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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel about this?

29 replies

SunnySundayMornings · 08/05/2022 07:46

New here and lookinng for opinions please.

Yesterday I was helping my DH get back into his online banking after he repeatedly put in the wrong access code, once I had finally sorted the problem and managed to get him back into his current account outgoings were listed as I passed him his phone back i noticed a payment for stripnet.com. I didn't say anything at the time but later on in the afternoon I googled it and it is a live sex cam website. So he is obviously paying to watch women on web cams.

I actually felt quite sick angry and betrayed and I am unsure why exactly because I know he watches porn but this just felt wrong.

AIBU to think this is worse than watching porn or is it the same?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 07:53

Does it matter ? He’s spending joint money on it.
I know what I’d do.

Original poster
SunnySundayMornings · 08/05/2022 08:02

@KangarooKenny Although we are married and we both pay our share of bills we have our own bank accounts and our own money so what he's spending from his doesn't have any financial effect on me but I just felt hurt by it.

OP posts:
Duettino · 08/05/2022 08:11

I personally think it's not the same as porn. It's active engagement with another woman for sexual purposes. After talk of this on previous threads, I spoke with DP about it and I think the male consensus is that it's just porn. However, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It matters what you think and how it makes you feel.

Talk it through. Do you have kids?

GoodVibesHere · 08/05/2022 08:12

To me live cams are a step up from porn, they are live so it's more like interacting with someone rather than watching something pre-recorded. So I would feel upset and I'd be wondering how often he does it. I'd feel sad about it.

Honaloulou · 08/05/2022 08:17

It is disgusting, and I would not tolerate it.

I would have a very firm conversation with him so he knew why I felt it was so fundamentally wrong, and if he didn’t change his ways I would end the relationship.

Gizacluethen · 08/05/2022 08:20

We have "rules" that you can watch any (legal) porn you want but you don't talk to people and you don't pay for it. I don't care that you're wanking over a beautiful woman. I care that you are so invested in her that you are giving her our money or trying to flirt with her.

Original poster
SunnySundayMornings · 08/05/2022 08:20

@GoodVibesHere @Duettino thank you both. I do feel like this is a step up from porn and I think this is why I feel hurt and betrayed. No we have no children, he has 2 who are now 17 & 19 and we have been together for 15 years.
There is an age gap of 13 years between us (he is older) we usually have a very loving happy marriage but the intimacy has definitely dwindled down quite a lot over the last couple of years which I find disappointing being in my 30's but just put it down to workload, tiredness and he said he's lost his mojo a bit but now I'm obviously wondering if it's because he's just getting his satisfaction from paying to watch people on web cams instead and i do feel hurt and annoyed.

OP posts:
Neverendingmindfuck · 08/05/2022 08:31

@SunnySundayMornings
Each one of us can only tell you what we would likely do in that scenario (or have done in some instances).
The real question is what do YOU want to do??
Have you spoken to him?
I think that would give you a better indication of what your next step would/should/could be.
He may deny it, he may confess an addiction or he may say its a one off.
What would YOU accept out of those answers if any?
If HE or YOU conclude he has an addiction would you support him whilst he sort help for example?
Would it help to have a plan before speaking to him?
Or is this already crossing YOUR line, in which case are YOU seeking to end the relationship? YOU would then need source all the documents a solicitor would need for separating etc.
I hope you get some clarity and work out what YOU want, YOU are not in the wrong here 💐

KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 08:35

So he’s wanking off and you’re left with a disappointing sex life, not wanting to rock the boat because he’s tired.
For me, what he has done is no different to an emotional affair.

MrMrsJones · 08/05/2022 08:35

I would hate it and would see it as cheating.

How would he feel if it was flipped and you were paying some sexy young man ?

Original poster
SunnySundayMornings · 08/05/2022 08:45

@Neverendingmindfuck no I have not yet spoken about it to him. I just don't want the argument that will come with it to be honest. If it was one particular woman he was paying regularly then I do believe this would seriously make me question my marriage and whether I would still want to be with him or not. If it is just a site he flicks through then I could move on from that but I suppose he'd not admit to either. I just know i don't want to be second best to a web cam sex site. I just don't quite know how to go about asking him about it.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 08:46

I know how you feel. I’ve also got to the point in my relationship where I don’t question things due to fear of an argument.

HollowTalk · 08/05/2022 08:51

You're in your 30s? Honestly I would get the hell out of there and start a fresh life. He sounds a right sleaze bag.

Original poster
SunnySundayMornings · 08/05/2022 08:53

@MrMrsJones I wouldn't dream of doing it because it is morally wrong in my opinion.

@KangarooKenny exactly this!! I have just put up with a very limited sex life not knowing he was doing this and it's made me feel quite angry and resentful towards him. I can actually count the amount of times we have been intimate in the last year.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 08:54

Resentment is a relationship killer, it never goes away. I know .

RedRobyn2021 · 08/05/2022 09:10

It depends on your relationship and the boundaries you have, he might not have realised this would upset you if he knows you are fine with him watching pornography.

It does seem to me like a step up, especially as he is actually paying for it. It's all a bit wrong to me

Original poster
SunnySundayMornings · 08/05/2022 09:34

When I say he watches porn I've seen it in the past on his phone and it's not bothered me. In recent discussions about our lack of a sex life he said he doesn't even watch it anymore because he's just got no mojo and I believed him hence why I have been so patient. I have tried to be understanding. He has a physically hard job and 80% of the time he is exhausted so I had no reason to doubt what he was saying. Sex is not the most important thing to me in our marriage but love and trust.

It's either he has signed upto this website and has no mojo for anything else because he is too consumed by what he has been watching or he has looked at it to try and get something inside him going again but I don't think I'll find out the truth.

He has never come across as a sleazy bloke.

He gets quite defensive when I mention it's been however many weeks since we have been intimate so I genuinely have no idea what is going on with him. Due his how defensive he gets is why I am worried about bringing it up because I don't want it to turn into an argument. He may have some kind of problem physically that he's embarrassed about so gets angry instead of talking about it or he may be a massive perv and I have been blind to it!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/05/2022 09:38

Next step is paying for sex

These things escalate. He has demonstrated that.

Are you happy to continue with a dwindling sex life of your own while he gets his jollies elsewhere ?

SomePeopleAreJustIdiots · 08/05/2022 09:41

It is directly paying a sex worker for sexual services. Porn you are not directly commissioning.

FogLight · 08/05/2022 09:44

All these people cool with porn, do you have any idea at all how damaging it is to us all?

Original poster
SunnySundayMornings · 08/05/2022 09:46

@SomePeopleAreJustIdiots from what I saw of the site yesterday you create an account and watch live streams the more you tip the more active and raunchy the person becomes and you can comment asking them to do certain things. It is really grim 😔

The thought of him paying for sex repulses me and I did lie awake last night wondering if he has ever done this. In reality i don't think he is the type at all and sex is literally here for him but maybe he's just bored of me as we've been together for so long. All sorts of things are going through my head at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnySundayMornings · 08/05/2022 09:52

@FogLight funnily enough there was a documentary on sky about porn the other week that we both watched, it was interviewing former porn stars who talk of how horrendous it is. It went into detail of how they were injected with anesthetic before filming and were left in agony afterwards but no one cared. It massively changed my view on porn and I hoped it did his too. I am also more aware now of how damaging it is for younger people to watch and their unrealistic views of sex.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/05/2022 09:54

He is paying for sex though, isn’t he ?

He is giving money to women to get him to orgasm. It’s not really much of a leap to progress to face to face encounters.

MrMrsJones · 08/05/2022 09:58

You have his details, log back into his account, see how many times he has paid and how much.

Can you access his emails, see if you can find log in details before you confront him so he can't minimise.

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 10:00

This would be across the line for me. It'd be an absolute dealbreaker.