Cold feet! Hand hold please

[Puffinsrock]

Planning a big move- city to village in countryside. Village has sporadic bus but no train so going from zone 2/3 tube to car for everything

Reasons- more outdoor way of living / space and given option to transfer job so seemed like a sign (hospital Doctor so no improved pay or conditions though) not loved london during covid kids school here is sweet but very limited (aged 8,6,3)

Cons
Husband will have big commute 3 days per week approx 1h20 door to door
Will need to hire nanny with early start (7am) which I'm not sure is easy in a village setting
New area don't know anyone what if I don't make friends
My commute will be 30mins which isn't massive but isn't teeny either

Equivocal
Schools - ok where we are but free.
Amazing where we are moving to but need to paying (although we do have savings which we have saved just for this)
House - have lovely house now, found a lovely one to buy (although not as amazing as I had hoped when we first started talking about moving away from london)

We weighed it all up and agreed both keen but now we are coming closer to Exchange I'm getting really really cold feet!

Is this normal? Life where we are now is good, yes has issues but I know how to solve them / manage them etc

Really scared we won't integrate in new area / will hate it / won't be able to sort childcare etc/ commute will grind my husband down / relationship will be shit as no quality evenings together/ no where to go out etc

Is village living OK? Fun? How do you find having to drive everywhere to get around? Do you miss restaurants on the doorstep etc?

Do the kids like it?

I grew up in a city so feeling very nervous! Sorry if this all seems lame to rural mumsnetters!

Thank you!

Funny. Selfish Mother/Molly Gunn on instagram (of Mother sweatshirt fame) posted today to say a Bruton school mum laid into her outside their local shop for not inviting her kid to a birthday party and said the mum clique "all" agreed with her. It's worth being wary at first anywhere with a "village" feel. I live 40 minutes away from Bruton so get the South West benefits, but my town has over 30k people.

I can't say if it's right for your family but do bear in mind (I work in property) that a fair few people did this 2 years ago and have already gone back to London.

God everywhere pretty much in Beds is a shithole and I only visited family who lived there for a couple of years due to their work. You definitely didn't do enough research before moving there. OP I wouldn't base your decision on this poster's experience of Beds. Unless you're moving to Beds too?!

We moved from Edinburgh to the Borders. We're older, no kids. My hates are no decent employment, no public transport, no decent pubs/restaurants, no fun, taxis cost a mortgage, can't meet my friends on a Friday (they are back in the city).

Good points. Peace and quiet, no weekend rowdiness, can sit in my garden and hear the birds, I know my neighbours. Don't spend as much money.

If I had teenagers, I was younger, needed to find a decent new job I wouldn't do it.

I would caution you to think very carefully. A move from London to a rural village is big. If you were moving to a country market town with train station that’s another thing. But it’s huge going to a rural village with hardly any amenities. You have to be as sure as bust that this is what you want as it’s going to be a huge lifestyle adjustment.

For instance I moved from SW London to a rural Hampshire market town with busy high street, lots of shops including Waitrose, M &S Foods, Tesco, Boots, Superdrug, Waterstones, Fat Face, Mint Velvet, Joules, loads of independents etc etc. Plus a train station one hour 15 into Waterloo. But it’s sooooo different to what I’m used to and the amenities are great here. I can actually walk to these places I’ve mentioned and many more.

But the life’s very different here. I couldn’t cope in a small village and you need to be sure this is right for you. If you aren’t it’s better to pull out now. Even rent your house out and rent in your location you want to move to and see how you get on.

I used to live in London but grew to hate it. It felt very transient - just a place people lived in for a few years until they decided they wanted to buy a house and realised they could only afford a shoebox. 😂
For me, leaving London and moving to a village further up north was the best thing I did! We're about 8 miles from a really big town so go there for groceries/clothes etc but the village itself is very sociable and there's often events going on. If you haven't already, see if there's a village Fb group and join it. And if there isn't one, start one.

I think cold feet is normal with such a big move but you have nothing to lose. Your children will benefit massively from a life outside of the city and you'll almost definitely make friends too. It'll just take time to adjust.

And worst case scenario if it doesn't work out, you gave it a good try! But give it a year and see how you get on. Before you know it you'll be grieving your own tomatoes and making jam...and loving it. 😂

Sounds like the place I grew up. It was a terrible place to be a teenager. During the school holidays my parents would go off to work in the morning and I'd be stuck in the village with nothing to do until they came back at 7pm. I used to go for long walks and do a lot of reading. Sometimes one of them would drop me at a friend's house in another village on the way to work but that only worked with one friend because the others were all scattered across different villages all over the county and not on the way to parents jobs. I hated the holidays.
Term time was better and as you say extra curricular was available at my school but obviously very bog standard stuff like hockey, football etc so if you had any kind of niche interest there was no access to it.

My mum funnily enough worked for a branch of the local estate agent and regularly would sell houses to people leaving London and a good number of those did end up hating it and moving back...

Needless to say when I became an adult I moved to London and never left!

Curious how you came to choose that county in particular? You mentioned job transfer opportunity - so is that what pricked your interest in the first place & you started looking there?
Nothing wrong in that at all! Am just wondering if the job opp hadn’t arisen would you have ever contemplated moving there??

Had you any preconceptions of the place/county or is it quite familiar to you in other ways (popular place for families moving out of London to - just none you really know for eg) or is it completely new??

Have you researched what it’s like to live specifically there via any other means-newspaper articles, FB groups, friends/family etc bar Estate Agents?
If so what do what they say chime with you & your values/needs?

Culture shock can be massive because what you’ve always taken to be your “normal” in terms of amenities, quality of life, culture, attitudes, standard of living, economic investment in an area/level of deprivation) may be very different to what is “normal” elsewhere.

Both regionally & between north/south etc rural/village/town/city.

I know it’s really hard to know or predict - because it’s so easy to kind of romanticise pretty country places & imprint on them what we kind of want them to be.

Then again if we never tried anything different then we’d never know! And why should you go with what the “mainstream” (bit boring altho generally quite practical & sound!) do??

Depends how flexible & wiling to change you might be too - to embrace different ways of living & accommodating to the ways things are done in the new place?? As much as being welcomed in by others that may be similar to you. Provincial attitudes can be a real culture shock from city ones. Not that that’s bad. Often are better - but it can be an adjustment.

It must be a really lovely place however & have so much appeal/value to you & your family to have felt it was worth the change.

You could see it as a wonderful opportunity/adventure & if after a while, you find it doesn’t work for you, you can always move. Nothing is permanent or can’t be changed.

Wld def agree that rural life for teenagers can be v isolating if no transport or social life for them locally. But nowhere is perfect!!

Flip side is that countryside or coastal living is amazing & there are all kinds of more rural/outdoor & associated hobbies & activities that your kids could have the opportunity to benefit from which would provide their own outlets for social life/job opportunities.

Best of luck!!

Can you say which county it is you're looking at, OP?

Licorice makes very valid points.

@monarchoftheglen Hampshire
@LicoricePizza very kind and helpful / insightful post- thank you for taking the time

Sounds like a town in Hampshire I used to know.

Not at all. Just seen it’s Hampshire you’re moving to. If that’s the case lucky you!! Go for it!!! Think lots of others will agree 😊

@DashboardConfessional in a decade of living here I’ve been blissfully unaware of there being a ‘mum clique’. I’m clearly not in it 🤣.

I live extremely remote, always have done bar the time I was in uni in a small city, so nothing like London. I wouldn’t change where I live for the world - so peaceful and I think kids retain innocence for longer.

I can’t think of one negative, of course there is zero public transport but it’s all I’ve known - takes a 30min drive to get to the nearest town

I love living in a village, when we first moved in I found it a bit isolating but once my eldest started school it was like this previously hidden community appeared. I do worry about whether it will be harder in the teenage years when kids want to get out to town/clubs. Your husband’s commute would be the biggest thing in that list that would stop me moving though. Good luck OP!

DH and I relocated from the 'vibrant'(!) inner city of a big regional city to a tiny market town in the middle of nowhere 4 years ago. It's the best thing we've ever done. I love it beyond words and everyday I have to pinch myself!!
On a regular basis we say how pleased we are that we didn't move to a village or hamlet. We've known lots of people do it amd move again within a few years. In our tiny town we have lots of restaurants, bars, cafes and shops to walk to, as well as lots of community groups. We can get dressed up on a Friday night and stroll into town for dinner and drinks with friends. Any new friends we've made live walking distance from us. And crucially, we purposely chose a town with a little train station, which is so handy for work and leisure.
So think carefully if you want the lifestyle of driving for everything. With 3 kids won't you be giving them non-stop lifts as soon as they hit their teens?

Op we moved out of London recently and I am regretting it. You are listing some very serious problems there with commute and childcare availability.

London primaries are amazing. I have a 10 year old and most kids don't have phones .

Moving is so so huge. Don't do it when you have such obvious reasons why life will be difficult. Thst is a seriously shit commute for your husband as well

Village life is fine for young kids...

Not so much for teens!

Also, village schools tend to be small so any personality clashes/bullying can be hard to deal with/resolve. What is the secondary situation like?

Once your kids are teens they (probably) won't leave their rooms much so thelpvely area won't be of much interest :)

I wouldn't move op.

So many people have done this since covid hit and are regretting it :(

Also, how does the new house stack up with the energy price rises and fuel price rises?

Don’t do it!
Listen to your gut!
I live in a village & love it but I don’t have kids at home to worry about.

As a family with teens I wouldn't do it. They don't want space and green fields, from secondary they want to be out and about. Taxiing two whilst living semi rurally has been hard work, taxiing three more rurally would take over your life. And you do it because you don't want them to miss out. And they still miss out on the impromptu stuff.
They are little for such a short time.

^ this

Sounds like a no to me.

We moved from London jobs ( but living 50 miles from London) to a remote village. The countryside is beautiful, but we find the village small minded and terribly insular. Incomers are not welcomed, and there is a shocking lack of diversity and understanding.

People with teenagers find it especially difficult..I was chatting to a friend this week whose 16 year old is "tearing his hair out with boredom" and can't wait to turn 17 so he can learn to drive. It's also difficult for older people; driving is essential and heaven help you if you get ill.

It's expensive living where we do. Everything is a long drive away.

I love our house and garden, I love the scenery. But we're looking to move to somewhere with more facilities in the next few years.

The old saying when in doubt, do nowt.this is true I think .atm rural living is extolled as the "dream" all ages low beams log fires and so on .villages can be cliquey as well.lived rurally now burbs all the way. We have parks and dog walks here. Also shops very close by. I would maybe think again .

For me the two hour commute would be the major reason to say no.

But your list of cons is pretty bad. I would stay put. (Disclaimer: at your stage of life we considered moving out of London but didn't in the end and are so so glad we stayed. It's a brilliant place to raise children).