DD staying at her Dad's ex's house

[Fran100]

I have DD7 with my ex, we split up when she was 2. Since then ex has had a relationship of 4 years, had a DD with that partner, and they have now split up.

DD7 came home from her Dad's last month and said that she had a sleepover at her Dad's exes house, with her half sister. I asked if her Dad was there too and she said no he dropped her off and then picked her up lunch time the next day.

DD7 came back from her Dad's yesterday to say that she had another sleepover at his ex's, again with her Dad not there.

I'm not too sure what to make of this - I understand that DD needs a relationship with her half sister, but surely this should be Dad facilitating this on his time with both DD and her sister, as opposed to it being at his ex's house?

I'm happy to be told I'm if IABU, I just wanted to get other peoples opinions on this!

It's no different from her dad sending her to a sleepover with anyone else, really, which he is entitled to do as her parent
I sort of agree with this.

I’m assuming you don’t facilitate every sleepover your DD has at your house. But then your ex doesn’t see her a lot and it seems excessive to be sending her away several weekends in a row.

I think it’s a hard one as you can’t really control what he does in his contact time, but if your daughter is happy with it, that’s all that matters surely? Your ex is the one missing out.

Fair enough good point. I don't see what OP can do about it other than say if you're not happy to have DD then let me know and I'll come and get her.

OP is allowed to arrange sleepovers in her time presumably so I don't see why dad can't.

@BaaMoon if OP arranged a sleepover (is dad arranging or dumping?) and dad had an objection or concern should he not be allowed to voice that? To at least ask OP if person is happy to have his DD?

OP is being denied that opportunity IMO. I’m not saying OP has to be asked for sleepover each time but if OP and ex are not on good terms why would it be assumed that ex and his most recent are?

I'm not too sure what the situation is for them post split. DD said recently that they popped round to the ex's house, DD stayed in the car and she could hear shouting from inside. But then she has also said that she has seen her Dad's ex briefly and her and her Dad were fine.

I'd contact the ex and speak to her.

I know a lot of people have jumped immediately to 'He's an arsehole, dumping the kids on his ex' (and this might be the case), but in reality it might be that his younger child doesn't feel ready to leave her mum and stay with him yet, but misses her sister.

I think it's great. Consistent relationship with ex and her half sis. What's not to like? Also as long as no welfare concerns you can't stop dad organising sleepovers - it's his time whether he is present or not. I think YABU

Very true @worraliberty , I didn’t mean to jump on ‘he’s a bastard’, SM herself maybe asking for sleepovers.

What I do know is that I’d want to ensure all parties are happy for the sake of my 7 year old child.

Everyone always jumps on the 'it's up to him to arrange childcare' line if an ex asks an OP to keep the kids on his time, but he's arranged his own childcare and that's a problem too?

It's no different to her going to a friends for a sleepover.

Presumably your DD has a good relationship with both her sister and her sister’s mum (who would have fulfilled a stepmother role for as long as your DD remembers). As long as the three of them are happy with this arrangement, I would be fine with it continuing.

She sounds better off with her half sister and ex stepmother than her loser father.

I would talk to his ex

If my mum and step dad had separated when I was a child I would have been devastated if I hadn't been able to see him with my siblings.

I think it could be a very positive thing for your child provided that the lines of communication are open.
If your ex won't communicate then you need to speak to his ex and make sure she is happy with the situation and if not how it can be resolved.

Not a lot you can do. You can't dictate what he does on his time unless there are safety concerns. In the same way he can't stop you getting a babysitter if you wanted to go out.

I would send her a quick text though just to make sure she knows she can ring you if there are any issues while DD is there

If OP arranged for DD to have a sleepover during her "time" and dad tried to object, everyone would be telling him to mind his own business and that OP was well within her rights to arrange whatever childcare she wanted.

You can't dictate what the other parent does on their time unless you think there's danger involved, in which case you need to go via the legal route.

So he has her 7 nights a month and 1 night a month she goes to his ex?

Not too bad I don't think. It might well be something that benefits both siblings - her sib may well love having big sister over for a sleepover.

I don't see what the issue is. His other daughter's mum wants to know your daughter as her child's sibling. If she is her only biological sibling what's wrong with that? As long as your daughter is happy with the arrangement. A friend of mine takes her ex's younger DD out with her daughter. The child's dad and mum are still together though. Maybe you could ask your DD if she would like half DS over for a sleepover at yours.

Honestly, as long as your DD enjoys the sleepovers I don't really see the issue.

Unless you felt she was unsafe/in danger, you don't really get a say what he does when he has DD. Whether him and his ex are both happy with the arrangement for DD to build a relationship with her sister or whether he's using her for childcare, it's his right to do so (provided the ex is fine with it too which she presumably is). Just as, if you arrange for DD to have a sleepover with a friend or family member when she's with you, he doesn't get a say - and to be honest, I doubt anybody here saying you should get a say would be happy if their ex's started commenting on who they were letting DD stay with

It's actually no wonder so many children are exposed to risk and harm these days.

So your DD who is a very young child is supposed to be staying overnight with her father who quite frankly sounds like a shit, and instead had slept overnight at a woman's house that you (1) barely know:have no contact with and (2) have no idea who else is in that house, and you need to ask an anonymous Internet forum is you are being unreasonable to have an issue with this?

God save us.

@woody87 it doesn't matter that the OP doesn't know her that well - the OP's ex was with her for 4 years, he knows her well and he is also the parent on their DD. Would you say the OP shouldn't leave DD with a friend of hers if the ex doesn't know him that well? It's the same logic.

She does have a way to contact her - she has said she has her number and knows where she lives and that they are amicable. And again, it's the ex's contact time and he does have contact with her so it's irrelevant if the OP doesn't.

It's not OP's place to know her though. Dad is an equal parent and capable of assessing the risk.

OP is allowed to arrange sleepovers in her time presumably so I don't see why dad can't.

With it being his child’s former stepmum, it does make me cynical about his intentions and makes me wonder just how many “sleepovers” he will be expecting her to host so that the children can spend time together. It wouldn’t surprise me if his mid week contact with his eldest turns in to “after school tea time at stepmum’s house” so she can see her younger sister.

In my opinion, he should he having them both at the same time at his, and then arranging sleepovers with his parents for both of them together.