To be shocked by this level of vitriol?

[Bagoshite]

Sorry I'm not usually such a prolific poster but this is my 3rd thread in 3 days.

My partner and I had words at the start of the week. In the course of that discussion he let slip he'd been in contact with a woman he previously shagged behind my back 3 years ago (she told me at the time, it was all horrible, she was vile to me but eventually I forgave him and we moved on). I said that was unacceptable, he disagrees. I ended up leaving and returning home.

He asked to speak to me tonight. He started the conversation by saying he had 'nothing to apologise for' as he'd done nothing wrong. He accused me of abusing and controlling him, screamed and ranted at me and threw things around (video call). He ended up saying it was my fault he had an affair as he felt unwanted and he was feeling like that again so that's why he responded to one of her messages. Starting from 6 months ago (when we were absolutely fine and really happy actually).

I'm actually astonished that a man I've been in a relationship with for a decade almost can have spoken to me like this, telling me it was all my fault. I actually feel quite shaken by it, and I'm not a delicate flower but my chest hurts (I think it's anxiety)

I get I could've done better generally in our relationship, but none of that justifies this does it? I'm pretty sure the answer is no but after being shouted at by someone who until a few days ago was my best friend and life partner, who is meant to always support me, I kind of need someone to tell me 😔

I just can't get over how aggressive and angry he was, and not apologetic in the slightest.

He does sound ghastly; manipulative and self-serving in the extreme…and no responsibility taken at all.

Not partner material.

The only flak she took from me was in relation to her own actions in harassing me and being downright unpleasant to me. Although going onto a sex site and shagging 100s of (not single) men is pretty grim. But all the more reason once we had got shot of her finally, to not allow her back into our lives again. I remember him saying once she'd stopped contacting us both - thank god I've now got shot of her, I am NEVER speaking to her again, and how appalled he was that not only had she continued to harass him, she'd done it to me too.

And now? Oh, he decided to forgive her, it was a long time ago (!). Bollocks to that - some things aren't forgivable. As I pointed out to him, the peak of her harassment of us both was when his mother was terminally ill - as she well knew. To choose to forget that now, he's a total fuckwit.

But at least I know now, not in weeks or months hence.

And even if - and this wouldn't happen - even if in a few months he apologises (he won't), says he was wrong (he won't), and says let's get married (he used to say that a lot, 'when we get married'. That stopped, somewhere along the line. No biggie, as I didn't particularly want to get married, but I did notice the change) I'd tell him to fuck off. Because you can't undo this stuff. I worked really hard at trusting him for 3 years, and I pretty much did. Only to find out that he'd lied to me for at least 6 months of that, and then blamed that act of lying, and what followed on me.

As a wise man (my dad) once said - albeit in relation to a different man - he's just not clever enough for me. If I was thick, I might not see through all of this, not spot all the different stories he comes up with to try and defend his behaviour. But I'm not, so - his loss ultimately. I will go on to better things, even if that is just being on my own. Better that than be stuck with a liar.

I found an old thread of mine from years ago, which was eye opening and a reminder of what he was really like.

It concerned an incident where he completely wrong footed me around us living together. When we first met I was happy to continue living alone with my children, but from very early on he was adamant he wanted us to live together and build a life, etc. I was willing to compromise on that, so after discussion we agreed a plan to cohabit 2-3 years from when we met.

Then 2 years in, he decided he didn't want to live with me for at least another 5 years, or more. And of course now 9 years on we still don't live together.

He did the same around marriage. I had no strong feelings, he was the opposite and said he intended to propose after 2 years. He never did, and after about 5 years together started saying he'd never wanted to remarry, and never would. In part he said that was because I didn't want to take his name.

On the thread I started back then, most people thought I was being unfair about living together. Only a few spotted my concern was really the goalpost shifting. He did it all along. It's helpful to remember that actually he always was a shitbag, just in different ways.

Well done for letting him go, don't wobble just move on for good this time.
Does he have keys to your home? You should probably change locks and maybe get a cheap Cctv camera hooked up to your phone for some reassurance and insurance if he or she even, comes round. Evidence for the police and then draw a line under the pair of idiots abs find a decent man

He doesn't have keys. And he lives 3+ hours away so it's unlikely he'd show up. Plus he's not the type to do anything that would require any effort. Far easier to sit at home ranting about how unfair life is and what a terrible person I am.

I predict that either I will never hear from him again, or I'll get something from him in about 6-12 months time, when he expects I will have calmed down