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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

strained relationship (SIL) - AIBU?

33 replies

glitterfairy88 · 03/05/2022 08:43

I don't have a close relationship with my SIL.

Things have previously been said by SIL to me about me not understanding men's needs etc and it was obvious her brother's needs were not being met. There were also remarks made about me not feeding DD properly and SIL also had a screaming meltdown in our house whilst DD was asleep. Since then, I have kept her at a distance and I don't engage with her on WhatsApp / social media. The only time we really have contact is if we are visiting the in-laws. DH thinks I am holding a grudge - perhaps I am, but I just can't forgive her for those comments regardless of whether she was depressed at the time or not.

SIL lives approx. 4 hours away. Her husband divorced her a 3 years ago and since then she has become depressed and being around her can be a bit like walking on eggshells - over Christmas a few things I said she took out of context and we ended up sitting having lunch together in silence whilst DH was out with in-laws. I find it just awkward being around her. She looks at me in a certai way that makes me feel like she things I am scatty or just ridiculous.

A few weeks ago MIL contacted me asking if her, SIL and nephew could come down for a week so SIL and nephew could have a holiday. She gave me some dates, but I said they wouldn't work as we have a few things on, one of which was a surprise weekend I had planned for DH. I thought that was the end of it, but over the BH weekend SIL messaged DH asking the same question about coming to stay and how depressed she is and how much she needs a holiday. DH said yesterday that they wanted to come down over the weekend of x date. I said that wouldn't work because I had arranged something and DD was going for a sleepover at my parents' house.

DH didn't believe that I had arranged a surprise weekend and went on the defensive about me obviously not wanting his sister to come and stay or have any of his family to visit. He went on and on and in the end I told him what his surprise was. I ended up telling him because I felt it was the only way for him to understand that I had already had something planned. I told him that SIL was welcome, but I was obviously reluctant to have her here again after previous behaviour and he should respect my feelings around that.

So the surprise is now ruined and I feel that whilst yes in a way that it was my own fault, due to this protective relationship he has with SIL that I was being made out to be a liar.

AIBU to just feel really peed off that anything around SIL questions my honesty - for context DH didn't believe me when I told him the things she had said around me not understanding that men have needs etc. I feel like I am constantly in the wrong.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 03/05/2022 08:47

A few weeks ago MIL contacted me asking if her, SIL and nephew could come down for a week so SIL and nephew could have a holiday

Why does this have to involve you?! If MiL wants them to have a holiday, why can’t they go and sleep in her house?

Original poster
glitterfairy88 · 03/05/2022 08:51

They are currently living with the in-laws.

OP posts:
forlornlorna1 · 03/05/2022 09:02

How rude of his family to think they can treat your home as a holiday destination!

OnaBegonia · 03/05/2022 09:04

SIL is rude to you but excepts you to put her up for a week?
She's beyond CF, your DH needs to have your back.

Shoxfordian · 03/05/2022 09:09

You have a dh problem tbh
He needs to support you

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 03/05/2022 09:10

YANBU familys are so difficult. I think you are quite right to feel the way you do, and you've actually handled it really diplomatically. How does DH view the comments made by his sister? Surely not acceptable? I'm sorry your surprise has been ruined. I think you're doing everything you can. I don't see how you can do anything else. DH is in a difficult position, but I think he should be appreciative of how you have chosen to handle it. Has DH perhaps confided in his sister about things he is unhappy with? If that's the case then he should be talking to you, instead of moaning behind your back.

BonnesVacances · 03/05/2022 09:17

Well they can't come that week, so that's that. If they suggest another week, you go away and leave them to it. It's DH's house too so if he wants his DM and DS to come and stay, so be it. But you don't have to host them if they're rude and disrespectful to you. Stick to your guns and don't be drawn into he said, she said. His family, his circus.

Maydaysoonenough · 03/05/2022 09:20

Send the cf a link to Airbnb. If dh kicks off you go stay somewhere else and he can bloody host his family..

DingDongDenny · 03/05/2022 09:26

There are several problems here, but the one that would piss me off the most would be my DH believing his family over me and making out that I wasn't telling the truth.

TheGlitterFairy · 03/05/2022 09:41

CF - presumably if you’re so awful to them then why would they want to stay with you for a week anyway. Hate this nonsense with ILs (sounds v similar to mine). Stick to
your guns with it.

pumpkinpie01 · 03/05/2022 10:16

They are asking to come and stay for a week ! How rude ! That's way too long and imposing .

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/05/2022 10:24

I'd be livid that your husband is effectively calling you a liar. If he doesn't believe you then what's the point? Also your SiL is crazy, being told no that's not convenient then just calling your husband rather than just taking it at face value. I hope you got a grovelling apology from your husband when you were proven to have told the truth about his surprise. You need to sit down and tell him you expect to be believed from now on.

Fraaahnces · 03/05/2022 11:15

I bet MIL’s the one who needs the time out. It’s your house. Say never.

Fraaahnces · 03/05/2022 12:05

Just cam back to suggest that the other option is to just silently give the impression that you’re acquiescing to this and take yourself away, ensuring that there is no cleaning, shopping, cooking, meal prep, anything done for them. That can be left for DH to do. You can go and have a lovely time with your phone switched off until they’re gone.

Original poster
glitterfairy88 · 03/05/2022 14:46

I'm curious as to the person who voted YABU!

DH has apologised, but it has shown me yet again that he will always side with his DSis when it comes to me.

Yes, I think the break is more about MIL. She has said to me herself that she needs to get away as the home environment is not good. Whilst I know the divorce has hit her (SIL) hard, it has been 3 years. That is another CF issue - she contacted DH and asked if she could "borrow" a substantial sum of money (5 figure). I was livid when I found out - he said no after talking to me about it. Where they live you can buy a perfectly adequate house for £175k, but because she has previously lived the high life with her ex will only consider properties with certain features, which is why she is still living with the in-laws. She has already told us that she can buy a property as a cash buyer with her settlement.

I know it sounds like I am anti everything, but she has just got under my skin now and every little thing irritates me. She laments that her life is rubbish, but she is out most of the time with girlfriends at spas etc because she has on tap baby sitters.

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 03/05/2022 22:02

She is a cash buyer yet continues to sponge off her mother 3 years down the line?
Think it's time someone stood up to this entitled pita, poor MIL; who is likely used as a live in nanny.

Indicatrice · 03/05/2022 22:07

You should not have anyone in your home who has screamed at you.

Put your foot down with DH.

MIL can come on her own as sounds like she needs a break from her twat daughter.

catandcoffee · 03/05/2022 22:49

In your position I would cancel the surprise and go away for the week, they want to stay, leave your husband to deal with HIS family.

His surprise has been ruined now... his own fault.

Penguinsaregreat · 03/05/2022 23:07

I agree with Catandcoffee. Also do as a previous poster suggesyed, when you go make sure you have not bought any food in or cleaned up.
I would not be around th sil at all. Make sure you are always unavailable.

billy1966 · 03/05/2022 23:51

Your husband has called you a liar?
Deal breaker.

He puts his sister ahead of you?
Deal breaker.

You need to cancel his surprise and head off for the week and leave him to his CF family.

He is very disrespectful of you, and you're accepting this.

Tell him to visit his family but you will not be accepting her in your home while you are in it.

Nip this in the bud now.

But honestly, I would be rethinking my relationship with a husband that thought he could call me a liar.

Fraaahnces · 03/05/2022 23:59

Your DMIL needs to sort her own shit out. It’s absolutely time for DSIL to stop using her MH as an excuse to stop being an entitled, divisive parasite and get her own home, and adult up. If DH needs to hear some ugly truths about his family, now’s the time.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 04/05/2022 02:41

@glitterfairy88 Wow your SIL is a crafty cheeky fucker going behind your back to DH!

I agree with previous posters tell DH that his sister can stay but HE can do the preparation and hosting whilst you go to your parents or a trip of your own I would bet DH will think differently when he realises he has to actually do the work!

Have you thought of bluntly telling your husband that everytime he says you're holding grudge, doesn't believe you and takes his sisters side that you love and respect him less and less and think he's a wimp not a man? Brutal but it may hit the point home.

As for SIL MH issues thats no excuse for bad behaviour either I'm so fed up of people saying "I have MH" as if it gives them a free pass to behave like arseholes! I have two mental health conditions and when they flare up I can be unpleasant however I withdraw from socialising until I'm in a better state of mind as that isn't fair to put that on other people. I personally think SIL behaves this way because it gets her what she wants, everyone panders to her and she can behave however she likes with excuses being made. I think she wants to stay so she can have you running round after her and a babysitter she doesn't have to pay for. Time for a reality check that if you're a nasty cow to people especially in their home you will no longer be welcome!

Pickabearanybear · 04/05/2022 03:24

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Newestname002 · 04/05/2022 03:49

@glitterfairy88

DH has apologised, but it has shown me yet again that he will always side with his DSis when it comes to me.

He seems to have very little insight into how much damage his sister and, even worse, he is doing to your marriage? 🌹

Stellamar · 04/05/2022 03:55

It's fair enough if you're don't get on with her and don't want to spend time alone with her. However I think it's very unfair for you to try to prevent your DH's family visiting or stand in the way of the relationship he has with his sister.

It sounds like you've both said various things to one another that haven't been taken well. You don't get on, but she's still your husband's family. Just take a step back, let him do the organising and the entertaining and go off and do your own thing. Spend the minimum dutiful time with her, stick to neutral topics, try to be polite and keep the peace.