Refuse help from DPs family?

[charlottecruz]

DP and I have a 15 week old, two weeks until he's 4 months, which with the consent of our GP and health visitors we'll start weaning then. AIBU for not wanting to hear help from DPs family and am i being petty for holding a grudge against what was said?

DP has a cousin who has an 18 month old, so she believes she's an expert on babies and how they should/shouldn't be raised. She has a tendency of calling us out on things that aren't her concern, such as it being "too early" to start weaning. "it's not good for them to be on their tummy at that age, it's not safe for them" (DS is ALWAYS supervised when he's tummy down, but we noticed it helped with his colic so allowed him to have some tummy down sleeping, ALWAYS SUPERVISED).

the last straw happened recently when LO was admitted into hospital for a couple of nights where we stayed due to him having a bacterial infection, and once we returned home, after nights of me worrying (as it was hard to locate the source of infection, and for a couple of days i was left not knowing what was going on, naturally stressing and thinking the worst) she decided it was a good idea to have a parenting lesson on DP and i. "there are things done to prevent these issues" "yes, children, especially babies are constantly sick, but we need to be extra careful in certain situations so these things don't happen". I was livid with the insinuation that DP and I aren't careful with our DS and that had we been more "careful" this wouldn't have happened. I'm very careful with avoiding public transport/going to public places, whenever i do take LO out it's for a walk in fresh air.

we had covid a couple weeks ago, and doctors think the covid could've led to this infection, although it's not 100% certain, so we remain not knowing what caused it.

she constantly gives clothes that no longer fit her baby, and sends everything she can to us, so i feel it's wrong for me to feel a little resentment towards her. but i've started having serious moments of getting irritated when she speaks. prior to me having DS, during my pregnancy she was the same always saying what I could or couldn't eat, how much, and MIL would always compare me to her. how during her nieces (DP cousin) pregnancy this is what she did and i should follow in her footsteps), maybes it's accumulated over the months, but i can't help it!

she keeps trying to give advice on what we should and shouldn't start weaning our son with, and trying to help us in his journey and i just don't want to hear it anymore. AIBU for feeling this way?

Life as a parent is lots of unsolicited advice. You need to just let it wash over you.
And yes 4 months is too early to wean unless medically advised.

She is trying to help you. You seem ungrateful. Get over yourself and talk to your family.

Goodness sake, just look at her and every so often say ‘Hmm, I know’, ‘Hmm, yeah’ etc. Really though just tune out and think about stuff you need to organise. I take these opportunities to meal plan in my head so I just see a mouth moving if anything but no idea what is being said but it doesn’t annoy me. Your eyes, brain and mouth learn to cooperate, saying these stock phrases at intervals or when there is a silence without you having to listen or think to do so.

And yes, 4 months is too early to wean. Why do you feel the need to rush? They get most of their nutrients from milk anyhow and it’s far less messy.

GPs and HVs are not qualified to be recommending weaning at this age - they know this. I have heard of lots of paediatrician recommending weaning at from months in exceptional circumstances but never earlier. Usually it’s with when they have allergies which have caused weight to stall or feeding aversions which have resulted in fitting a feeding tube. If you are weaning early you should be doing it under the guidance of a paediatric dietitian - has your GP referred you and I’m guessing you also needs a peads referral for whatever the issue is. I’m really not surprised they are raising concerns. If you want to go down a route which is against NHS and WHO advice without getting appropriate medical advice then I think you need to say to the cousin that you are happy to accept the risks and won’t discuss it any further.

If you don’t want the clothes just say thanks for the clothes so far but we don’t need anymore.

She's absolutely right though, 4 months is too early.

You will come across unsolicited and unasked for advise for the next 20 odd years. Just smile and nod. It's really not worth falling out with family over

Unsolicited advice comes with the territory of being a parent. Just nod and say yes. Off topic, but why do you want to wean your baby so early?

Of course you are not.
She sounds like a complete PITA.

There is nothing more annoying than a know it all, shoving their wholly unasked for, unwanted opinions on you.

First off decide if the clothes are worth it?
If you can, refuse them.

Tell your DP you do not wish to hear her views on ANYTHING.

Block her number and tell your MIL you do not wish to see or hear from this relative.

Tell them YOU have taken HUGE offence at her rudeness over your baby's illness and will no longer tolerate her unasked for opinions.

Obviously this is the nuclear option but then I really wouldn't have tolerated this for as long as you had.

Taking HUGE offence is the way to kill this.

You have my sympathy.

Hopefully someone with more patience will post a more reasonable response than mine!

🤣

If you don’t want her old clothes just say no thanks. Life is full of people telling you what they did better, if you feel she’s over reaching tell her you’re making your own decisions and don’t need advice. But I’m with her on weaning and if and she and your PIL both have concerns about your parenting is it worth considering why? Are you lacking confidence or doing a lot of things that go against general guidelines?

Shes right but it's annoying to hear it!

Stop sharing so much information with them.

Why di you want to wean yout baby at 4 months, it is early? Your choice though.

I think most people who give this kind of advice believe they're helping despite the fact it's rarely useful and mostly infuriating. They've forgotten that everyone did it to them and how they felt. Also much of what she's 'criticized' is slightly contentious parenting, things not every other parent would do normally, this doesn't make it wrong (I was apparently a tummy loving baby) but it does mean more people than normal will have an opinion.

It does sound like there's some over sharing going on though. She seems to know a lot about your day to day life. Stop sharing as much about your baby with people who give advice (or will tell others), if any of this advice is in group chats etc just ignore and move on. It sounds like everyone is slightly too on top of each other right now and some clearer boundaries need to be set.

That's life as a parent I'm afraid- particularly if it's not the first grandchild.
4 months is too early to wean though.

I have been allowed to wean from 4 months by health visitors and our GP (doctor and nurse) because of LOs reflux and spitting out the milk. We have changed milk 5 times, and when we found a milk he didn't have reflux with, it left him constipated so we're following medical advice to try wean him once every two days and go from there.

So then don’t discuss it with them. I’m sure you can slip your baby some mashed up veg without anyone knowing. You know people will disagree, you won’t get them to agree by repeating yourself, so don’t bring it up. No one asked me if I was putting DD on solids at 4 months. I wasn’t, it’s against current advice, so it wasn’t a thing anyone talked about.

Why does anyone know about the tummy sleeping? You can’t stop people from commenting if what you do is against advice so don’t tell them. Again, not something anyone ever asked me about.

When I had my first the advice was to start solids at six weeks, then it went to 3 months, when my GC came along it was six months. When I had mine it was sleep them on their back, then niece came along and it was sleep them on their front, then my youngest came along and it was sleep them on their back.

Guidelines can be useful but a bit of flexibility won't be the end of the world. I do remember a little smile when DDIL said she was introducing solids next Wednesday as DGS would be precisely six months that day. I'm not sure what horrors might have descended if he'd had something on the Tuesday.

OP either tune her out or block her. Life's too short.

Your GP is giving you awful advice. Did they offer meds to deal with the constipation? As a fellow parent of children with allergies my advice is to go back to the doctor and ask for a referral to a paediatric dietitian. If your little one isn’t following their weight line in their red book you also need a referral to a paediatrician, I would be asking for one anyway.

Has the reflux stayed the same, improved or got worse? i’m assuming you’ve done all the feeding upright, different bottles, paced feeding with winding in between, offering small and often milk and holding them upright for 30 mins after every feee. The reflux be development, physical or caused by allergies. If you have a child with allergies then you need advice before weaning. There is no reason to believe giving food will stop the reflux if you don’t get to the bottom of why it’s happening.

Yabu - 4 months IS too early. I don’t blame her for speaking up!

Don’t even start the conversation. Don’t tell them anything, because when you do you’re inviting an opinion.
Shut down any conversation about these things and refuse all hand me downs.
Stand firm.

I don't tend to talk about what i do/don't with my DS, my DP is very open and when asked by MIL he answers, he doesn't see the harm in sharing details; but i'm afraid i'm going to have to have a word with him, because it's getting a bit much getting so many unsolicited opinions, especially when his DM likes to share these facts with the rest of her family, which she doesn't do out of spite (let me just say, she's lovely). but it makes it so everyone knows our business and everyone wants an opinion on it. I have to tell DP either he stops telling his DM everything, or has a word with her to stop over sharing.

Good grief, this is horrible advice.

She isn’t over sharing, she’s being asked her opinion.

Her son is a new dad, he’s asking her advice and she’s giving it. That’s pretty normal.

You don’t have to agree with what she says but you can’t blame her for what she’s saying. She’s not calling you a shit mum is she, she’s presumably up to date on current advice because of the cousin having an older baby and knows - from what her son says - that you’re not following it.

You need to grow a thicker skin. You can’t really stop him from chatting to his parents if he has questions so if you don’t like the answers just shrug it off. If my husband had ordered me to stop discussing our baby with my mum I’ve have told him to piss off and carried on doing it anyway.

He didn’t, he appreciates her respectful advice and care of our child.

Unsolicited advice is unavoidable, everyone had an opinion (and you know the old saying). Just stop sharing information with them, smile and nod then forget whatever they've said if you don't want their advice.

If your ds is not gaining weight or not following his curve then you should have been referred to a specialist not told to wean as it is unlikely to solve the problem. Constipation can be treated much more effectively than introducing solids and if your ds is struggling definitely push for better care for him. Reflux/colic can be awful and it's understandable you'd try anything (I've been there, my ff baby had awful reflux that took months to diagnose).

Yes, advice changes but for a good reason. Research is done and advice is updated based on the evidence available. People do tend to have extreme views that are usually 'oh I weaned by babies from x weeks and they are fine! Ignore it all!' and 'no solids at all before exactly 6 months and if the baby doesn't have solids on the exact day they are 6 months it's a disaster'... neither are helpful. you know what's best for your baby, but do base than on genuine research and advice from specialists and experts.

Re the infection. It happens, and babies immune systems are less developed than adults. Are you generally quite anxious? Avoiding public transport and only taking ds on walks outside is extreme, I understand thoughtless comments having an impact if you have underlying anxiety anyway.

You either suck it up and ignore her or you tell her you do not need her advice. You will listen to this from various people for a few years to come. I chose to ignore most of the time but sometimes would argue back. It does get better as they get older.