How involved are you with your child(ren)'s studying/homework?

[mycatisannoying]

I am mentally preparing myself for a roasting here!
Ok, so I grew up in a very working-class family and was the first to go to uni. Nobody ever had to nag me to do my homework or revise for exams; the drive to do well came from within.
I was probably very typical of the days I grew up in.
My children are probably typical of their time, in that I do a lot for them. However one thing I won't do is get on at them to study or do their homework. They are privileged to get a private education and although I am ALWAYS there to help them - if they need it and come to me for it - I am not going to do it for them. My view is that they have to want to do it for themselves, and they're not always going to have a parent breathing down their throats.

My ex husband (children's father) is exasperated by this, and thinks I should be more proactive. He can be a dick anyway though.

A friend of mine has been there for every step of her son's final exams. Helping him make up a study timetable and doing the revision with him. I'm not like that, but don't know if it's my past colouring my view ('nobody did it for me, and I turned out alright'). I repeat that I am happy to help though.

AIBU?

Oh, my children are at high school. I was much more involved in their primary school homework over the years.

I think some sort of middle ground might be better.
I remember not understanding how to organise my revision.
I got away with it for gcses but was where I fell down in A levels.
What do your kids think?

This might sound flippant and I don't mean to be, but I think it very much depends on the child.

I am totally with you, similar background, similar views about my kids (also private schools). If you need help ask a teacher, go to the after school subject specialist support etc. They all managed to get to Uni without me holding their hands.

Well the question really is do they do their homework on time and put a reasonable amount of effort into it? If yes then go you! If no then you as the parents need to work out what the barriers are to this and work on removing them (that doesn't mean checking each bit of homework though - it might mean getting them to write down what's due and when on a planner and asking them to identify an evening for that piece).

Do they need your intervention?

My DS (13) is also at an independent school. He is generally pretty good about homework/studying. He grumbles before getting started but once underway, he enjoys it and gets it finished.

So my job really is to remind him it needs doing, persuade him to turn Minecraft off, and then supply the snacks afterwards.

Occasionally he will ask me to test his French or German vocabulary, and very rarely (maybe twice a year) he will ask me for an idea for an essay.

My kids are primary so I am too bloody involved at the moment but it's more I give them the list of what to do then expect them to do it then remind them to do it when they get distracted.

In senior school my mum expected me to do homework and I did organise myself and get on with it. My brother didn't. Would leave it to last minute or not do it and get detentions. She would check his homework record and ask if he had done it or stop him meeting mates until it was done.

I think it depends on the child.

So in primary, it was daily reading, spellings and maths homework which needed lots of hands on time.

With secondary, the emphasis shifts so they are self managing, this has meant for us

Year 7, outlining expectations I.e. you need to organise pe kit (i wash it, they remember to bring it home after pe), stationary is up to date (tell me if you need something), bag packed, put in the family calendar when they'll be home late,

I make sure there is time every day for them to do their homework, that they have a snack and drink when they get home and they can decompress from the day (coffee and a chat, or go out in the garden , no screens for about half an hour).

Active interest in school projects, asking how they are planning them, how long should it take, what equipment, if they are stuck what could they do (email teacher, ask a friend)

Year 8 as above, but more focusing on how they can extend their learning what subjects are they taking an interest in and why, supporting with trips to museums and galleries.

Year 9 as above but more emphasis on them sorting equipment I.e. buying ingredients for catering. Support on subject choices aims for gcses, what that means for further education etc.

Year 10 - let you know when I get there! But I plan to just carry on being a supportive back stop, but so far the kids are pretty motivated to do the work themselves.

According to dd, I'm helpful but I'm not helping! I don't know enough on the detail of their homework to be of use, but they get support doing it.

Oh god revision timetables, I think I blanked that out, but yes sitting out and planning how she was going to organise her time revising so she didn't end up a teary mess.

My parents, both academically-high-flyers, uni graduates etc (not that I'm sure it matters) were fairly hands-off with stuff like that UNTIL I asked for help/advice.

I was internally well-motivated to do well, so was pretty much left to it. But if I asked for them to buy me a certain revision book, or text book, or asked mum to write me some maths equations to practice, they were always well on it.

I don't really know who they'd have reacted if I wasn't so well motivated.

The only thing that really matters in this debate is whether or not your approach is working for your kids. Are they achieving their potential without your help? Or do they need more support to succeed?

Very much this.

My 13yo DS is as bright as a button, but very disorganised and easily distracted (he's awaiting autism assessment). We're in NI, so he sat transfer tests to see if he could attend grammar school and he did extremely well. DP and I helped him with all the 'silly mistake' stuff and anything he was struggling with, but not pushing him or giving him extra papers to do. Now it's a different story. He's at grammar school and the workload is pretty intense. He's very capable, but we have to lean on him to get homework done. We sit with him and help him make revision notes. He's in Year 9 (equivalent of Year 8 in England) and, really, what we're hoping is that we establish good habits for him and then we'll be able to step back a bit.

Looking back, I was very similar to him, but my parents didn't help me in any way (not blaming them at all). I could definitely have done with help with organising and motivation. Left to my own devices, I scraped through grammar school and came out with the bare minimum. I genuinely believe I was capable of much more, with the right support.

Pretty proactive in Primary, but then tried not to be too involved in Secondary. I honestly didn't know about what homework DD was doing, or needed to do. If she didn't do it, her fault. Getting in trouble for forgetting or deliberately not doing homework is a good life lesson! She became more organised and more focused.

For GCSE's and ALevels she did read through quite a lot of it with me, not because she needed me necessarily, but because I was actually quite interested. History and Classics was great. I revisited a lot that I had forgotten, and learnt more. I also read all her Eng Lit books, and Classics books so we could discuss them.

As titchy said.

My DDs require(d) much more involvement than I would have liked but with dyspraxia dyslexia to contend with the more additional barriers I could remove the better.

I think the minimum is to show an interest.

What set book are they doing, what do they think of it?
Are they prepped for their Science test on Friday? How did they do on the French vocab test.

Then when it comes to choosing GCSEs, discuss the pros and cons with them, make sure they aren't picking Drama just because their friend is doing it.

We helped our children a lot!
Why wouldn't you want to support them as much as you can? I found the quality of homework is much higher, still the child's work of course, but with hands on help they really feel like we are in this together. Some subjects need no help, but others are harder and need more support. We were gradually phased out by the children themselves, when they became much smarter than us

I am very glad we have been involved, and they have great grades to show for it.
I had no help whatsoever, my parents didn't even turn up for parents evenings!

🙄

I do practically nothing. I do an occasional check : "is Everything alright is there anything I should know about". But there never has been. Never been a problem, no phone calls from school, ds2 just gets on, does it, and then runs off to play x box.

It just depends doesn't it - I stay as hands off as possible but if my teen DC are not doing as well as they could then that needs addressing and I do my best to help. And it could be for so many reasons, laziness, problems at school generally, lack of confidence, not brave enough to work hard when their friends might tease them for it, a problem with an individual teacher, distracted by teen drama, too much time on screens, undiagnosed sen, poor teaching, poor organisational skills, problems concentrating, over-confidence/complacency, fear of failure, lack of experience at revision etc etc etc. Sometimes they need a kick up the arse, sometimes they need to be shown how to do it, sometimes it's much more complicated than that.

I think the key thing is to take an interest, know what's going on, establish good communication so that if/when things do go wrong you find out about it early.

My children are probably typical of their time, in that I do a lot for them. However one thing I won't do is get on at them to study or do their homework.

This reminds me of a few people. They run about after their children when it comes to activities/chores/making their children's lives easier, but when it comes to something such as education they back off. Everything is about an easy life and avoiding the tough, and ultimately the most important, bits of parenting. If that is not what you meant then ignore previous comment, but there are parents who fall into the trap of actually making their children "typical of their time".

First year of exams years I was hands on with "how" to study, how much was realistic and showing him how he could balance study/life. I did this because the low progression school he was at did a very cursory overview of study/revision techniques, resources available, strategy and didn't emphasise the importance enough so someone had to fill in the gaps as most kids don't just pick up this knowledge out of nowhere with no support. After that first year he knew what to do and was more mature to work it out himself.

I am not going to do it for them. My view is that they have to want to do it for themselves

This is fine as far as it goes and it's not really about doing it for them, but if they're not doing it themselves, finding out why.

Ultimately if they don't want to, that's up to them and there's not much you can do apart from make sure they truly understand the choices they are making. But I have had times with mine when with a bit of digging we worked out that they did want to, they either didn't know how or there was something else in the way. I wouldn't just leave them to fail in that kind of situation, when they haven't got the skills or maturity to figure things out for themselves. Kids with bombproof motivation and work ethic are easy, it's the ones with doubts and worries that cause the grey hairs imo.

My eldest is relatively motivated but difficult to get started - when she does she won’t stop

my youngest - kill me now. He’s 8 and behaves like a 2 year old. Great he had an EHCP but it doesn’t bloody help me at home. It’s like literally hell on earth. He will do anything to get out of writing or any work preferring to sit on the floor and create a bloody mess - his bedroom is a tip daily. After an hour on playing me up he is now in his room - before anyone accuses me - he can do this work in less than 10 minutes if he chooses but it winds me up to I need a break - historically he wins as I lose the will to lives and he laughs and goes to play

The problem is, teens don't have the knowledge and benefit of hindsight that we all have. They very much live in the moment, and only think about what they want to do. Okay, for some people that might be homework, but for others it's going out with friends or social media.

They don't know, can't possibly know, what the bigger picture is if they don't try at school. They don't have the knowledge of the world that we have, or the self control to sit and work when their phone is right there to be looked at.

They are not adults. They NEED a guiding hand to help them.

What are you going to do in a few years when they've failed to get anywhere with their careers because they didn't get the grades to get into any form of training? Say 'well it was your choice not to do your homework!'

Teens aren't mentally quipped enough to be given that choice. Be the parent.

I think there's a point when you need to switch to a coaching mode where you're not standing over them telling them what to do, you're helping them come up with goals and plans to do it themselves.