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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Preschool singling out DS- autism

45 replies

Drowningi · 03/05/2022 12:07

DS is autistic, non verbal and attends Preschool 5 days a week, 2 full days and 3 half days.

Every full day, 10/20 minutes after the rest of the half day kids have left I get a call asking me to collect. Generally because DS is having a meltdown/generally unhappy/doesn't seem like himself today.
He is supposed to have a 1:1 senco worker, this hasn't happened and they've just rejigged all the kids into different rooms with different friends and adults. So no 1:1 support for DS.

I just feel like they are failing him. When I collect him he is normally fine, and he isn't the type of kid to get excited at seeing a parent. He'll have a wet nappy or be thirsty, it just seems like they look at the autism and say o well it's obviously that that's why he is upset. Ignore the basics.

Hes only been in for 3 full days these past 3 months, it almost feels pointless.

Obviously I want to do what's best for DS, moving preschools isn't appropriate because of his ongoing EHCP and he does love it there, when he was in for his proper hours he was thriving. Then they had staffing problems for months so he was on a list of reduced hours. He was one of a couple of children who had many days "off" but he seemed to have more than others. I.e. no full days just half when others had full and half

Finally back to normal these past few months, or so we thought. But it seems like any old excuse now.

I'm just frustrated. Feels like it's the start of people writing him off too early because of a diagnosis.

Waiting around for that call now!

YABU - silly to think a 3 year old is being singled out

YANBU- multiple occasions and repeat instances where nothing has happened suggest otherwise

OP posts:

MojoMoon · 03/05/2022 12:09

Do you pay for the full days when he is sent home?

Original poster

Drowningi · 03/05/2022 12:11

Hes on the 30 hours free childcare, which they encouraged us to apply for despite not using all the hours. Said they get the funding then so we are able to up the hours if wanted later on in the year.

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/05/2022 12:14

Does he have an EHCP yet? You could complain to the LA that they are claiming EY funding but not being inclusive.

Original poster

Drowningi · 03/05/2022 12:17

@LIZS EHCP is in progress but not complete yet. Preschool have been very delayed in completing their section, about 6-7 weeks late in filling their bit in.

OP posts:

Shakeitshakeitbaby · 03/05/2022 12:17

I used to get this nonsense with my son when he was at nursery. I did not deal with it in the way I should have, which I deeply regret.

Having a meltdown, being generally unhappy or not seeming like himself are not reasons for early collection. They are a feature of his disability and need to be dealt with. They would not ask the parent of a neurotypiacal child to collect for these reasons. They need to be putting appropriate supports in place to ensure he can be supported. He is not ill so there is no reason to collect him. Meeting with management required to fund it what they are going to do to support going forward.

LIZS · 03/05/2022 12:19

So the 1:1 is not funded yet?

LovePoppy · 03/05/2022 12:20

Sounds like you need to have what is likely another talk with them

GuineaPigPosie · 03/05/2022 12:20

This is heartbreaking, OP. Can you arrange a meeting with the management to discuss your concerns? This isn't okay at all.

I work at a preschool and three of my key children have SEND. I wouldn't dream of sending them home when they're upset because there are so many ways of distracting them. And as you say, their behaviour is communication. I would go through so many options before sending home e.g. 1 on 1 time, change of scenery, distraction with stories or sensory play, hungry, thirsty... ANYTHING. I feel so sad for you and your DC. Does your DC have a keyworker?

I wish I could say more that would help. I would definitely express your concerns to management through a serious, sit down meeting. Don't let them fob you off. And honestly, don't write off moving him if they're really failing him. Sending love ❤️

PinkWisteria · 03/05/2022 12:28

I think I would ask for a meeting with the nursery to discuss exactly what the issues are and strategies for addressing them. Could it be that the other children leaving unsettles him as he leaves at the same time some days? If so maybe an activity/distraction would help. Might it be worth trying more full days rather than the mix of full and half days? Is there any local parents support group that might help and advise, it is hard feeling you are on your own dealing with this.

bigbluebus · 03/05/2022 12:29

If I'm understanding this correctly, his meltdowns are triggered when he's due to stay all day but some of the children leave to go home because they are only on a half day on that particular day?
If that is the case it sounds as though they are not managing the transition very well. He needs some sort of explanation (visual and verbal) that explains to him that he is staying all day that day whilst others will be going home. He's not understanding what is happening - sometimes he goes home with the others and other times he doesn't. They need to work on managing the transition not just assume he knows what is happening.

Clareypoo · 03/05/2022 12:30

Hi, I have a 3 year old with autism and have had some issues with nursery. However, I have always asked for a meeting with the manager and after a chat about behavior and needs and things have improved.
It seems to me that Early Years staff have a very basic, if any, knowledge or training in autism and stuff needs to be very clearly pointed out. And of course some things are specific to your child.

Do you have access to Portage service in your area?

tiredanddangerous · 03/05/2022 12:34

just say no when they ask you to collect early, surely?

Original poster

Drowningi · 03/05/2022 12:35

Thank you so much for all your replies so far, caught me off guard a bit. Was half expecting to get flamed for this and told to get used to it, he'll need extra support and I'm the best support he has sorta thing. It's nice to hear that I am correct in thinking preschool are handling this badly.

He has a portage worker, or did, they switched to a different area but his new portage worker should be starting with us soon :)

OP posts:

Shelleymoon · 03/05/2022 12:36

If preschool are receiving funding from an outside agency for the one to one support they stand to lose this (at least, in part) if your son isn't attending his specified sessions. Obviously allowing for illness and other unavoidable absence.
It sounds as though they are aware of triggers but giving up too easily. It's a poor show on their part.

Original poster

Drowningi · 03/05/2022 12:36

@tiredanddangerous
Tried that before. They just asked me to contact someone else to see if they could help collect.

Means I can't plan anything with youngest DC in the afternoons, as will probably have to collect DS early

OP posts:

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 03/05/2022 12:37

Next time they call ask all the things they have tried before calling you. If they can't suggest they offer a drink/snack/nappy change, change of scenery/singing or whatever works for him. Ask them to keep note of what is trigger the meltdowns so THEY can come up with a way around it. If it's because others are leaving and he is staying they should he making sure he is busy during this time.

Sounds very frustrating OP and very sad if they aren't able to get to know him and learn all the lovely things about him, I'm sure there are many!

Original poster

Drowningi · 03/05/2022 12:38

As for him being upset at not leaving when the others go, I collect him 15 mins early before end of day anyway to avoid the out of school rush, so he never normally leaves when other kids are leaving.

OP posts:

ExtraordinaryBehaviour · 03/05/2022 12:40

I voted yabu, because I think he might genuinely be struggling with doing Two full days if he does three half days. It isn't a very clear routine. I would keep preschool the same, either five half days or three/four full days

Shoebie · 03/05/2022 12:41

If they don't have funding for 1 to 1 yet then their options are somewhat limited if they can only afford to have him in the typical ratios of 1 staff member to x. I'd arrange a meeting with the nursery manager though and be really clear about your concerns, also log the time they phone you and the dates for your records. It is upsetting, frustrating and absolutely not inclusive- sadly the government doesn't give a shiny shit and won't invest money and resources into ensuring children and adults get the support they need.

FredinBread · 03/05/2022 12:42

Is the 1:1 funded or are they having to manage his needs amongst the needs of the group
Perhaps suggest part time, eg I will leave him an hour for two days, with the idea of building him up/they can plan accordingly. You could also go in and be his support to watch for triggers and share on how you deesclate your son so that staff are better equipped to not get to the crisis and send home stage? Treat it like starting the preschool and all of that transition again given he has nit been able to attend properly

Wishing you the best, hard on all sides

AReallyUsefulEngine · 03/05/2022 12:43

What week are you on with the EHCP? The LA should finalise within 20 weeks. If that hasn’t been the case you should complain to the Director of Children’s Services, then if that doesn’t work threaten Judicial Review. If the school need more funding whilst awaiting the EHCP the nursery can apply for early years inclusion funding.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 03/05/2022 12:46

My son doesn’t have autism but always got sad when others left half way through the day and he had to stay longer. It’s really tough.

without the EHCP in place it’s impossible for your son to get 1-1 support as the setting won’t have the funding to provide this and can probably just cover their staff/kids ratios

wonkygorgeous · 03/05/2022 12:50

Please get in touch with your names LA representative (normally your co-ordinator) at SEN Local Authority.

If they have agreed to assess for a plan they are responsible for keeping things within legal time frames.

Explain what's happening and that your son needs his 1:1.

They can make a more official phone call to the nursery to encourage them to get forms submitted.

Usually the LA are swamped and take an age to get around to working through case loads. It's an underfunded area.

Make that call, it could hurry things along a bit.

If you do this and it fails, escalate as PP has suggested.

First phone call today to your LA co-ordinator.

PicaK · 03/05/2022 13:02

Get in touch with early years at the LA

MerryMarigold · 03/05/2022 13:06

I work in a preschool and have experienced both ends of the spectrum with mom verbal, autistic children.
Nursery 1: could received EHCP and 1:1 funding. I'm not sure of the amount of hours, but she very, very rarely had 1:1 apart from eating. It was extremely difficult as a staff member, trying to take care of her (she would bite and run into garden constantly) and other children as I was counted in ratio. The work was so hard that I lost loads of weight and ended up moving jobs. I'm sure it was illegal but I wasn't fully trained and did not question exactly how many 1:1 hours she was supposed to have. So yes, some nurseries fail these children.

Nursery 2: currently we have an autistic child who is given 1:1 help for every moment he is in preschool. The preschool are losing money as he is not funded for 1:1 for that many hours, but it would not be safe for him to be in the setting without constant supervision (eg. The other day whilst his key worker was getting the nappy change area ready for him (2 min job), he took off his nappy and got poo everywhere). He needs constant supervision and interraction or he climbs in dangerous places as well. It doesn't seem at all fair to me that the preschool need to compensate for the lack of funding but they do to protect him and other children. They also covered a 1:1 for him whilst waiting for the EHCP. This is a business! (To compensate, I'm below minimum wage as my qualification is taking ages to come through).

So, if your child is not yet funded for 1:1, it must be very, very difficult for the preschool to manage their staff for 30 hours if in reality one member of staff is needed for him. It's probably quite chaotic trying to cover his needs as well as all the other children.

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