How involved are you with your child(ren)'s studying/homework?

[mycatisannoying]

I am mentally preparing myself for a roasting here!
Ok, so I grew up in a very working-class family and was the first to go to uni. Nobody ever had to nag me to do my homework or revise for exams; the drive to do well came from within.
I was probably very typical of the days I grew up in.
My children are probably typical of their time, in that I do a lot for them. However one thing I won't do is get on at them to study or do their homework. They are privileged to get a private education and although I am ALWAYS there to help them - if they need it and come to me for it - I am not going to do it for them. My view is that they have to want to do it for themselves, and they're not always going to have a parent breathing down their throats.

My ex husband (children's father) is exasperated by this, and thinks I should be more proactive. He can be a dick anyway though.

A friend of mine has been there for every step of her son's final exams. Helping him make up a study timetable and doing the revision with him. I'm not like that, but don't know if it's my past colouring my view ('nobody did it for me, and I turned out alright'). I repeat that I am happy to help though.

AIBU?

I had the same type of childhood as you. Tbh I think it's a waste of time paying for a private education if you're not monitoring or involved in their homework. Some of your DC may be self-starters and self-motivated (as you were) but I imagine their childhoods have been very different from your's so it would be odd if they were your mini-mes. Giving them a different life and then expecting them to respond like you in this specific area seems misguided.

There are private school parents who think the school should do everything. The school doesn't. Part of the reason the schools get good results are because parents are either super involved in giving their DCs good study and homework habits or they're paying for tutors.

Completely.

My 12 year old has SEN and other issues although is in a mainstream school. (Not sure for how long though to be honest). he needs alot of hand on support to sit down, focus, and to try and develop good homework strategies.

My 10 year old can crack on by himself and does.

Both of them like company when they do their homework so i usually sit with them. In between helping DS1 and providing whatever support they might ask for, I pootle about the net doing my own thing. But probably 75% of that time is assisting DS1.

Absolutely this. DS needs some support with structuring his work and things like creating revision timetables (and some checking up that he is sticking to it or he wouldn't bother). This is not doing it for him, but more help and guidance. It also means, for example, that we understand when he has important tests or coursework deadlines coming up and we don't schedule family commitments. We also support by making sure he has all the "tools" to enable him to study well (ranging from a desk, to an appropriate computer, as well as stationary items).

If anything, DD probably needs checking up on to make sure she is not overworking :)

I do agree some level of "letting them fail" is not bad, but there's only so many times you can let your child fail and not help them to work out how not to fail the next time. I also agree you can't make a child study - all you can do is make sure they understand how to, and have the time and space to do so.

Zero intervention from me, except to check before exams if they need to replace any stationery, or need extra paper or revision cards. This has been the case all the way through secondary. In Y7 when they had homework to make a model of a volcano, I helped when they asked.

Depends on the child.
DD could sit the exams with her eyes closed.
DS needs help.

Neither approach is right or wrong.

Also, it is true that children need to learn how to study and learn how to do homework. It is a skill and most of us have learned it. Why not pass that on? It's not knowledge people are born with. Like brushing teeth and washing hands, learning revision and homework techniques is a skill.

"They are privileged to get a private education"

I think this makes a huge difference. They are privileged to get a private education which will be quite different from your avarage Joe. May the reason many parents try and motivate their children more,and support them through their studies, is so their children have a chance at better education.

All education is not equal. All children are as different character wise, as we are fingerprints an will approach there education depending on a combination of influences.

Personally, I don't think you can judge by making sweeping assumptions of what is the parental role from child to child. There are simply, too many contributing factors.

Depends on the child. How is it going? If they’re working well without much involvement from you, that’s ideal. If not, maybe better to be a bit more involved- agreeing what is going to be done when and checking that it is, talking through things they’re finding hard etc. Definitely don’t do it for them!

It also depends on how old they are. I think ideally you’d gradually give them more independence and responsibility so that by sixth form they’re entirely independent and self-motivated. Children need to develop intrinsic motivation to work, which they will never do if an adult is overly involved.

Totally. I went to local state school; worked hard, taught myself from books largely. My parents were uninvolved but covertly expected us all to do our best. Myself and siblings all became doctors.
I’ve repeated this with my offspring & going very well so far ! They need to take responsibility for their lives and learning. Only they know what they like and are therefore good at. Allow offspring to know who they are..both mine succeeding in entirely different things.

GCSE year here and I'm helping (it feels like I'm teaching it from scratch) with one subject which is my specialism, but the others are complete gibberish to me and I'd be much more of a hindrance than a help. DH is helping with two others, but only IF he's asked.

DC has become much more motivated this year with the exams looming, but in earlier years I would ask if homework had been done. Private education here too if that matters.

With DS1 (GCSEs this year), I have been very involved. He has ASD and responds best to structure and firm boundaries-but struggles to formulate these, so we sat down and planned his revision together. On subjects I am competent in, I have actively supported and discussed topics with him (for exanple, Eng Lit-strong topic for me, DS struggles with more nuanced/ hidden meanings in literature, so we set time aside to work through the texts together)

DD (13) and DS2 (12) ask for help when they need it and am happy to help them. DD often comes to me to work through maths, which I am OK at, sometimes I have to look up stuff though, I am a bit rusty!. DS2 mainly needs help with finding resources and project work, like Geography. They are managing well at the moment, so I will just play it by ear. I am happy to offer the same support to them, obviously, but if they can manage well themselves, happy to let them get on with it their own way.

There is no right way. I got no help either as a teen-and like you, I turned out OK wirh decent grades. I remember asking my dad for help with maths once and he said "the answer is ..." and I asked why-he replied "it just is" 🙈

As long as they are coping and can ask for help if needed, I think its OK.

I think it depends on the kids. My dd is more studious and performs better generally in school. Ds is capable but less organised and lazier so i confess that i help him out more when it comes to exam time. I offer to help dd with revision etc but she generally refuses. I probably do too much for ds but they are both in grammar schools and I think it's important for him that he doesn't slip behind and then get this attitude that he just isn't clever enough.

This is so dependent on the child.

DD1 is motivated, organised and hard working. She gets excellent reports from school and has been doing well in class tests. She's been taught study techniques at her very bog standard state school. She reads lots. She also does a sport at a high level which I think has given her skills which help with her academic learning. I only check in with her a couple of times a week to make sure homework is done and if she has any studying needing done. She has masses of screen time!

DD2 is a completely different story. Has to be cajoled into doing homework and does the absolute minimum she can get away with. Won't have exams for a few years thankfully. I suspect I will be devising study timetables, overseeing work and doing a lot more to support her.

I was left to get on with it at home, although my parents wanted me to do well and work hard. I tend towards this. I've seen friends kids who had the privilege of private education and tutors really struggle once they went into higher education and had to do it all for themselves.

It starts out high involvement in primary but by secondary it is more about showing an interest and being available to proof read if asked. On studying, we’d give advice on different revision methods to try and DC chose whatever worked for them. Until they found what worked for them, we were hands on about teaching them how to revise. After that, up to them to schedule time and actually do it. A levels are/were pretty much hands off and only be a safety net if they start to falter. By Uni, fully independent.

I did with their primary school work - mostly to make sure my son did it ;my daughter did it fine). And to help when needed, though they do math differently now and it could get frustrating.
In secondary much less, more a 'don't forget prep'. My son did very badly in his GCSEs, and though I did go over a revision timetable with him and print out endless past papers I did not chain him to the desk or stand over him. I did some quizzing.
I think his school really let him down - he's not academic but is of average intelligence and what was he doing there 8 hours a day? Even without much outside revision he should have done better. But I do have some guilt there, wondering if I should have been stricter, though I also know you can't force someone to do something they don't want to.
My daughter only tells me about her (usually very good) marks. No input needed.

I think it depends on the child, mine are year 9 and year 7, DD year 9 needs no help at all she is very bright and motivated and is likely to get all 9s in her GCSEs. She is good at planning and organising and just gets on with it although knows I will help if she doesn’t understand something and I will test her if she needs this as revision help.

DS is the opposite, doesn’t like homework and would much rather do anything else, but he is slowly developing his independence. He stays at school to do supervised prep in the library until 5.30 a couple of nights a week and I have sat with him and helped him revise and also do more complicated bits of homework or if he is finding something hard but I do encourage him to do as much for himself as possible.

So like others say I think it depends on the child but as parents I feel we have a responsibility to give them the tools to be as self managing as possible.

My mum never got involved in homework with me (bar testing me on spellings), and I never failed to hand something in, or get it done. I was very studious though, loved learning. And that was back in the day that we didn't really get homework until Secondary School anyway.

They are privileged to get a private education and although I am ALWAYS there to help them
I think private vs state is very different - well it can be very different within the state sector.
I would expect you could be much more hands off with private - and with a very good state school.
I'm more involved than expected with my children at secondary partly because I'm trying to fill in gaps deal with missing teaching staff and with apparent low expectations for student body.
I did used to get frustrated at primary when we'd be told one of the children was doing poorly in an area and we ask what support school would put in place -none they're not bad enough yet - and then well what can we do at home - shrug. It did feel all on us to step in finding out what to do as well as making time to get it done. If they'd been children with no issues and sailing in there would have been a lot less need for our involvement.
At secondary it is partly their personalities - DS struggles to organise though according to teachers is doing very well - but seems to like having me sit and work through things with him.

So I'd agree it does also depend on the child - but have stepped back Y12 AS levels with DD1 and expect to do similar with DS - partly as college is much more on the ball with teaching and partly with decent GCSE behind them if As-levels don't suit other doors are open still - and the AS exams being a year in do help there one bad year is more easily overcome.
DH and I are both working class and our parents were very much more hand off though they'd buy equipment and study guides. While it worked for me – wasn’t so good for my siblings especially one who had like me had dyslexia and has struggled through out life with low paid jobs.

My ds (6yo) is at a private school as well and I think the type of school actually requires very involved parents. The school themselves are very involved, so my ds does not know any better. To him, he is very self motivated because he sees the support and encouragement from home and school equally. On a Friday night ds has just got into a habit of getting his work done. I don't need to be on his case. He is already working on a project due in 2 weeks time. I also think it is partly dependent on the type of child.

I never really learnt how to study and because I was fairly intelligent I got away without it for most of school, until my GCSEs and A Levels, and I didn't achieve as well as I should have. Because of my experience, I want my children to learn good study habits early on so they can achieve their potential.
I make my daughter do her homework each day as soon as she comes home from school and has had a snack. Its become habit for her now. She's 11 and this year exams really ramped up, they have them frequently throughout the school year as they finish a unit in a particular subject, and I've started making her study for each exam every day for a few days before the exam, and since I started doing that her grades, and confidence, really improved (especially in maths and science, which she found difficult to begin with). I hope that by instilling good study habits in her now, she will find it easier when she goes to upper school and the exams become longer and more complicated. And hopefully, if she goes to high school and does the matriculation exams, she will do as well as she can rather than not reach her potential like I did.

My eldest needs a lot of input. He’s doing GCSEs and I did his revision timetable, print stuff out and mark it, tutor for french and biology.
he’s not organised and too immature to do it himself. We have no plan B for sixth form if he doesn’t get the required grades.

Depends on the kid and their needs. Some kids I work with at school need minimal input from me, others need a check in every 5-10 min!