AIBU to invite family members that don't speak to each other to an event

[Woodandsky]

Trying not to be too outing here but we have family members that haven't spoken for quite few years. DH and I have sympathies on both sides so have tried to remain neutral and keep contact going both ways which has been incredibly difficult but so far we've managed it.

I'm worried what will happen when big wedding / funeral level events come along that ordinarily both would be invited to, how do we choose who to invite?

We have a low key event coming up which will be the first test, but not really a huge problem if neither of them come like a wedding or funeral would be. Hard to find a way out without making it look like we've chosen sides.

Mumsnetters often seem to recommend going NC with difficult members, I'm not sure they consider the impact on the wider family.

So for the upcoming event (and any future weddings etc) AIBU to invite all of them & expect them to just stay away from each other without making a scene?

Sadly they are both close family so it's not really an option

Honestly it is not up to you to monitor how they behave or manage how they behave. You have your event. You invite them (or not) then you leave them to it. You do not have to referee. Don't tiptoe around their bullshit.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Both of them should be invited

The two NC individuals and anyone else in the family who has "taken sides" should be told

"Both X and Y are invited to this event solely on the condition of maintaining civilised behaviour and not spoiling the event by bringing any kind of strife along. Anyone who isn't capable of being civil to any person who has taken the other side of that conflict is kindly asked to please stay away. We sincerely hope that we can all set a good example as grownups to focus on the actual celebration of the event without stirring up drama."

I will be in a similar situation soon
i hope to remain polite, and leave before any heavy drinking.
i would assume my family members will do the same, and behave.

Depends on the event.
So, I wouldn't invite them to dinner together - too close and undiluted, but at something like a wedding, I would presume there would be enough other people there that they don't need to sit with each other or even talk to each other and the rest of the event can carry on without other people being aware they aren't speaking. Funerals are invitation events anyway - people can turn up or not as they want to.
If I were having a smallish 'do' at home, I wouldn't invite them together.
Depends a bit on your relationship to them as well - for example if it is your parents and your parents in law, then you can still see each set without involving the other, and then if there were something (like a child's birthday party) they might want to all be at, I'd make it very clear it was the child's 'day' and they were only invited if they could behave in a civil, adult way. If they didn't, I'd explain very clearly why they weren't invited next time.

I would just ask each of them how they would feel about attending and if they felt they could be civil for your sake. If they don't want to come that's up to them and if they don't feel they can be civil don't invite them (even if the other isn't coming either).

I invited my grandmother and an aunt (who had been NC with each other for over a decade) to my wedding and there were no problems at all. They just politely ignored each other. My aunt was concerned that it might be an attempt at a reconciliation, but after I reassured her I wanted her at my wedding for me she was happy to come along. My Grandmother said it wasn't a problem. There were no scenes and no awkward moments (At least, not between them!). Obviously I didn't do anything goady like seat them next to each other or try and get them to pose together for photos.

Sorry, just realised you're talking about inviting them to a dinner party, not a wedding and that one side is likely to kick off. I probably wouldn't invite either. I think if you have close family like that you have to accept that you can't have intimate all family gatherings. Do something different. Make it more about close friends than family or do things separately, or hold a larger bash you can invite them to instead.

I’m NC with two people. So my view from the other side. Mine reason was fairly clear cut abuse so may be a different story.
For smaller events I prefer it if I'm asked before and no pressure if I don’t want to attend. I avoid smaller events entirely for one but not the other.
For larger events I’d probably still want a pre warning but would go and mentally prepare myself and let anyone I'm going with know to help me avoid them.
I think if you speak to them first and either kick up a fuss just about inviting the other person then you can fairly safely uninvite them. Like oh if you uninvite them I’d come or how could you invite them.

My DH doesn’t speak to his dad or brother, hasn’t for years.
They just avoid/ignore each other at events, never been an issue.

I would invite them but be clear you expect no conflict. If either cause issue it's their last invite.

It's not anything as serious as abuse
How do you know that? I am NC with a family member that raped me. People know that I have nothing whatsoever to do with him, nobody knows the reason why.

I think it is an option to invite neither, painful as that might be.

I think you can invite both, just don't expect both to show up? My MiL went no contact with her sister (DH's aunt) 15 years ago and this translated to DH and his siblings being banned from seeing their own cousins and having anything to do with them. Now that the cousins are adults they've started to reconnect and DH has seen his aunt again recently for the first time since MiL broke contact. I won't lie, this didn't go down well at all with my MiL and although I get she acted out of hurt she was quite emotionally manipulative about the whole thing. Mil's mother is still alive but very elderly and I'm mindful that we are likely to have a very uncomfortable situation when the time comes for funeral planning. (Both MiL and the cut off aunt live less than 5 miles away from eachother and are both actively involved in their mum's care, just separately. I find it so sad as DH's grandma often tells me she jusy wishes her DDs would reconcile, but my MiL is too stubborn).

Families are hard sometimes, huh! Hope yours find a way to behave adultly and not ruin family events going forward.

Invite everyone - make sure x knows y is also invited and vice versa and let them make their own decisions.

I am NC with my dads family yet my sister sees them regularly. I still get invited to events, I just politely decline.