she also gets to do the same with you. For me, our child arrangement is meant to be 50/50 in the school holidays - it never works out like that, but it does ensure that I have times when I can take my DD away, and he gets the same opportunity. In the short term, it will benefit her, and in the long term, it will benefit you as well, as you start making a new life for yourself as well.
It DOES get easier in some ways anyway.