AIBU to invite family members that don't speak to each other to an event

[Woodandsky]

Trying not to be too outing here but we have family members that haven't spoken for quite few years. DH and I have sympathies on both sides so have tried to remain neutral and keep contact going both ways which has been incredibly difficult but so far we've managed it.

I'm worried what will happen when big wedding / funeral level events come along that ordinarily both would be invited to, how do we choose who to invite?

We have a low key event coming up which will be the first test, but not really a huge problem if neither of them come like a wedding or funeral would be. Hard to find a way out without making it look like we've chosen sides.

Mumsnetters often seem to recommend going NC with difficult members, I'm not sure they consider the impact on the wider family.

So for the upcoming event (and any future weddings etc) AIBU to invite all of them & expect them to just stay away from each other without making a scene?

Without context behind this lack of contact, it's hard to say YAB(N)U.

However, if you do so, you should let them know when they're being invited that you've invited the other side and then in terms of follow-up, make them aware if the other person is actually coming. Try to keep them away from each other to the extent that it's up to you (don't seat them right nearby, etc.)

I would invite them both and then let them work out it out. Hopefully they will be polite and navigate it appropriately.

I’ve dealt with a similar situation in the past. It was based on petty stubbornness so out of mischief we placed the two antagonists next to each other.

Had there been anything really serious or hurtful at the back of it we would have invited both and done our utmost to keep them apart.

My youngest and eldest DD's are NC. They just ignore each other at Christenings etc. Luckily events aren't that often. The excuse of working is used to the children in the family and usually my youngest is working on Easter/Christmas etc. They've been NC for nearly five years.

Just to add, if it was a case of assault, robbery, severe verbal abuse etc then I'd side with the victim.

I have this situation in my family. It's been going on for years. So many combinations of people not speaking to each other, it's ridiculous. I'm the only one who is in contact with all of them.
I've managed many social occasions over the years by inviting them all. They can then choose to stay away or attend and behave like adults for a few hours. I refuse to make it my problem.

It's not anything as serious as abuse or anything illegal but the culmination of many years of conflict. They haven't been in the same room as each other for a few years now but with 2 years of Covid nothing much has come up so far.

All I would like is for them to be able to tolerate each other's presence without making a scene but that seems highly unlikely.

I’m on the other side of this in that I am NC with an extremely unpleasant member of my family who has treated me appallingly. They did so quite publicly so most others are aware of the issues and rather more of the detail than I would choose to share. I would never expect to have them excluded at any family event because I won’t speak to them. Our being NC is nothing to do with anyone else and I would never create a scene in public. I’ve managed to avoid them at plenty of events thus far and will continue to do so if we’re invited to things they’re at.

Unfortunately some family members don’t seem to understand that it’s perfectly easy to avoid people at both formal and informal gatherings - or are put on the spot by NC family member who is less private than me - so exclude me in favour of them (even though it was their behaviour that resulted in me cutting contact) and that hurts a lot. But I guess it’s the price to pay to not have a relationship with an abusive bully.

Invite both, adults should be able to coexist politely in the same space for a few hours for the sake of the host. I'm divorcing, exh still lets me know things and we can talk civilly, he's coming to DD's graduation party and dp will be there too (exh has a plus 1 in case he wants to bring whoever). So important for the kids

How many others will there be at the event?

If its a dinner party for 8 I would say don't invite but if there were 30ish people they should be able to avoid each other.

Whatever type of event, you should tell both sides that you've invited the other and leave it up to them.

The upcoming event is quite low key, not a dinner party but tricky to avoid each other, it’s what happens if one of my children gets married that’s bothering me most I think. If I can’t sort it for this that will be worse.

I fear neither side are particularly able to behave like adults which is why we’re in this mess.

Depends on the events and depends on the people.
Big events are probably easier because with lots of people attending the NC people can be seated apart from each other and as long as they are not into the drama they would still be able to enjoy being part of the day. Obviously not possible if one thrives on drama and also generally difficult for smaller events, where staying apart is difficult. What's the low key event?

Invite them all. If it's a seated event, seat them well apart. Then leave them to behave like adults.

You can invite them but also respect that they might say no. You may not know the full picture of why they aren’t in touch. They may have tried to protect you or tried not to gossip too much. There are usually VERY good reasons why family members don’t get on.

Invite both sets of people. They really must behave like adults. As someone up trail has said, let them know the other party will be there & if both sets accept the invitation, try to ignore any issues. Keep well out of it. Don’t get involved.
Have a lovely time.
I was wife No 2 at my step son’s small garden wedding. His mother, wife No, was there of course but whenever I saw her coming my way or I was drawn her way, I discreetly manoeuvred elsewhere. Worked well & no issues arising.

Tell them they're both invited and to please be consiserate that it isn't their event to spoil. Then invite. Keep a close eye, and if one starts something then you know who to leave off the wedding invite.

Sadly we have heard all about it from both sides ad nauseum, we refuse to engage with it any more.
The 'very good' reasons are that one side are incredibly selfish and the other very sensitive and prone to over-react. The selfish side think they are entirely innocent and will probably cause a scene declaring as much and the sensitive ones will massively over-react.
Now that I write it down I feel inclined to invite neither of them...

It's your event. If past experience shows that they cannot behave like adults, don't invite either. If they have proven that they can ignore for a few hours, then go ahead and invite both. I would not get involved in warning them. Only tell them the other is invited if asked directly. You're not conducting hostage negotiations - you are inviting them to an event.

I'd invite them and tell them to only come if they can be civil.

Just saw your last post.
Changed my mind. Fuck em

I attended an overseas wedding at which the groom’s identical twin brothers managed to avoid each other without any drama. Apparently they had been NC for many years, attended all sorts of family events and had it all down to a fine art.

If you're brave enough, do it! My mother isn't speaking to me atm and I would like if other family members got involved (too much to ask, I know) but everybody just accepts that my mother isn't speaking to me and that she invites my kids places (and they go) and I get excluded by the whole family. I know it's always a different set of circumstances. But now we have just settled in to this.

If they won't behave , then don't invite either of them, and tell them the reason why.

If you don’t particularly like them don’t invite?! Fixed!