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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For parents to assume I’ll drive them everywhere

69 replies

Bellex · 05/05/2022 14:01

I don’t drink and haven’t for 6 year out of choice. My parents and their friends take this as I want to drive them everywhere.

After the first lockdown they had me every week drive them to their friends house which is an hour each way to take them and pick them up. This constantly impede on my plans but they’d get me to commit to early on in the month I couldn’t back out. After the 6th trip I’d had enough due to waiting for 30-60 mins for them to actually leave the house to get in the car.

My refusal ended up in massive argument and their friends telling me I was terrible daughter.

Fast forward in a few weeks my brother has a sporting event that all of our family are watching plus his friends. I know some other people going and was planning on going out after it. My mum has informed me that I now taking her, my dad plus two others their and back as she didn’t think I’d mind.

I’m quite annoyed about this and we’ve now had another argument which she has concluded I’m kicking off and being difficult about everything and she doesn’t get the issue. Currently we having a lot of arguments about the lack of boundaries and assumptions she constantly makes.

OP posts:
chubbachub · 05/05/2022 21:29

CorsicaDreaming · 05/05/2022 14:09

"Oh no, I'm sorry, I've already made plans for after the do and I'm afraid I won't be able to transport you back."

"Sorry, no, it's already arranged."

"Look, I'm sorry but I can't."

End of.

Fair enough to help people out and support parents when you can but unless there is a big back story to this, they are taking the piss

And taking you for granted if they then make you wait around for over half hour / hour when you drive to especially pick them up...

Kids do this to parents all the time though 🤣

This is too many "sorry's"

Just tell her you do mind and she should ask beforehand, not just tell you.

Chocoqueen · 05/05/2022 21:44

If they don't listen to you could you drive them all there, then when they're ready to leave just say 'oh, I told you I'm not going back until later, so assumed you'd made other plans. I'll meet you back here at 10pm/2am or you can make your own way home.'

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 05/05/2022 21:57

As others have said OP £650 a month is taking the piss, and as for your parents friends texting you to tell you how unreasonable you're being, I would be fuming, and text back, telling them that as you're so unreasonable they won't be wanting any further lifts from you, will they? Talk about CF's!!

billy1966 · 05/05/2022 22:03

Can you look for a short term room lodging, surely for 650 you could find somewhere.

OP, your mother sounds awful.

Block the numbers of her friends.

I would be looking to move out and put real solid distance between you.

If you have had a lifetime of this, consider counselling, because you need to step away from them.

Mum5net · 05/05/2022 22:10

Don’t give her the address of your new home and definitely under no circumstances, ever give her a key.

1FootInTheRave · 05/05/2022 22:14

They are absolutely ripping the piss out of you.

Taxi driver on demand and paying 650 a month.

Your parents are horrible.

Theluggagerules · 05/05/2022 22:20

Depending on where you are would an air b&b not be a better idea than staying with people who are not respecting your boundaries?

Thinkingblonde · 05/05/2022 22:21

Say you’ll drive them there but they’ll have to organise and club together for a mini bus back as you’ve made plans for afterwards. In fact a mini bus there and back would be even better.
Text the friends back and tell them to keep their noses out, it’s none of their business.

Fraaahnces · 05/05/2022 22:23

Your mum shouldn’t be volunteering your time and services like that.That’s so disrespectful!!! You are not “the staff”. Your parents are using your sobriety to gain favour in their social group by volunteering you. I bet they these friends are hearing about “all the things your parents do for you”, but not that you are paying a lot to stay there.. I think if your parent’s friends tell you that you’re a bad person again, point out that you are not living there rent free (unlike brother, probably) and that you are not going to continue to pay £650 to be treated like an unpaid chauffeur and abused. Tell them to their faces that their behaviour is out of line and that there will be no lifts again. Ever.
Stand up to these bullies.

AnotherAnxiousMess · 05/05/2022 22:39

If they’re expecting you to drive them around that frequently and that far, I’d be expecting a massive reduction in the £650 board… that’s ridiculous. If not, then give them a number for a taxi. I’m wondering though, have they supported you financially at all? Is that why they’re expecting so much back from you?

Original poster
Bellex · 05/05/2022 22:55

AnotherAnxiousMess · 05/05/2022 22:39

If they’re expecting you to drive them around that frequently and that far, I’d be expecting a massive reduction in the £650 board… that’s ridiculous. If not, then give them a number for a taxi. I’m wondering though, have they supported you financially at all? Is that why they’re expecting so much back from you?

Used some bonds that I believe were mine anyways as I had to sign to release the money for a car.

At uni it was expected I financed myself even though they could of afford to help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellex · 05/05/2022 22:56

Fraaahnces · 05/05/2022 22:23

Your mum shouldn’t be volunteering your time and services like that.That’s so disrespectful!!! You are not “the staff”. Your parents are using your sobriety to gain favour in their social group by volunteering you. I bet they these friends are hearing about “all the things your parents do for you”, but not that you are paying a lot to stay there.. I think if your parent’s friends tell you that you’re a bad person again, point out that you are not living there rent free (unlike brother, probably) and that you are not going to continue to pay £650 to be treated like an unpaid chauffeur and abused. Tell them to their faces that their behaviour is out of line and that there will be no lifts again. Ever.
Stand up to these bullies.

My mum doesn’t want me to be ‘rude’ to her friends.

Ive spoken to my Auntie and she’s going to drive instead so I can do my own thing

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2022 22:59

My mums friends have text me to let me know how unreasonable I’m being

They did what?!

Kite22 · 05/05/2022 23:00

YANBU to say no.

YWBU to let them take advantage in the first place

They ABVU to think they can dictate who you give lifts to

They ABU to assume you will be available at their beck and call

They ABVU to charge you £650 to live there with them. (though it clearly gives them plenty of disposable income for taxis)

How come neither of them drive ?
I'm going to presume they aren't in their 9-s if you and your db are 27 and 22.

TokyoTen · 05/05/2022 23:17

I dont want to derail your thread but who on earth charges their DC 650 a month?!

Ottersmith · 05/05/2022 23:29

Surely an Airbnb would be cheaper??

knowinglesseveryday · 05/05/2022 23:34

This is entirely your own fault. You need to develop some boundaries and learn to say no. Practice that.

missnevermind · 05/05/2022 23:41

I know it's sorted now but try charging them.
£50 per person per journey so £400 for this one and tell her not to worry you will just knock it off the rent 😀

runnerswimmer · 06/05/2022 00:05

This is ridiculous, it might be acceptable if it was only occasionally but you are being used as a gorified taxi driver and at the price you are paying for rent I would be very reluctant to give them favours.

If you dont drink you are automatic sober driver, I lived at home when I was studying postgrad, so I was often the sober driver for my mates but it was on my way home. However, my mum occasionally went out for drinks with a couple of friends, I would pick her up (she raised me as a solo mum and lived rural so she could never drink much, hence I didnt mind at all) and one of her friends would automatically think I would drive her home despite living in the opposite direction. It really did my head in.

Aghh · 06/05/2022 00:19

This could absolutely be my mother!
It could also be her friends.

Once, they went on holiday and it was arranged I was driving them to the airport at some ungodly hour with my small DD in tow, and I was guilted into agreeing to it. (And dog/house sitting).
I was adamant I was t collecting them too. No way, it’s down to the friend to arrange.

Guess what……

I have more of a backbone these days. I’d still have the dog though but nothing else.

As a footnote, I needed the opticians this week for drops so I couldn’t drive. I literally had no one to ask.

whydoesthedog · 06/05/2022 04:57

I hope you told her friends to do one. Why do they even have your number? I don't think I have a single number of my mums friends.
Can you find somewhere to stay as a lodger? They're taking the absolute piss.

PinkSyCo · 06/05/2022 05:04

Your parents are cheeky fuckers and their friends are rude. Do not worry about their opinions and just say no.

Ferngreen · 06/05/2022 05:39

There's no need to debate how much rent you pay etc etc . Someone's asking you to do something you do not want to and you are entitled to say no.

mathanxiety · 06/05/2022 06:00

She’s still giving me grief about how unreasonable I am and never consider others

And....?

You need to learn the fine art of shrugging, and also blocking the numbers of your parents' friends.

Why do your mum's friends have your number in the first place?

And have you looked into subletting or just lodging somewhere?

Choufleurfromage · 06/05/2022 07:40

Bellex · 05/05/2022 20:19

650 is just for living her and some food when she fancies it. It’s not worth the hassle of the argument.

Parents and friends all drive they just want to drink.

My mums friends have text me to let me know how unreasonable I’m being 🙄

Text your mother's friends back and tell them to take a long walk offca short cliff and keep their opinions to them selves. Then, if you can cope with not going to this event, rake yourself off to a hotel/airbnb for a couple of days to avoid beib coerced into being a taxi service