Cold feet! Hand hold please

[Puffinsrock]

Planning a big move- city to village in countryside. Village has sporadic bus but no train so going from zone 2/3 tube to car for everything

Reasons- more outdoor way of living / space and given option to transfer job so seemed like a sign (hospital Doctor so no improved pay or conditions though) not loved london during covid kids school here is sweet but very limited (aged 8,6,3)

Cons
Husband will have big commute 3 days per week approx 1h20 door to door
Will need to hire nanny with early start (7am) which I'm not sure is easy in a village setting
New area don't know anyone what if I don't make friends
My commute will be 30mins which isn't massive but isn't teeny either

Equivocal
Schools - ok where we are but free.
Amazing where we are moving to but need to paying (although we do have savings which we have saved just for this)
House - have lovely house now, found a lovely one to buy (although not as amazing as I had hoped when we first started talking about moving away from london)

We weighed it all up and agreed both keen but now we are coming closer to Exchange I'm getting really really cold feet!

Is this normal? Life where we are now is good, yes has issues but I know how to solve them / manage them etc

Really scared we won't integrate in new area / will hate it / won't be able to sort childcare etc/ commute will grind my husband down / relationship will be shit as no quality evenings together/ no where to go out etc

Is village living OK? Fun? How do you find having to drive everywhere to get around? Do you miss restaurants on the doorstep etc?

Do the kids like it?

I grew up in a city so feeling very nervous! Sorry if this all seems lame to rural mumsnetters!

Thank you!

Help please! Panicking after chaser emails from the solicitors today!

I think it really depends where you move to. We live in a rural town and if I had my time again I wouldn't do it.
Reasons are thus:
There are no opportunities for teens here. We have to travel for everything and with 4 we are pulled in many different directions. Public transport is none existent here.
There are no local decent job opportunities. I commute for work and although it's only 30 minutes it means evenings are such a rush as we then have to travel for activities.
There is no flexible childcare. Kids went to our local village school but they don't offer after-school or breakfast club. There is a shortage of childminders and the nurseries wouldn't pick up from the school. I can only work now that the kids are older and DH is ft wfh.
Although we are rural, the sparsest county in fact, there is a shortage of accessible green spaces. We have a big trek to get into open spaces and the local parks are pretty shit. I feel like we have the worst of both worlds - not rural living and yet the town is crap too.

Sorry that I sound so negative. I think it would really depend on where you go. Our town is quite high on deprivation index which I think contributes to the issues we have.

What help do you want OP?

for me all if the above would be a ‘no way’ but you’ve made these choices for YOUR family.

Is it that you need a change? Or do you just need to make some changes?

That’s a very big change all at once.

Are you both the same person @Puffinsrock @Eucalyptusbee ?

In any case I wouldn't do this move. You didn't say what level of doctor you are but if you are junior and still working horrible hours you need to be near amenities for everyone else so nanny can get kids to places easily. It will also be more difficult to find a nanny living in a place with no Trainline and sporadic buses. Your DH commute - how often will he have to do it? If five days a week that is way too long given what your job is as well.

From what you said about your current location in London I am failing to see why you would move to be honest. If you are willing to pay, plenty of good independent schools also in London and you would have open spaces. I don't know you haven't convinced me the move is right for you

I personally couldn't go through with that, but then I'm not made for village life. I like being near regular public transport (especially because 5 years' time, your oldest will want to go out with friends and s/he can hop on the bus instead of asking for a lift), I like having amenities near, I like walking to the shops and the cinema, restaurant etc. I like being anonymous in a big city - something that might not be that easy in a small community.

The only big pro you've given is space. Are you currently suffering and squashed in a tiny flat? Because there seems to be this romanticised idea of leaving the big city for 'more space' but if you don't currently feel the lack of it, why is there a need to move? Are the kids crying for a big garden and the countryside right now? Or are they happy with the set up?

All sounds great, apart from your husband’s commute. Any chance he can work remotely some days?

Country living can be very difficult for teens. And as others say, how accessible is the green space? If its all farmers fields that's no good.

Yes hahaha I am the same person. Wanted to NC so could reveal more amd not out self but clearly failed 🙃

I’ve lived rurally pretty much all of my life, in both tiny villages and very small towns.

I think it all depends on what is available in the village you’re talking about. If it’s basically nothing and you would have to drive to do literally anything, and for the kids to be able to do anything, then I wouldn’t recommend it. I grew up in that situation and it was boring as hell, and very isolating as a teenager.

Where I live now is the perfect balance I think. It’s classed as a small town but only 3000 people so more of a village feel. Lovely sense of community and diverse population which is used to newcomers so is very welcoming. A few amazing award winning restaurants within the town (walking distance) as well as a pub. 1hr 50 mins direct train to london (station in my town with free parking). Great state schools (people move here just for them) so no school fees. Because of train station older kids/teens aren’t cut off and can easily get to bigger towns/cities. And people do really look out for each other, kids have a real sense of freedom, my 11 year old spent the whole of last summer out with her mates, swimming in the river and going for adventures in the woods.

I wouldn’t want to live somewhere with less facilities with kids, been there, done it, wouldn’t do it again. Also yes you may struggle to find a nanny, there won’t be many floating around, maybe something to investigate before you sign?

Also meant to say although it’s a small town, we’re surrounded by open countryside. It would be 5 mins walk max for anyone in the town to be able to get to fields and woods.

We are moving to a nice part of the country. Village seems lovely although not well connected (3 miles to nearest train).

However School and school.community seem amazing. Everyone we have spoken to can't believe we got places/ can't be more positive about it.

May also be relevant that I don't need to start new job for 5m so will have some bedding in time to settle kids make friends find a nanny etc

basically I've lived my whole life in the same postcode pretty much . and I really want something more for the kids - clean air/sports/outdoorsy life / more old fashioned childhood I guess. This just isn't possible in an inner city

I also absolutely hate smart phones / social media for kids. So damaging but I see it all the time in London schools.

School we would be moving to has a zero phone policy and also actively discourages them being provided outside of school and goes to age 13 so feel I can protect kids from this for longer

Will still have access to london for trips / stays etc via my family

Husband will be wfh 2 days I'm only working 3 days so only need nanny 2.5 days a week

Just want to know how the logistics are more rurally and that it will all be alright really 😥

Sorry for the ramble feeling stressed and scared

@VeryGoodVeryNice this place sounds amazing! Where is it!!

Re the nanny- I spoke to a few agencies they said it would be fine but they don't recruit until around 3months before needed so I can't hire one now qs don't need them till December/jan

I live rurally and I love it for me but I have teens with hobbies and part time jobs as well as school and college so the lack of transport is a big problem. I don't work Fridays and I drove to the nearest village 5 times today dropping and collecting DC. I only manage during the school week as we have a complicated collection rota with a neighbouring family. It's something to really think about.

The idea of living in London (or any city or town tbh) fills me with dread.

I love the countryside, I love the remoteness. I'm happy to drive wherever I need to go for the exchange of being semi isolated. I can walk from my house for miles although I'm not so isolated that I don't see anyone for days at a time. The closest secondary schools are amazing but private so expensive. The state schools are smallish and I think provide more of a village community feel iyswim but involve a car trip to and from the school or closet bus stop.

However I have always lived in the countryside. I can understand the appeal of living somewhere like London (although I would hate it) but it is big leap to go from a big city to the countryside.

The problem with asking people for advice is that they are not you and your family. It might be the very best thing you have ever done or you may find it too much of a culture shock.

I would say I don't think it will be quick to truely settle in. It will probably take a good few months (I've heard people say 3 years from city to rural! Though not sure that's true).

If it was me I would give it a go, nothing is unfixable if you find it doesn't work but if it does you may really improve your life.

Good luck, what an adventure!

In the village there is a school, a village green, a village hall and shop, a pub and (apparently according to the EA so could be BS) lots of families with kids...

I think you need to find out about the availability of a nanny and wrap around help. Is there a village Facebook page you could ask on?

We did just that 3 years ago and regretted it. My husband’s commute was identical to your husband’s time wise and he ended up regularly seeing a chiropractor after his back gave out and he was in bed for about a week. The little ones wouldn’t see him most days of the week, he was out really early and back late. He had to rush out early to avoid the traffic, but coming back whether he left ‘early’ around 5 or late around 7 he ended up being home same time because of the traffic. We would drive every weekend for miles to eat out of just to find something to do. Neighbours were elderly and incredibly nosy and intrusive. We had the lady on the right who constantly knocked on my door ‘to get me out of the house’ or the guy on the left who was a retired bird watcher but still owned solid binoculars and watched us (mostly me) shamelessly.

Long story short we are back in West London and we’re staying put. We have a new found appreciation for the place.

Thank you @ElderflowerTonic and @Hoghedge10

We are 20 mins from the nearest market town which has a fair bit to do and has trains to London under an hour... so I guess I think when they hit teens I'll be dropping them there for the day?!

Prior to that I'm thinking it will just be school runs and playdates - extracurriculars are all taken care of on school grounds as optional add ons for an extended day

As its 5 years until the eldest will finish the school (aged 13 ) I guess we might know by then if we need to go somewhere more urban and that's not an unreasonable amount of time to have lived in the house?

Or am I being completely naieve!?
Eeeeek!

@Notinthemoodforthis jeepers!!! Do you mind me asking where you moved to? Roughly?

@Eucalyptusbee it’s Bruton in Somerset, every few weeks there’s another broadsheet publishing an article about how amazing the ‘Notting hill of Somerset is’…and it’s actually true 🤣, I love living here. We also have the Hauser and Wirth art gallery which holds lots of community events and a great restaurant. It’s a beautiful, friendly place to live, I came here knowing nobody but that soon changes. But it’s just big enough so that you don’t have everyone in everyone else’s business.

Your village sounds so much like the one we moved to, I wonder if it’s the same place. Another fun thing we had to deal with was the lack of plumbers/ nannies/ electricians. The heating didn’t work at all when we moved in and the plumber (number left by previous owners) said he’ll try to come in a couple of weeks. We ended up getting a team from London to change the entire system.

As the child/ teen that grew up rurally... great to have spaces to explore but generally into teenage years it was so hard. 1.5 hrs on a bus to school, organising any sort of teenage social life such as cinema even an exercise class a nightmare as reliant on parents for lifts so didn’t see school friends as much on weekends/ holidays however older I got I would go stay with friends nearer towns for a few days at a time. How would you feel about this? As a child never got to take part in clubs or activities in the evenings as was 30 mins from home and my parents having worked a full day didn’t want to be heading out again especially winter. The village you describe doesn’t sound like a lot of amenities- are you prepared to be in your car every evening/ weekend to allow you children to join in activities? I now live on the outskirts of a city , 5 mins walk to kids schools and everything on our doorstep and feel excited by the fact my kids have these experiences rather than what I had!

Bedfordshire - the local school was shocking and we had to put the girls into an independent school, drove every day for around 25 mins each way.

Do they have a cricket team who holds the Guinness record for the longest match? 😬

I think it may be difficult to move from a city to a village. I grew up in a village, I love village life but live in a city now and think it would be difficult to go back now I’m so used to having everything on my doorstep.
I would take everything the estate agent has told you with a large pinch of salt. I once viewed a house in my home village without disclosing that I grew up there. The agent was taking utter bollocks and clearly didn’t know the village at all.
Village community spirit can be lovely but also can be cliquey and gossipy.
Also think about when the kids are older and their social lives will rely purely on you. I didn’t have much of a life at all until I got a car and learned to drive.
Having said all that, cold feet at this stage must be very normal and expected. If you thought things through at length and have decided to move, maybe you should give it a go.