Difference in parenting styles

[parentinghell]

DS is 3.5 years old. DH and I have different parenting styles, I find him too harsh and he thinks I'm too soft. We have disagreed on two things today and it would be good to get other parents' thoughts.

1. DS has a 10 hour day at nursery and when he comes home he throws his coat on the floor and won't hang it up. You can tell him many times but it just won't go in, I think at that point he's too tired. Yesterday DH told him if he doesn't lock up his coat then he will have to go to nursery without it today. DS didn't pick it up so this morning DH made DS walk a few metres to nursery in the cold without his coat.

1. DS is slim, previously underweight. When he comes home from nursery we offer him food before bed. He gets 3 meals and 2 snacks at nursery although I can see today he refused his lunch main but ate his pudding. DH gave him a bowl of chicken, rice and beans but DS didn't want it and asked for Greek yoghurt, banana and blueberries. DH said he has to eat his rice etc first before he can have yoghurt, DS said he was hungry but didn't want to eat what DH gave him, so DH said no food for DS.

YABU - DH is handling it fine.
YANBU - DH is too hard on DS.

Sorry but I think your DH is doing fine. Re the coat, you said it was only a few meters, so I see no problem with it. You need to drive it home that DS needs to take care of his things.

As for the food I have had similar situations - kids refuse vegetables then want dessert. If they're hungry they will eat the vegetables. If they're not hungry then they can wait until the next meal.
And I'm way softer than my brother and SIL, who actually will serve the same plate at every meal after that until it is either eaten or goes bad, and nothing else.

In both these cases DH is wrong. The poor kid must be exhausted. You don’t argue with a shattered wrung out 3 year old, you support and empathise with them. Why not take his coat off for him and hang it straight up? No one turned into a hooligan because they didn’t bow to pressure to pick their coat up. You pick your battles.

Yogurt and fruit is a perfectly decent snack before bed.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a bully more interested in winning than connecting with his very young son.

I have a 3 year old btw, she’s not in childcare but she gets tired and overstimulated at times and I wouldn’t choose those times to pick a fight. I never pick a fight, I try and treat her like a fellow human who gets tired and ratty and isn’t her best self at the end of a long day.

I'd add, the fact that DS is slim makes no difference. If he goes back to being under weight, then you should schedule an appointment with a doctor because while it's normal for kids to be fussy, it's not normal for them to refuse food to the point of being underweight.

But honestly I highly doubt it'll come to that. I'm sure lots of people will come on here to say maybe it's a texture issue, etc etc, but barring SN, disliking the texture is as irrelevant as disliking the taste, kids still have to eat a balanced diet.

@Marty13 thank you. Yes I know I'm soft. I don't think DS would make the connection that throwing his coat on the floor the previous night has led to him having no coat 12 hours later. Or am I underestimating a 3 year old?

Similarly with food, if he's had 3 meals and 2 snacks at nursery are we really encouraging bad habits if we let him have fruit and yoghurt before bedtime instead of a warm dinner?

Why are you micromanaging how your oh parents?

I wouldnt accept a kid refusing to hang up a coat or to eat their main meal either.

(I wouldnt make a battle out of either)

The first one is a strange hill to die on - I’m not sure I could ever get that wound up about one singular coat on the floor.

The second one YABU, he can’t be that hungry if he doesn’t want his dinner. You can’t just let him skip to pudding or else you might as well let the menu be dictated by a toddler

I think your Dh is too harsh. Ten hours is a long day for a three year old. Cut him some slack.

Your DH needs to unclench. DS is 3 ffs, he's knackered after nursery and cutting him a bit of slack isn't being too soft. I would ask him what he would like to eat as a bedtime snack, personally. I wouldn't want chicken, rice and beans imposed on me after a long day when I'm exhausted either. Yoghurt and fruit would have been a much more sensible choice.

As for the coat thing - how cruel and stupid to make a 3yo cold because of something that happened the previous day. Your DH is a tool.

Can't generalise.
I agree with dh re the food.

Re the coat, I think that isn't a battle I'd want to pick, and not make it into a 'thing' that he hangs up his coat when shattered after a long Nursery day but - I don't know where you are, but it's been a lovely warm day here, and you said it is only a few metres to Nursery, so - I don't think there is a problem with him not having his coat today.
I do think though, at 3, that your ds won't associate the no coat this morning (even if he considered that a punishment which he almost certainly didn't), with him not hanging it up last night, so your dh's logic is flawed.

You do need to take into account how tired a little on is before building anything up into a confrontational situation.

Example 1 - punishment far too distant from the 'crime' to be remotely useful as a teaching moment. As long as it's not -8 outside or pissing it down, I don't think it's particularly harsh - but it's not a direct "action > consequence". If he refused to pick his coat up in the morning then letting him walk to school without it and be a bit chilly immediately after shows the direct consequence - this doesn't track in the same way, and a 3.5 year old doesn't especially care about "We hang things up just because". I'd be inclined to leave it as long as when he's finished playing he puts toys away if asked (i.e. is learning the concept of tidying up, just hasn't got the capacity when he's shattered from nursery)

Example 2 - Food-related punishments are a horrible idea, especially if he's struggled keeping weight on previously. "If you don't like what I tell you to like I'll deprive you of food" is not something that breeds security and comfort around food. If he's eating 3 meals and snacks at nursery, chicken rice and beans sounds like a lot for the evening and it's good that he's able to express what he does like - is it not better to have some easy favourites in and ask him if he'd like something before bed?

It sounds like DH is more bothered about punishment than understanding a) how toddlers work and b) where the behaviour is coming from.

Thank you everyone, this is our first child and my parents were overly harsh with me so I know I overcompenate sometimes for it.

I am glad both me and my dp are like your DH tbh. I'd hate for someone to undermine my parenting.

I come on here expecting your oh to be angry and aggressive. 3 is not too young to pick a coat up. 10 hours at nursery or not.

Its a tough one, our DS has always had to hang his coat up, shoes on the shoe rack, but i think after 10hrs in nursery, he may be exhausted and he is still only so little.
But once you say something you have to follow it through, so only threaten/say the things that are reasonable.

The same with our DS, he doesnt have to eat all his food, but he gets nothing until supper if he doesnt.

Christ. 10 hours at nursery for a 3 year old is a lot. I wouldn't be expecting him to hang up his own coat after such a long day. Poor chap.
For reference: my 3yo does 3 hours at preschool , I take her coat off and hang it up, but she needs to put her shoes on her shoe rack.

The good thing. Meh. Pick your battles.
How underweight is he? What percentile are we talking here?

@parentinghell well, it's important to explain cause and consequence of course. You can tell him "see, your coat isn't hanging where it should be, what happened ? Could it be because you didn't hang it as you should have yesterday ? Guess we'll have to leave without it then." It may not be totally understood the first time but it will long term.

As for the food, it's not about what he wanted to eat - indeed yoghurt isn't so un healthy - but it's about who is in charge. He doesn't get to decide what's on the menu or to eat only desserts. Otherwise you're cutting a rod for your own back.

In neither case the stakes are very high of course, but your DH's reaction doesn't seem disproportionate to me. But I'm sure people are going to cry child abuse on here, never fear 🙄

I hate food battles or any punishment around food so that would piss me off. Food isn't used to punish or bribe in this house and we don't withhold food to prove points. If DD doesn't want what is on offer but suggests something else then assuming we have it and it's easy to make then she can have it. I don't expect myself or DH to eat food we aren't in the mood for so I don't expect it of DD either.

The coat thing just seems genuinely unimportant and not sure either of us would pick that as a battle anyway.

I think the coat thing is wrong.

Having the right clothes and coat with you for the weather is good self care. I think your DH should be teaching your Ds the skills of how to have the right kit with you so you can be comfortable. Not withholding good self care as a kind of punishment - although I'm sure your ds does not really care about whether he has a coat (hence why the need to teach him about self care!)

I wouldn't get into a fight with a tired 3 year old about a coat. Nor would I insist on rice before yoghurt if he'd eaten already.

On the other hand your DH is not you and he is entitled to parent differently. It broadens your Ds mind to see different approaches- and his parents accepting of the difference - as long as the two of you don't fall out about it in front of him.

I don't think either of the things your DH does are so far out of touch as to be weird problematic or abusive. They're just a the stricter end of the spectrum.

@anywhichwaytoo he's 9th for weight and 50th for height. There was a point he was on no percentile. I'm normally someone who says he has to eat everything he's given but after 3 meals and 2 snacks and a 10 hour nursery day, if he want a healthy snack rather than dinner then I'm ok with it. If I had been preparing his food today I would have been making him the snack he had asked for.

As for the coat, I could get on board with DH if DS was going out immediately after throwing his coat on the floor, but I don't think DS will make the connection when there's 12 hours between the crime and punishment.

@Bumpsadaisie definitely not abusive. He's stricter than I am. The nursery is too far to walk all the way without his coat so I had to carry the coat in full sight of DS and then put it on a few metres down the road. That must have been confusing!

I think your DH giving a punishment the following day for the coat is probably too detached for a three year old to associate. I am not quite sure how this is happening. Surely the three year old enters the house with either you or DH and if he drops it on the floor you tell him to pick it up. Does he ignore you? If so that needs an immediate consequence not one the next day.

Re the food. Unless you know for sure he doesn't like a food there's nothing wrong with the here's what's on offer and nothing else approach. They'll quickly get used to that and it ensures they eat what you provide unless they really don't like it. You then identify what they don't like and obviously don't keep giving that to them. My son was getting a more and more restricted diet until I took that approach (no arguments or attempts at persuasion, just a clear rule). Now he eats almost everything.

Interestingly Ive just realised that I have a similar rule for myself now. My DH does all the cooking so he gets to decide what we eat. If he goes to all the effort of cooking (I don't want to cook!) then he gets to decide what he can be bothered to make. I am just glad I don't have to do it. If I really fancy something or go off something I do ask him but decision is ultimately his. I think the same principle applies here.

Check out AHA parenting. You could both take a look and see what you think. I think it’s great and based on sound and you to date child development theory.

I think the key things are warmth/unconditional positive regard with clear, firm and consistent boundaries (ideally non-punitive but logical) and not so loose they create anxiety but not so tight no learning can happen). Sounds simple but is incredibly complex.

Your husband is using old school behaviourism but badly (reinforcing with positive feedback is more effective than punishment) and you are possibly using attachment theory badly - focusing on the bond and security at the expense of boundaries. It’s a really common pattern and I recognise it in my own situation.

it’s good you’ve noticed the difference now so you can explore it together and find a way to parent together harmoniously.

good luck.

Ask him if DS told the Nursery staff that he was cold, would your DH explain why? Your DS won't be connecting him not hanging his coat up with your DH not taking care of his basic needs.
It is counter productive to get into food battles. Perhaps he wants a lighter meal before bed?

@TooManyPJs yes he ignored us RE the coat. I took the coat away and told him since he doesn't want it I will put it in the bin for the binmen to take and then hid it. But everything is a battle when we come home because he's tired.

DH and I are pretty good at not falling out over our differences in front of DS but I expect we will be having a discussion later tonight.

without his coat so I had to carry the coat in full sight of DS and then put it on a few metres down the road

why did you do that?!