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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being asked what are you wearing to an event?

34 replies

Polly345 · 05/05/2022 18:26

I'm meeting a friend to go to a charity event on Sunday.
She loves to dress up and I was already guessing she would want to
I'm not a dressing up sort of person and I've just received the expected ,`what are you wearing?' message.
If we were in our twenties or even thirties I would understand but I feel like I'm being put on the spot.
I was planning on wearing a smart top and trousers and ankle boots with a small heel. I have been suffering from sore and swollen feet so wearing other shoes isn't an option.
Im not looking forward to the day at all.

OP posts:
Besttobe8001 · 05/05/2022 18:27

I get this, and I'd just say something like "oh you know me, I don't really bother with dressing up, I probably won't decide til the morning".

Thejoyfulstar · 05/05/2022 18:28

No I don't think your friend is BU at all. Its just a question and not a personal one, as she will see what you're wearing (which sounds fine). I don't really understand the issue. Can you elaborate please?

KitKattaktik · 05/05/2022 18:30

Your friend is only asking so she can gauge whether what she's planning to wear is right. 🙄

Talipesmum · 05/05/2022 18:30

Just tell her what you’ll be wearing?

I guess is the problem that she’ll come back and criticise it for being not dressy enough?

PonyPatter44 · 05/05/2022 18:31

Isnt it just a normal question? You know, how people engage with each other socially?

Just tell her you're wearing trousers and your red top, no need to give the poor woman all the gory details of your bad feet!

LightningAndRainbows · 05/05/2022 18:32

Ask what she's wearing as you're not sure yet?

neverbeenskiing · 05/05/2022 18:33

I was planning on wearing a smart top and trousers and ankle boots with a small heel.

So why not just tell her that? Are you worried she'll criticise what you're planning to wear? If she does then she's rude and BU as it sounds absolutely fine. Or is it just that you don't really want to go so you don't want texts reminding you about it? If you're dreading it that much just don't go!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2022 18:34

Since you already know then just tell her. I don't ask people this, but if I'm ever asked I just say "God I don't know - whatever clean on the day!"

Iamblossom · 05/05/2022 18:35

I do this sometimes becisde I don't want to turn up wearing the exact same thing as my friend and looking ridiculous. For example, the outfit of a flowery long dress, trainers and denim jacket is very popular amongst my friends and women of my age in general and I didn't want to wear this to London with my friend on Saturday if she was earing the same so I asked her. She was, so I wore something else.

What's the problem?

InstaHun88 · 05/05/2022 18:36

It's reasonable to ask, I always check with my friends to make sure I don't over or under dress. Also, it's normal to be excited by an event and opportunity to dress up but it's also normal not to be excited by it. The only unreasonable thing is to be annoyed by the question, do what you want. Your friend has done nothing wrong. And if you don't feel like going to an event, don't go.

violetanemone · 05/05/2022 18:36

Agree with PP really, it's just a question and this is more about the way you are reacting to it - why does it bother you to be asked what you are wearing? It sounds like you're feeling inadequate in comparison to your friend who likes to dress up. Everyone is different - wear what you want and are comfortable in. I don't see a problem with sharing with your friend what you have said here that you are wearing, or are you worried she will judge you? If so, why?

katepilar · 05/05/2022 19:02

It looks like the question has a different meaning to you and your friend. Why does it bother you? Do you feel like its a dress competition? Or like she is putting too much interest in clothing that you feel is beyond your age and not your interest at all?

RunnerDuck2020 · 05/05/2022 19:05

That seems like a perfectly normal question. Just say you haven’t decided yet if you don’t want to tell her?

worraliberty · 05/05/2022 19:07

I was planning on wearing a smart top and trousers and ankle boots with a small heel.

Well that's your answer then surely?

I'm not really sure what the problem is or what it has to do with age.

NumberTheory · 05/05/2022 19:19

I don't see the problem with her asking if she's trying to gauge whether she'll feel over/under dressed next to you. But I do see the problem if this is just the opening salvo in an exchange that's really about pressuring you to wear what she wants you to rather than what you want to.

You know her better than anyone else on here, OP, so does she have form for asking something like this only to criticise and try and get you to change?

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 05/05/2022 19:42

I would always check with a friend in this situation. 'What are you wearing ' or some variation how posh will you be/do I need a dress/heels etc. I'm very unlikely to wear the same as either of my BFs as we have very different styles but we'd aim for the same level of 'dressed-up ness'

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 05/05/2022 19:48

I can see it could be annoying if you feel she's trying to police what you're wearing but for me and friends it would be a really standard thing. In fact I was only recently complaining that I often go out with DH and my male BF and his DH and when I ask any of them the answer is always trousers + shirt which literally tells me nothing useful!

gothereagain · 05/05/2022 20:15

My friends and I ask this of each other all the time. It's basically to guage whether it's posh meal dressy, night on the dance floor dressy or a few beers on a Saturday night dressy! I'd hate to be over/ under dressed and so would they.

totallyoutnumbered · 05/05/2022 20:18

That's the first thing me and my friends ask each other to be honest. Followed by pics of options. Each to their own I say

NewBrownMouse · 05/05/2022 20:20

Just answer honestly, my friends and I ask this of each other when we meet as it allows us to gauge how to dress ourselves casual/smart casual/dressy etc. It's not about pressuring the other person, it's more about feeling reassured that our own planned outfit is similar so we don't end up under or over dressed

BluebellCockleshell123 · 05/05/2022 20:21

I always ask my friends this. As others have said it allows you to gauge if your idea of a suitable outfit is actually suitable. And on one memorable occasion meant that we avoided a situation of all 4 of us turning up in a black jumpsuit!

HeddaGarbled · 05/05/2022 20:24

This is such an odd reaction. You’re not looking forward to the event because your friend asked you what you’re planning to wear? What’s this really about?

5128gap · 05/05/2022 20:26

I'm 52 and I and friends pretty much always ask each other this. My work friend and I ask before work big work events! We want to make sure we're roughly matched in level of dress up, and because we have similar tastes, not too well matched like teen best friends.
Sounds to me though that the issue isn't so much the question, as the level of importance your friend places on clothes, turning outfits into something to concern yourself with, rather than irrelevant to the experience, as they are to you.

lakeswimmer · 05/05/2022 20:27

YABU. It's a fairly normal question. I'm not very interested in clothes but recently went away with a friend for the weekend. Both of us were travelling by public transport and didn't want to carry much but were going to a wedding reception followed by outdoor theatre performance. We discussed what to wear because we were both trying to get the balance right between fairly smart and warm.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 05/05/2022 20:33

I don’t really understand the being put on the spot thing… everyone is going to see what you’re wearing when you arrive.

You said “she will want to dress up” - but that doesn’t mean you have to. Unless there is a backstory about her making comments about your outfit choices, I don’t really see the problem with asking what you’re wearing. It sounds more like you’re uncomfortable about going to the event in general.