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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't stand friends child

40 replies

MangoJuice008 · 04/05/2022 21:25

This is an awkward one. I feel awful for even posting this.

I really like my friend however I find one her DC extremely difficult to bare.
They are only 3 - but when she brings them round. They constantly scream the whole time they are here - high pitch scream when they can't get what they want. It's that bad that I have a migraine after they leave.
They've broken things in my home, even when I've put them up high to toddler proof my home. They run around and open my fridge and help themselves to food mainly yogurt and spread yogurt into things.
Terrorise my animals and just generally run around screaming.

Now I'm not a monster which I'm sure some of you are thinking - I have DC one whom has SEN so I know not all behaviour can be helped.

But friend just simply makes excuses or laughs and says "yes we usually give in to stop them screaming." And has even told me other people have banned them coming to their home for similar reasons!
Is there any way I can ask friend not to bring them on future play dates? My DC are friends with their siblings so it makes it very difficult.
I'm just sick of my house being destroyed and having to go lie down in bed after they leave with a couple of codeine!
Or maybe it's just me now my DC are growing up I've forgotten what toddlers are like.
Would I be unreasonable in banning them?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 04/05/2022 21:29

The problem isn't the kid. It's your friend that's the issue.

I'd tell her that you'll visit her at her at hers or out. Or be more subtile and see her with no kids around. Like the bingo or something.

IncompleteSenten · 04/05/2022 21:31

Join the list of people who've banned them.
They clearly don't care otherwise they'd change their attitude and not act like it's a big joke.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/05/2022 21:34

Does she ever invite you to her house?

Id agree to meet at hers or out somewhere. Or if you still want to invite just the siblings to play with your kids say, would Jack and Harry like to come to play with George and Billy after school on Friday? I’ll feed them, can you collect at 6pm? If she says that she’ll come with 3 year old, say that won’t work for you and you’d better leave it.

Georgeskitchen · 04/05/2022 21:35

She needs to start making an effort to control her children's horrible behaviour . No wonder they've been banned from some homes.
You need to put your foot down

RoseLunarPink · 04/05/2022 21:35

Can you lock doors/the fridge or even stay in the garden or all meet up somewhere outdoors? And/or give the 3yo something interesting and indestructible to occupy them. (Not that this would necessarily work!)

I am also quite blunt so I would be saying something. "I want the DC to play and I want to see you but I'm getting a migraine every time and I can't have my house destroyed. We need a solution."

Screaming is one thing I cannot stand with kids and I will quite happily say firmly to someone else's DC that we don't scream in out house unless someone is hurt or it's an emergency - if their own parent won't.

It's not a bad thing if she sees that her letting her child get their way by screaming is not going down well with other people.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 04/05/2022 21:35

Just meet up away from your home. Tell her the ndn keep complaining after they have left!

BettyNotVeronica · 04/05/2022 21:37

I have friends whose kids I don't like. One I just cut off completely because her children can do no wrong. My closest one - At our last play date I said our kids don't really get along do they? She agreed so now we meet up just the two of us. Just because we're friends doesn't mean our kids have to be.

PurpleDaisies · 04/05/2022 21:39

Don’t meet at your house. Ever.

Blaze1886 · 04/05/2022 21:43

Don't have them over to your house. Simple

Bonjovispjs · 04/05/2022 21:56

Your house, your rules, don't have them there!

Sally872 · 04/05/2022 22:18

I would offer to have your dds friend but she doesn't need to join, to go to her house or meet at park. I would avoid 3 year old until they are over this.

Original poster

MangoJuice008 · 04/05/2022 22:24

No she doesn't invite us over to theirs.
I think offering to have the siblings over for a play date without friend and 3 year old is the only real option as I don't want to hurt her feelings by being blunt but the noise distressed my older DC and I simply will not put them through that again in their own home.
I do meet friend without DC while they are in school/nursery so that's not a problem either.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 04/05/2022 22:28

MangoJuice008 · 04/05/2022 22:24

How is it that they always come to yours?! I don’t have any friends where visits aren’t reciprocated.

TheyCallMeMaman · 04/05/2022 22:43

I have a three year old and he doesn't scream. Maybe I can come over to play instead :-)

PatientlyWaiting21 · 04/05/2022 22:44

I have a friend with. Daughter like this, I don’t blame the daughter it’s my friend, completely disrespectful and they’re no longer welcome at my home.

AzazaelsFury · 05/05/2022 01:12

Just don't have them at your house? I wouldn't have put up with it for this long. Just meet at a Cafe or park. Don't invite again.

Bunty55 · 05/05/2022 01:50

When my youngest was at primary school there was a boy in his class who did unacceptable things to other children. One boy was working with him at a desk and he stabbed the back of his hand with a pencil by the point breaking his skin. Another child was locked in a wardrobe at his house on a play date and when the mother discovered what had happened (the child was distraught) and the other child's mother came to collect her -she told the mother 'it's over now'.
My son stood on a bench in the playground and he pulled him off it by his feet. I was there with the teacher and we both saw what he did. It was uncalled for and he could have really hurt him.
The teacher told me he did lots of things to other children for no reason and they were working with the parents to deal with it.
The mother had asked me to pick him up from school and take him home to mine and she would collect him when she finished work. I had to tell her No, and I told her why. It was the only way. It was a sad situation. She thought he was perfect and everyone else was being silly over a few 'incidents'.

Pickabearanybear · 05/05/2022 02:57

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

missv556 · 05/05/2022 08:36

My son's friend is 4 and he's a little monster and she doesn't do much in the way of stopping or disclipling him either. No is not in his vocabulary. I've yet to have him at my home because I don't want to deal with it, my home is meant to be peaceful and he is chaotic. I'm expecting a baby and tbh I really don't want my child around hers because I don't trust him to behave properly and if he did anything out of order to my child I'd go schiz.

billy1966 · 05/05/2022 08:45

It reads as if her feelings are more important than your children's, is that really the case?

She won't invite you to hers and her youngest is spoiling the playdate.

Either spell it out to her that the invite does not include her or her 3 year old or
meet outside.

Most people would not tolerate this.

DodgyKneesCyril · 05/05/2022 08:51

I don't want to hurt her feelings by being blunt

I never understand this way of thinking.

Would you not tell your DCs off in case you "hurt their feelings"? You are being as bad as her!! She won't tell her child that their behaviour isn't acceptable, and you then won't tell her that hers is

The whole thing goes round in circles.

Mariposista · 05/05/2022 09:33

I don’t know why feel bad. By 3 the kid should understand that taking food out of someone else’s fridge without asking and screaming in their house is unacceptable. If they don’t, you’re friend has failed as a parent and needs to hear it!

Sodthatforagameofsoldiers · 05/05/2022 09:41

Unfortunately I have this with my oldest friend. She is absolutely lovely but her kids are awful. Rude and unkind and attention seeking. I feel really sad about it but I can't have them in my home again. It's very difficult to meet her without them there so I am worried we'll just hardly see one another.

Spikeyball · 05/05/2022 09:45

It possible the screaming cannot be helped but she should be supervising to prevent the rest of it and if the screaming distresses your own child ( mine has never coped with screamers) then I wouldn't have the child around them.

Greyarea12 · 05/05/2022 09:53

I get this I have been here with a friends child. It's stressful. Instead of an outright ban how about not asking her over anymore with her children and arrange to meet outside somewhere at a park or a soft play. If she ever insisted on coming to yours say something along the lines of.. can't be doing with the mess or I really want to get out the house today.

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