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Original poster

To be shocked by this level of vitriol?

30 replies

Bagoshite · 04/05/2022 23:35

Sorry I'm not usually such a prolific poster but this is my 3rd thread in 3 days.

My partner and I had words at the start of the week. In the course of that discussion he let slip he'd been in contact with a woman he previously shagged behind my back 3 years ago (she told me at the time, it was all horrible, she was vile to me but eventually I forgave him and we moved on). I said that was unacceptable, he disagrees. I ended up leaving and returning home.

He asked to speak to me tonight. He started the conversation by saying he had 'nothing to apologise for' as he'd done nothing wrong. He accused me of abusing and controlling him, screamed and ranted at me and threw things around (video call). He ended up saying it was my fault he had an affair as he felt unwanted and he was feeling like that again so that's why he responded to one of her messages. Starting from 6 months ago (when we were absolutely fine and really happy actually).

I'm actually astonished that a man I've been in a relationship with for a decade almost can have spoken to me like this, telling me it was all my fault. I actually feel quite shaken by it, and I'm not a delicate flower but my chest hurts (I think it's anxiety)

I get I could've done better generally in our relationship, but none of that justifies this does it? I'm pretty sure the answer is no but after being shouted at by someone who until a few days ago was my best friend and life partner, who is meant to always support me, I kind of need someone to tell me 😔

I just can't get over how aggressive and angry he was, and not apologetic in the slightest.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 23:42

A responsible adult, when feeling unwanted in their relationship, doesn't have an affair and blame it on their partner. That's the behaviour of a stroppy child who refuses to take responsibility.

So, even if you did make him feel unwanted (there's no wonder you didn't want him if this is the sort of attitude he has), he had plenty of other ways of dealing with it like an adult.

Whatever he's done, and however he's spoken to you, it's all on him. None of it is your responsibility. At every turn, he could have chosen to have a conversation with you, and didn't.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 05/05/2022 00:01

Thank you.

He didn't get it, at all. Didn't get why speaking to her was wrong. I'm controlling him etc.

I thought he might apologise, even one of those I'm sorry you feel like that apologies, which aren't real apologies but no, he thinks he's right and I'm completely wrong.

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 05/05/2022 00:06

He showed you he had zero respect for your 3 years ago.

Show yourself the respect you deserve this time to leave for good. Flowers

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 05/05/2022 00:10

He knows he's in the wrong and it's all designed to shift the blame off him and on to you. God forbid his guilty conscience should be his to deal with.
Flowers

candlemaker22 · 05/05/2022 00:12

Have you seen the messages? Sounds like he's got a guilty conscience to me. I

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2022 00:15

"He didn't get it, at all. Didn't get why speaking to her was wrong. I'm controlling him etc."

It's a script that they all come out with. He hasn't been your best friend for quite a while. Your relationship is over. He's going to cheat again and is getting aggressive because he feels entitled to.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 05/05/2022 00:19

We are completely done this time. Last time I thought he deserved a second chance. He was relatively contrite, agreed she'd behaved appallingly to me, willingly blocked her on everything.

And now apparently they've been messaging for months. About as long as things haven't been great between us, coincidentally. But it's all fine because she's got a boyfriend apparently. Given what she told me 3 years ago (before I told her I'd call the police if she ever contacted me again) about the 100s of men she's shagged, how she goes to sex parties, swinging and all sorts, the 'boyfriend' if he even exists is probably encouraging it. Ugh, how fucking tawdry it all is.

I just feel sad about his mum. She died not long after all this happened originally and was so pleased we were back together before she passed. That said, I don't think she could excuse how he's behaved now or how he spoke to me tonight, he was absolutely raging. It was quite scary the sheer level of anger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bagoshite · 05/05/2022 00:27

I've not seen the messages nor would I want to.

At first he said she messaged him but he didn't reply.
Then he said he messaged her about us, as he has no other friends.

I pointed out the inconsistency in those 2 comments.

He then said he'd replied to her as no one cares about him or asks how he is, she's the only person who showed an interest. No one cares if he lives or dies etc.

Then he said her friend contacted him asking for her number. (Wtf?) Then that she messaged him asking why he'd called her.
Then he said they 'chat' on WhatsApp she asks how he is and he tells her his relationship is shit as she predicted it would be by now.

Every time I picked a hole in that fucking tissue of lies he got all defensive, because most of it is bollocks. He can't cope with me spotting the obvious flaws in his story, even though they're blatantly obvious.

OP posts:
WeasilyPleased · 05/05/2022 00:38

Get rid. Ain't nobody got time for that shenanigans.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 05/05/2022 00:50

I have. It's done. We live separately. I took all my stuff when I left the other day.

I've been thinking. The real origins to all this were nearly 4 years ago. We argued, over something trivial I think (I'm sure he would say not remembering the argument is me not caring) and he completely flew off the handle. He ended up phoning me telling me he was going to kill himself, and then hung up.

I was distraught, phoned him repeatedly, drove round looking for him or his car (he lived near me then). Eventually after about 40 mins he answered, I was sobbing, I'd spent every one of those 40 mins thinking he was dead and it was my fault.

Afterwards he never apologised for what he put me through. I said I really needed him to get counselling. He said he would, but never did. He never threatened it again, but not long after was when he first joined sex sites looking for women where he eventually met the one he had an affair with. I do wonder if it's all linked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bagoshite · 05/05/2022 07:37

Having now slept on it, I'm still shocked by the level of anger he showed.

I think he expected that I'd apologise. And calling me an abuser? He's really sunk to her level.

Nothing excuses or justifies his behaviour in contacting her, nor in how he spoke to me yesterday.

OP posts:
SouperNoodle · 05/05/2022 07:55

He's planning on/already cheating again and turning it on you to make you second guess yourself. It's the classic script. Next he'll be saying that you're psycho and need therapy.

I reserve these for special occasions - LTB

Original poster
Bagoshite · 05/05/2022 08:03

3 days ago I was the one person he said he could rely on. The only one he felt happy and content with. Life feels more normal when I'm with him, that's what he always says.

And now I'm a crazy domestic abuser who treats him terribly and doesn't care about him at all.

I'm not crazy. But that abrupt volte face is.

OP posts:
minmooch · 05/05/2022 12:53

Stop focusing on the other woman - she owes you nothing. You have a boyfriend problem. As you don't live with him you can easily end this. You deserve better than a lying cheating man.

And no not everyone deserves a second chance when that level of cheating is involved. You should never have got back together.

ButtOutBobsMum · 05/05/2022 13:21

It sounds like he's using that age old tactic-attack is the best form of defence. Good for you for not falling for it OP and walking away.

Howaboutnope · 05/05/2022 13:23

DowntonCrabby · 05/05/2022 00:06

He showed you he had zero respect for your 3 years ago.

Show yourself the respect you deserve this time to leave for good. Flowers

All of this. You've wasted nearly a decade, don't make it 2.

Hoppinggreen · 05/05/2022 13:23

Bagoshite · 04/05/2022 23:35

Sorry I'm not usually such a prolific poster but this is my 3rd thread in 3 days.

My partner and I had words at the start of the week. In the course of that discussion he let slip he'd been in contact with a woman he previously shagged behind my back 3 years ago (she told me at the time, it was all horrible, she was vile to me but eventually I forgave him and we moved on). I said that was unacceptable, he disagrees. I ended up leaving and returning home.

He asked to speak to me tonight. He started the conversation by saying he had 'nothing to apologise for' as he'd done nothing wrong. He accused me of abusing and controlling him, screamed and ranted at me and threw things around (video call). He ended up saying it was my fault he had an affair as he felt unwanted and he was feeling like that again so that's why he responded to one of her messages. Starting from 6 months ago (when we were absolutely fine and really happy actually).

I'm actually astonished that a man I've been in a relationship with for a decade almost can have spoken to me like this, telling me it was all my fault. I actually feel quite shaken by it, and I'm not a delicate flower but my chest hurts (I think it's anxiety)

I get I could've done better generally in our relationship, but none of that justifies this does it? I'm pretty sure the answer is no but after being shouted at by someone who until a few days ago was my best friend and life partner, who is meant to always support me, I kind of need someone to tell me 😔

I just can't get over how aggressive and angry he was, and not apologetic in the slightest.

Given that he had an affair 3 years ago I am not sure how he was your best friend and life partner until a few days ago
He keeps showing you what a shit he is - when will you start believing him?

MatildaTheCat · 05/05/2022 13:26

He sounds as insane as the OW. Good luck to them both.

well done on ditching him.

LaBellina · 05/05/2022 13:30

He’s gaslighting you. Projecting and blaming you for his mistakes on you is classic abuser behavior to confuse you and shift attention away from how appallingly he treats you. Tbh you should have binned him 3 years ago after you found out about his affair, but I understand that after so many years together it’s hard not to give a second chance. That’s he’s throwing that in your face now by saying it was your fault he had an affair and he has been in touch with her again is something I would find unforgivable. He’s SO disrespectful to you that I see no future.

MarJau26 · 05/05/2022 13:34

Sorry you have to deal with this op. well now you know you should have left 3 years ago. It seems like the relationship is toxic and separating is the only option.

Bimster · 05/05/2022 13:38

Cognitive dissonance-he can’t reconcile his idea of himself as a good guy with his love rat cock-witted behaviour, and so he tells himself that it’s actually been caused by an external factor, ie you.

The best time to have thrown this man in the bin was 3 years ago. The second best time is now.

Original poster
Bagoshite · 05/05/2022 14:44

Bimster · 05/05/2022 13:38

Cognitive dissonance-he can’t reconcile his idea of himself as a good guy with his love rat cock-witted behaviour, and so he tells himself that it’s actually been caused by an external factor, ie you.

The best time to have thrown this man in the bin was 3 years ago. The second best time is now.

Oh, we're well and truly done. He's blocked on everything, I took all my stuff from his when I left earlier in the week. The only point in speaking to him (for a final time) yesterday was because I thought he might want to apologise (haha) and to try and end things on a reasonably polite note.

I'm just staggered that after giving him 100% of my support and time for all these years, his response is to have a toddler tantrum. Basically because he wasn't getting his own way.

I'm not even sad, because his behaviour was not that of someone I want to know in any capacity, let alone have a relationship with, and so there's no doubt in my mind that cutting all contact with him is exactly the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 05/05/2022 16:03

when we were absolutely fine and really happy actually

Because you were being really careful not to do anything that might upset him?

Chinuplippyon · 05/05/2022 16:08

What a total idiot. Happy to let her take the flak last time as well in nodding happily along about her behaviour. Even the thickest of the thick would know that she was the least appropriate person in the world to discuss your relationship with so I'm glad you've chosen not to listen to his worthless excuses.

Imissmoominmama · 05/05/2022 16:11

He sounds vile. I hope life takes a wonderful turn for you now you’ve left him.