Difference in parenting styles

[parentinghell]

DS is 3.5 years old. DH and I have different parenting styles, I find him too harsh and he thinks I'm too soft. We have disagreed on two things today and it would be good to get other parents' thoughts.

1. DS has a 10 hour day at nursery and when he comes home he throws his coat on the floor and won't hang it up. You can tell him many times but it just won't go in, I think at that point he's too tired. Yesterday DH told him if he doesn't lock up his coat then he will have to go to nursery without it today. DS didn't pick it up so this morning DH made DS walk a few metres to nursery in the cold without his coat.

1. DS is slim, previously underweight. When he comes home from nursery we offer him food before bed. He gets 3 meals and 2 snacks at nursery although I can see today he refused his lunch main but ate his pudding. DH gave him a bowl of chicken, rice and beans but DS didn't want it and asked for Greek yoghurt, banana and blueberries. DH said he has to eat his rice etc first before he can have yoghurt, DS said he was hungry but didn't want to eat what DH gave him, so DH said no food for DS.

YABU - DH is handling it fine.
YANBU - DH is too hard on DS.

With food, normally I make him fruit and yoghurt as I think he's had enough hot meals and he won't want another.

Is he eating the hot meals though?

Also it's not about it being hot. You are offering a sweet/dessert option every time.

All your DS is learning is his DF isn't kind to him. He's tired so why not do the kind thing and hang up his coat for him? But if not nice enough to help with that, now he will make the DC be cold for no other reason than getting revenge on a toddler. The coat is there available, your DS just knows his DF is making him be cold by refusing to let him have his coat. Dreadful behaviour, imho. Your DH is choosing to battle his own tiny child and should know better.

This.

Your dh is awful.

I think you are confusing him completely with your "putting coat in the bin" ridiculousness. If you do things like that he will soon learn to not believe anything you say. Why would you want to do that ?

It isnt old enough to connect at all. All he did was make his child walk without a coat he wont understand at all

Its not about harsh or soft but realistic as to his age and what is appropriate.

And never weaponise food at all

Your dh is essentially arguing with a toddler he needs to stop the power battles. Food dont make a big deal of and don't bribe with pudding. You want a healthy eater with a good attitude to food.
The coat it depends how big an issue it is. If you want him to pick his coat up start small. Maybe he moves it slightly, lots of praise/encouragement then keep extending the goal post until eventually he's hanging it up. If you choose to go down the consequence route they work better if they are immediate. Your son won't change his mind based on a future consequence 12 hours from now. Lisa he's unlikely to be fully understanding the situation if he's tired and emotional.

A 10 hour day is longer than many adults working day, no wonder he’s knackered. I’d give tired toddler quite a bit of leaway - making the evening as calm as possible and allowing him to rest and relax in his home.

The jacket isn’t a big deal, you can work on his tidying up skills at the weekend when he’s less tired. And I’d never make food a battle ground - who would want a heavy-ish meal right before bedtime, so why impose it on a small, tired child. Yoghurt and fruit has nutritional value and is light and easy on his tummy, maybe explore with nursery what’s happening with his meals there but by home time I’d be making everyone’s life as easy as possible.

Your DH needs to read up on child development and gain an understanding of age appropriate expectations for his child. He’s being way too harsh.

I dont think either of you were wrong, just different, and i think you need to compromise away from DC. Decide between you what matters and what the rules are, and then be consistent and united in enforcing them.
So, how much does it matter to you as parents that DC hangs his coat up? Personally, it wouldn't. So I'd just stop telling him to, rather than give him the opportunity to disobey and then disagree with your DH about sanctions. If it matters a great deal to DH, then support him in insisting and in carrying out some pre agreed consequences.
The same with his meals. The yoghurt and fruit is a decent choice, but once your DH had insisted on the other meal, it's undermining to backtrack, so can you agree beforehand what is acceptable for DC to eat?

I'm with you OP, your DH is way too hard on such a young child.

That's not how I was raised or its not how I raise my own kids.

What a joyless miserable man. How could you stand him?

"if you hang your coat up nicely DS, you can have some yoghurt and fruit"
Sorted

Glad you got the food sorted - that’s not an area to turn into a battle ground.

with the coat I can see both sides. However, with my younger two we put a box just inside the door to dump stuff in after nursery. It was like a middle ground to stop it turning into an issue. It’s easy to get into the habit, even at 3.5 when it doesn’t require thought or fiddly hanging