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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD staying at her Dad's ex's house

47 replies

Fran100 · 08/05/2022 09:29

I have DD7 with my ex, we split up when she was 2. Since then ex has had a relationship of 4 years, had a DD with that partner, and they have now split up.

DD7 came home from her Dad's last month and said that she had a sleepover at her Dad's exes house, with her half sister. I asked if her Dad was there too and she said no he dropped her off and then picked her up lunch time the next day.

DD7 came back from her Dad's yesterday to say that she had another sleepover at his ex's, again with her Dad not there.

I'm not too sure what to make of this - I understand that DD needs a relationship with her half sister, but surely this should be Dad facilitating this on his time with both DD and her sister, as opposed to it being at his ex's house?

I'm happy to be told I'm if IABU, I just wanted to get other peoples opinions on this!

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 08/05/2022 09:30

Sounds like he is using the ex for childcare to me.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 08/05/2022 09:33

Do you have any contact with the ex? Could you ask her if she is OK with the arrangement? If she is and DD enjoys the sleepover then maybe it's OK every now and then.

But check with the ex, just in case she has been sold a pack of lies.

RedWingBoots · 08/05/2022 09:35

It should be but as he's being a lazy a-hole and dumping your joint child's childcare on her half-sister's mum so the girls can see each other, then he should give you and her each others contact details.

That way you both can ensure the girls can continue to see each other without him.

Btw I'm saying that because my mum was in a similar situation and so were other people I know. Yes it will be weird for you to have a person whether they are a child, teen or young adult coming over to your house who isn't related to you but your child.

Figgygal · 08/05/2022 09:36

Sounds crap to me
When is spending time with her?

pedropony76 · 08/05/2022 09:36

Guess it all depends on what sort of set up everyone’s comfortable with (including you).

My uncle had one daughter in his first relationship then had 4 more in his second relationship. When the second relationship broke down, he would still bring his first daughter to stay at the exes house so she could spend more time with her siblings. She actually preferred it there because the ex had a nicer house, more space and they always did activities. Everyone was happy with the set up in that situation. His first daughter would still get to spend one to one time with him too.

I guess it depends if you feel like the previous comment and think he’s just using the ex for childcare? I don’t think it matters too much as it’s nice for DD to have a close relationship with her half sibling but it’s important that her dad’s actually spending time with her as opposed to just picking her up and dropping her off somewhere…

Walkingalot · 08/05/2022 09:41

How often does he have your DD? I think that is an important consideration. Is he getting quality time with her? Do you know and trust his new ex?

vivainsomnia · 08/05/2022 09:45

I think it's great. My ex did this too and I was very happy with it. They even stayed with her previous ex, so with her step siblings dad. I think it's really nice when everyone gets along.

Unless you are concerned with some form of abuse, what's the harm?

999caffeineplease · 08/05/2022 09:45

To be honest I’d think that he is using her as a babysitter while he has other things to do, which I’d be ok with. It’s just like if DD was to stay over at eg your parents while you went out for the night.

I think it’s a good thing that it’s a familiar face and she can bond with her sister.

That being said, I do think I’d be a little miffed if she only sees her dad for one evening a week and he’s not taking advantage of that time.

BananaBlue · 08/05/2022 10:10

I think you need to speak with ex step mum, it all depends on the relationship dynamics.

Maybe she’s ok with it, but thinking of some SM threads on here, well I’d double check with her.

Do you even know what address your DD is staying? Who else is in the house? Can you be contacted directly in an emergency?

Whats your relationship like with ex and ex-SM?

DogsAndGin · 08/05/2022 10:14

Christ. What a mess.

IamnotSethRogan · 08/05/2022 10:17

Well I don't see how it would be different from your daughter having sleep overs at other people's house during your contact time. The fact that it's with someone who I assume has been a trusted adult in dds life and with her half sister makes it even less of an issue

bobbythevet · 08/05/2022 10:18

I would be ok with this arrangement but not that I hadn't been brought in the loop. You should absolutely have a line of communication with anyone that looks after your DC. Have a conversation with your X.

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2022 10:22

It's no different from her dad sending her to a sleepover with anyone else, really, which he is entitled to do as her parent. She's obviously a trusted adult.

It could be that his contact arrangement with his other child does not line up with the one he has with yours, you could ask if that's the case and offer to switch weeks or whatever it may be so he can have both children at the same time, I guess.

watcherintherye · 08/05/2022 10:25

Your ex’s ex was your dd’s stepmother for 4 years, so hopefully they have a bond. Their dd is her half sister, so if the your ex’s ex is happy about it, or even instigating the sleepovers, I think it can only be a good thing for the children. Do you feel happy with it?

Original poster
Fran100 · 08/05/2022 10:26

To answer a few questions

My relationship with my ex is not good and I'm not able to discuss this with him (or anything else for that matter).

I do have his ex's number and we are fairly amicable, although we don't really communicate now that she is no longer with my ex. I do know where she lives.

He doesn't have a contact schedule for his other DD, sees her as and when he wants to.

He has DD every other weekend and one night midweek.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2022 10:28

If you don't have a relationship where you can speak to him then I would just let it go, it's not that big a deal in the scheme of things.

BaaMoon · 08/05/2022 10:30

Up to dad and his ex really. It could be they have decided to try and help facilitate the relationship between the half siblings in this way. Do you have a parenting agreement? My DH has one and it says they have to let the other one know if the kids will be staying anywhere other than their home address overnight.

Welshmaenad · 08/05/2022 10:33

I actually think this is fine, as long as your DD is happy and feels safe. It's nice that she us spending time with her sister, and no different than if your ex snd step mum were still together and she looked after both girls whilst he went out.

I am assuming you have no safeguarding concerns around step mum?

It also sounds like his contact schedule
with your daughter means he still spends time with her every week even if she goes a sleepover with her sister.

BananaBlue · 08/05/2022 10:34

@aSofaNearYou I’d be worrying that the SM is being put in same position as the OP, basically dad dropping her DD off with no warning/notice and SM cannot say a thing about it.

I’m surprised you’ve automatically assumed SM is ok with this, she might not be.

OP, I assume you are dealing with a bastard here? If so, I’d contact SM

‘Hi SM,

hope you and yours are well.
I’ve just found out that my DD has stayed with you last few contacts and wanted to thank you for having her and check you are ok with that.

best wishes

OP’

BaaMoon · 08/05/2022 10:36

BananaBlue · 08/05/2022 10:34

@aSofaNearYou I’d be worrying that the SM is being put in same position as the OP, basically dad dropping her DD off with no warning/notice and SM cannot say a thing about it.

I’m surprised you’ve automatically assumed SM is ok with this, she might not be.

OP, I assume you are dealing with a bastard here? If so, I’d contact SM

‘Hi SM,

hope you and yours are well.
I’ve just found out that my DD has stayed with you last few contacts and wanted to thank you for having her and check you are ok with that.

best wishes

OP’

Thing is if she's not OK with that then there is nothing OP can do about it. Feel free to send the message thanking her but no point asking if thats OK as its between the ex and the ex.

BaaMoon · 08/05/2022 10:37

I don't know why people are assuming the Ex can't say no if she's not happy with it

Mellowyellow222 · 08/05/2022 10:44

I assume you are happy that your daughter is safe and well cared for at this lady’s house?

yes it’s a bit lazy of her dad and hopefully your daughter is welcome there - but this might be nicer for your daughter than being with her dad? I assume she knows this lady well - and would miss her if she didn’t see her?

step families and blended families are really complex. It would be lovely if your daughter grew up knowing her half siblings mum really well and them feeling like an extended family.

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2022 10:45

BananaBlue · 08/05/2022 10:34

@aSofaNearYou I’d be worrying that the SM is being put in same position as the OP, basically dad dropping her DD off with no warning/notice and SM cannot say a thing about it.

I’m surprised you’ve automatically assumed SM is ok with this, she might not be.

OP, I assume you are dealing with a bastard here? If so, I’d contact SM

‘Hi SM,

hope you and yours are well.
I’ve just found out that my DD has stayed with you last few contacts and wanted to thank you for having her and check you are ok with that.

best wishes

OP’

I'd be wondering the same and if it were the SM posting I'd be saying the same to her. But there's nothing OP can do about it if this is the case, SM would need to stand up for herself.

BananaBlue · 08/05/2022 10:51

@BaaMoon I can think of many situations where SM might not be able to say no, eg ex says keep DD or I won’t pay the mortgage this month.
maybe he is a decent man, maybe he isn’t, that’s why I’m asking re dynamics.

As OP, if the situation is toxic, I’d be worried that my DD was being used as a weapon in post-split chaos.

SM has no PR, OP cannot discuss any of this with dad, they’ve just split, I’d want to know where my child is and that any carer is happy to have her.

Don’t get me wrong, if SM is ok I wouldn’t have an issue at all.

BananaBlue · 08/05/2022 10:58

aSofaNearYou · 08/05/2022 10:45

I'd be wondering the same and if it were the SM posting I'd be saying the same to her. But there's nothing OP can do about it if this is the case, SM would need to stand up for herself.

Show quote history

So if it turns out that ex is bullying SM into having the child, SM doesn’t want child and is disengaged from her overnight the OP should just let her 7 year old DD wait until SM finds her backbone?

Surely this is about checking? Standard safeguarding that is mums responsibility because she cannot ask dad as presumably he isn’t very nice?

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