strained relationship (SIL) - AIBU?

[glitterfairy88]

I don't have a close relationship with my SIL.

Things have previously been said by SIL to me about me not understanding men's needs etc and it was obvious her brother's needs were not being met. There were also remarks made about me not feeding DD properly and SIL also had a screaming meltdown in our house whilst DD was asleep. Since then, I have kept her at a distance and I don't engage with her on WhatsApp / social media. The only time we really have contact is if we are visiting the in-laws. DH thinks I am holding a grudge - perhaps I am, but I just can't forgive her for those comments regardless of whether she was depressed at the time or not.

SIL lives approx. 4 hours away. Her husband divorced her a 3 years ago and since then she has become depressed and being around her can be a bit like walking on eggshells - over Christmas a few things I said she took out of context and we ended up sitting having lunch together in silence whilst DH was out with in-laws. I find it just awkward being around her. She looks at me in a certai way that makes me feel like she things I am scatty or just ridiculous.

A few weeks ago MIL contacted me asking if her, SIL and nephew could come down for a week so SIL and nephew could have a holiday. She gave me some dates, but I said they wouldn't work as we have a few things on, one of which was a surprise weekend I had planned for DH. I thought that was the end of it, but over the BH weekend SIL messaged DH asking the same question about coming to stay and how depressed she is and how much she needs a holiday. DH said yesterday that they wanted to come down over the weekend of x date. I said that wouldn't work because I had arranged something and DD was going for a sleepover at my parents' house.

DH didn't believe that I had arranged a surprise weekend and went on the defensive about me obviously not wanting his sister to come and stay or have any of his family to visit. He went on and on and in the end I told him what his surprise was. I ended up telling him because I felt it was the only way for him to understand that I had already had something planned. I told him that SIL was welcome, but I was obviously reluctant to have her here again after previous behaviour and he should respect my feelings around that.

So the surprise is now ruined and I feel that whilst yes in a way that it was my own fault, due to this protective relationship he has with SIL that I was being made out to be a liar.

AIBU to just feel really peed off that anything around SIL questions my honesty - for context DH didn't believe me when I told him the things she had said around me not understanding that men have needs etc. I feel like I am constantly in the wrong.

I am not stopping her from visiting - the dates she wanted just simply do not work! I am obviously reluctant to have her back in my home after telling me that I was obviously not meeting her brother's needs which, quite frankly, is just downright rude and nasty and for her to scream and rant and rave in my home is just unacceptable behaviour. Would you want somebody back in your home who obviously has little respect for you?!

I have also not said anything - if telling her that "I personally couldn't do your job and I am in awe of her for doing what she does" can be taken the wrong way with her shouting at me "are you saying I haven't got a good job?!" when it was meant as a compliment, then quite honestly I don't really want to be around somebody like that.

Everyone has a different perspective on things. Perhaps she thinks you misunderstood what she said?

It's clear that you don't get on with one another and it sounds like she might be a bit difficult. I understand. There are a couple of people in my wider family like this. But I don't ban them from the house because of a few cross words, no. They're still family. I make an attempt to build bridges and smooth things over.

You miss my point - I have not banned her. She just can't get what she wants this time as the dates do not work and I am not cancelling what I have already arranged as DH and I rarely get any quality time together.

That's fair enough - but it just sounded like you didn't want them visiting at all. If that's not the case then I'd make it clear to all that they are welcome to come and suggest another couple of dates in the near future to smooth things over.

I think you SHOULD ban her. Consider also sending DH back to Mummy’s until he gets his priorities straight too.

I wouldn't want her there at all after the comments and the screaming. Tell your H go away with his family instead. I would be honest with your H and just say you don't get on, find her hard work, why should you tolerate someone who treats you like that in your own home

If my DSis had been that rude to DP, and had a screaming fit at him, in our home, she would not be staying over. She would need to apologise, and try to patch things up, and DP would need to be comfortable with having her stay. Only exception I can see to that would be if DSis had tried her best but DP was holding a grudge he couldn't explain.

I wouldn't want to force someone on DP, in his HOME, if they had behaved like that. Why does your DH feel it's ok to force his sister on you after her behaviour?

Your DH isn’t supportive of you. Perhaps you should go on the surprise weekend with a friend and leave him at home.