Did your DC decide not to go to University because of their GF/BF

[Loomingdoom]

DS (17) has always wanted to go to university to do a course which is very worthwhile and would definitely lead to employment in a well paid field. He is very academic and it would be a natural next step after A’levels.
He has been going out with a lovely girl for approximately 6 months and it’s pretty serious. She doesn’t want to go to university and instead wants to work in an area she enjoys that doesn’t require higher education. DS is now wavering about going to university, although he’s not sure what he’d do instead. I don’t want him to go and be unhappy and subsequently drop out but I can’t help but feel he’d be making a big mistake not going when all his friends do (I know he can always go later, but it would be much easier to get help from college for applications etc). I don’t really know the best approach to take with him. I know it’s his life and up to him but I don’t want him to throw away opportunities or not reach his potential and be unfulfilled ultimately. I’d be interested to hear from anyone with experience of this.

I didn’t go because of my bf at the time. I really regret it as the relationship didn’t last and I am stuck in a dead end job now.

Not quite the same but my DS didn't finish her quals because of a BF. They finished 12m later and she never went back to finish. She's now in her 50's and earns £30k pa.

Personally I think he should go and experience uni now, I kniw he can go later, but getting on the career ladder early is def the best option in my experience.

If he can go close to home, he can still see his GF. Most people I know who had DPs St home and went to uni weren't together for very long.

We all know what that first love feels like and maybe tge relationship will survive, better to test it now rather than later when he's working and may not want to go to uni.

YANBU

I wouldn't be taking no for an answer in short, and if I had to steamroll, I would. He is not an adult and is not going to uni is not an option, or wouldn't be for us

my parents did this to me. Big mistake. Wrong course, wrong career, and I could never afford to retrain. Consequently i’ve never had a “career” in a field I enjoy.

my mum is very proud of my degree though 🙄.

o/p I’d tell him to apply. Apply for the course and uni he wants, plus one nearer home. He can defer a year if he wants to hang around and see how the relationship goes. But he needs to get a job.

i’d also focus on “if it’s meant to be, it’ll survive 3 years at uni”. She can visit, so can he. It’s only 10 weeks apart at a time. Try and make him see that going after what he wants can help the relationship- he’ll be in a better place after etc to support an adult relationship.

My DS was wavering more about where to go that whether to go at all. But I told him categorically that he should not be making life decisions based on a relationship at this age. They are too young, have so much growing to do as people and it's extremely unlikely this person is the one they will spend the rest of their life with. Definitely not something to base huge life decisions on. However strong his current feelings are.

Thankfully he's always taken my advice seriously as that relationship has since broken down. He's now with someone else that is much better for him and does not regret his uni decision.

Consequently i’ve never had a “career” in a field I enjoy

Well at least you had a career, dropping out is almost certainly going to lead to very little opportunity and options.
He can apply for the uni in the closest city if he must, but simply dropping out because of a six month teenage romance would be robustly but kindly challenged in this family.

As he looked into degree apprenticeships? That would mean that he could start earning straight away and still get a degree.

I know I would be worried in your shoes but it is more common (I am a university lecturer) for people to come to university at different points in their life and make significant career changes so a lot of opportunities will still be out there.

He'll regret it and resent her in the future if he doesn't go. My partner went to university 5 hours away and I stayed in London, we made it work. 7 years later we're happier than ever. Plus I liked going up to visit him, like a mini holiday and he liked coming home for the break. Christmas and Easter break is a month long too, summer break is about 3-4 months.

He needs to go through the processes of application - I'd be pointing out:

The relationship may not survive if he goes to uni - equally it may not survive if he stays at home.

What are his plans if he doesn't go to uni, because you'll not be supporting him to sit on his tush.

What are his shirt term, medium and long term goals? Where does he see himself in 5/10/20 years time?

If the relationship does survive him going away to university he will be in a much better position to progress the relationship if he has a good degree and subsequently a good job - they'll be able to travel, get on the housing ladder, plan a family of that's what they want.

Get him to ask his college if they will support him applying once he is left (I work in a Sixth Form College and we still help with applying/references etc even if they left a few years back).

If they don't, do as PP say - apply and he can always defer.

Thanks for the replies. I have made it clear to DS that he should going to university and if his relationship is meant to be it will survive.
@LillyBugg I agree with you though and don’t want to push him away so am trying to be understanding (even though it’s hard)!

Although it's true that 17 year olds often make unwise decisions he'll be 18 when it's time to actually go to university and you can't force an 18 year old to undertake a degree against their will!!

I would advise him to apply to university but potentially defer the year and then after the year he can decide whether staying at home and working is for him or if he'd prefer to go.

Personally I would be insisting on higher education.

It crossed my mind not to go but my mum basically said, if I didn't go then I'd had to get a job and would be expected to pay my way (not very appealing). I think the main thing that helped was that she didn't try and down play our relationship. She validated my feelings but she'd reason that a strong relationship could survive some distance and she encouraged me to think of ways to make it work so that I could have both a degree and my relationship. She also said if I went and was miserable I could always quit. Ultimately I went and although I desperately missed my boyfriend initially, I grew to love uni and my boyfriend and I maintained our relationship for almost the full 3 years.

I'm really glad I went, I would of 100% regretted not going.