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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did your DC decide not to go to University because of their GF/BF

38 replies

Loomingdoom · 05/05/2022 17:16

DS (17) has always wanted to go to university to do a course which is very worthwhile and would definitely lead to employment in a well paid field. He is very academic and it would be a natural next step after A’levels.
He has been going out with a lovely girl for approximately 6 months and it’s pretty serious. She doesn’t want to go to university and instead wants to work in an area she enjoys that doesn’t require higher education. DS is now wavering about going to university, although he’s not sure what he’d do instead. I don’t want him to go and be unhappy and subsequently drop out but I can’t help but feel he’d be making a big mistake not going when all his friends do (I know he can always go later, but it would be much easier to get help from college for applications etc). I don’t really know the best approach to take with him. I know it’s his life and up to him but I don’t want him to throw away opportunities or not reach his potential and be unfulfilled ultimately. I’d be interested to hear from anyone with experience of this.

OP posts:

Littlegoth · 05/05/2022 17:18

I didn’t do what I wanted to do. Married 8 years after uni, divorced 6 months later. Resentful the whole time and I regret it massively.

Holly60 · 05/05/2022 17:21

I guess you could sit down and do a pros and cons list with him. Try to be even handed but make sure he's really thought it through. After that it's up to him.

Parsley1234 · 05/05/2022 17:22

Yes I was that person but my mum had different ideas she sorted out somewhere for me to live all my kit it was art college and that was that - had the best years ever and finished with bf after 1 month in lol

motogirl · 05/05/2022 17:24

University doesn't have to be straight from school. Whilst we all worry as parents, let your son decide - going at 20,21 might actually be better from an academic point of view. My dd is in year 1 at 23 and loving it. It's not either or

Mumwantingtogetitright · 05/05/2022 17:26

Could he potentially go to uni close to home?

hellcatspanglelalala · 05/05/2022 17:29

No but I did, and I've always regretted it.

Subbaxeo · 05/05/2022 17:30

My niece went to uni next door to her bf’s. choice but dropped out after a year. She still lived there for the next 2 years because she was worried they’d split up if she came back home-found a local job and had a house share. They’re still together. I think you should encourage him to go-if they are serious, they will find ways to see each other. My kids’ friends generally went and they went to separate ones from their partners and some of them managed to survive the three years away from each other, being together at weekends, holidays etc. Howwver, my daughter had serious bf who didn’t go-he couldn’t hack the distance so they split up within a year-she was heartbroken but now she has her degree and a good job. It would be a shame to not take up his opportunity-they can work out how they’re going to manage-and if they break up-not meant to be.

VintageGibbon · 05/05/2022 17:31

I'd encourage him not to close down his options yet.Look at unis and courses. Apply for them. If he chooses to defer or not to take up an offer, that's fine. But to not even apply makes the choice impossible.

He could also look into what he'd do instead. It needs to be something he's as excited by as the uni course and the career prospects it enabled. He doesn't want to be stuck in a dead end job waiting for his girlfriend to be free after work so he can enjoy a few hours a day.

If he goes to uni she can visit at weekends, he can come back, he will be around all the long summers and at Christmas and Easter.

A friend's son has a gorgeous girlfriend and they survived through him going to uni and through lockdown.

MarJau26 · 05/05/2022 17:37

At 17 he knows absolutely nothing about life, he shouldn't be making big decisions such as skipping university for a teenage relationship. He isn't an adult and I think you need to step in and give him quite a reality check here. He could change gf many times before he is 20 but he will regret not having a qualification at 20. Sorry but I would be very angry with my ds if he decided to make a foolish decision based on a girl.

Onthegrid · 05/05/2022 17:38

My DH went to uni, I stayed at home starting my career path, this was in the days of no phones or social media, we saw each other at least monthly, this included the summer as he would usually work away from our home town. We are still together 30 years later.
My DD had a boyfriend from Y12 and they both went to uni in different directions from our home town, they didn't make it through to Easter.

Oblomov22 · 05/05/2022 17:40

If the relationship is strong enough and meant to be it'll survive Uni. Ds1 is very serious about gf of one year. But I've already made it clear that I hope nothing would stop him going to Uni.

YarnHoarder · 05/05/2022 17:44

I think there's several options here but I'd still proceed with applications and visits as there's no real commitment until you start and some fees have been paid.

don't go, work locally and potentially limit immediate options
apply but defer for a year and work instead
go to the nearest university some of which might have some great options
go to the university he originally had his eye on if he was accepted

I'd get him to keep his options open for now, you've lost nothing except the UCAS fee and any travel costs visiting universities. I can see why at 17/18 the GF wouldn't be comfortable moving to a new city but not living with the BF as it's scary and not a great safety net.

amusedbush · 05/05/2022 17:45

I did. I was with him from the age of 17 to 20. Unfortunately, my leaving school also coincided with the 2008 financial crash so I ended up working in temporary admin jobs for years because no-one was hiring - my mum was devastated.

When I was 24, my then-boss encouraged me to do an evening course at the local college. That got me advanced entry into a part-time degree, which then led to a part-time MSc. I'm now 32 and doing a PhD, plus teaching undergrads on the side.

On the whole, I'm really glad things worked out the way they did. I certainly choose a more practical degree at 26 than I would have at 17

amusedbush · 05/05/2022 17:46

CHOSE*

You'll be glad to hear that I don't teach English

bigbluebus · 05/05/2022 17:49

I wouldn't have allowed my DS to not go to Uni based on a 6mth relationship with a girl. If they really are serious then they will survive him being away and she can visit/he can pop home some weekends. He would be throwing away the opportunity to experience life away from home and gaining a degree and career for a relationship which may or may not survive.
My DNephew had a gf at school. They both went to different Unis and visited each other at weekends. Now DN is doing a post grad and GF has moved to the same city and got a job. They still don't live together - she shares with her friends and he with his. They're both 24 now.

SecondhandTable · 05/05/2022 17:50

I'd encourage him to go but try not to be too pushy, maybe make suggestions about how the relationship can continue to work even with him at uni. E.g. a) long distance (we did this for the first year of uni, it was fine, we met up every couple of months or so and we are still together, and I know a few people who did it all the way through uni and sometimes even beyond and are also still together years later). B) uni in home city or commuting to a nearby uni. C) Girlfriend moves to his uni city and pursues her career/job there.

Ponderingwindow · 05/05/2022 17:51

My job as a parent is to support my child in full time education.

if he wants to skip university, it’s time for him to support himself financially. As soon as he finishes school, he needs to get a full time job and start paying rent.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/05/2022 18:04

I second pp that say he is just 17 and is relying on you to guide him - even if he doesn't know it! Make sure he applies and you go to the open days, and start the process regardless.
In your position we would talk out the advantages, I would be making a very strong case for university and would tell him that if he really wants to ensure his gf is happy in the future, then a good job and financial security are imperative. List the reasons why she might also enjoy higher living standards etc, new cars, holidays, buying a home etc all costs money.

I would point out that she could always move close to the uni, and that is an option. The holidays are very very long and so he would see plenty of her, and she can come and stay with him at weekends. It will give him the chance to fulfil his potential and ambitions, it is not like he has a list of alternatives. I would also point out she could finish the relationship in the near future, and he has thrown away his chance. Despite what others are saying starting in your 20's is not very common at all. Above all, if it is meant to last, then it will.

That is option A, and option B is basically to remind him that you can't support him unless he goes to uni, so he will need to get a job as nighttime shelf stacker now.

I would not be happy with the idea of him not going for this reason, and would move heaven and earth to convince him otherwise.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/05/2022 18:06

I wouldn't be taking no for an answer in short, and if I had to steamroll, I would. He is not an adult and is not going to uni is not an option, or wouldn't be for us.

themosttiptoptopcat · 05/05/2022 18:11

I went to Uni at 18, my boyfriend of 2 years stayed home and got a full time job, he would visit me every/every other weekend or I would go home for the weekend occasionally. 11 years on and we’ve been married for nearly 3 years.

springsmiles · 05/05/2022 18:17

I met my BF in the april before Uni. I did go to Uni and BF was working. I was surprised but it did work out. Although I went to a uni only 1 he from home, so he could come see me in the week and I would go home weekends.

Honestly I regret being with him for the whole of my 3 years as I don't feel I really had the chance to bond with my house mates or make as many new friends, but we did get married and are still together 20 yrs on

GarlandsinGreece · 05/05/2022 18:17

Not quite the same, but after earning AAB in my A-levels (back in the Dark Ages) I chose to go to a subpar ex-poly, because that’s where my boyfriend was going.

To this day, I wish to god my parents had put their feet down and saved me from such a shitty decision.

LillyBugg · 05/05/2022 18:18

met my bf at 16 and he was a year older. He went to uni and I followed him to the same one much to my mothers horror. I know it's not quite the same. But she didn't support me at all and made life difficult. I moved in with him at 18. I married him at 24, that was ten years ago and we've got two DC. I also have no contact with my mother.

I think mine is just a tale of caution OP. It's okay to advise but be kind and be supportive whatever he decides to do. A good job isn't everything.

Autienotnaughtie · 05/05/2022 18:20

I didn't go to uni as bf didn't want me to. Massively regretted it, got my degree at 35. He could go to uni closer to home to be near gf or defer his place for a year and work a year see how he feels. But he needs to do what's best for him in long run.

Crunchycrouton · 05/05/2022 18:22

I skipped uni for that reason.

I went back and did a law degree at 22 and by 30 I was on a good salary as a qualified lawyer, by 35 I was earning the same as if I’d gone at 18.

Another friend of mine went to uni and dropped out after her first year. She did something she wanted to do at 21, and got her degree at 24.

Its not ideal; but it can work out. With hindsight I wasn’t ready for uni at 18, but I was a few years later.

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