To think it’s not me with the problem here?

[Thistledew]

My relationship with MiL is currently very strained. She has adopted a narrative, which she is gaily sharing with other family members that I am “emotionally unavailable”, most likely because - she believes - I am on the autistic spectrum and/or my emotional needs were not met in childhood.

I am in very occasional contact with DH’s aunt- I’ve only met her a dozen or so times but she usually calls to wish my DCs a happy birthday/Easter/Christmas etc. It’s slightly irksome that she calls me rather than DH, her nephew, but as she is in a marriage with an abusive arsehole, I can understand her preference to speak with the women in the family.

She called the other day to ask if we had had recent contact with MIL, whom she had just found out had apparently been ill in bed for two days without telling anyone. I got DH to give his mum a call. She denied that she had been ill in bed and said that she had been ill with a cold for two days and had just happened to be resting in bed when her sister had called.

MIL then sent a series of messages to
me and DH, apologising for her sister calling me, saying that she had no idea how she got my number and that she would ask her to refrain from contacting me again.

I found this utterly bizarre- I have no problem at all speaking to DH’s aunt and had certainly never said I didn’t want her to contact me. I replied to MiL to say this and she said that it was “kind” of me to allow her sister to contact me.

AIBU to think that it is odd of MIL to consider controlling my communication with her sister in this way- when neither of us have a problem with speaking to each other?

Im feeling increasingly pissed off with her telling everyone that I’m lacking in social awareness when in reality she is the one making inappropriate statements and interventions?

She probably likes to control the narrative so doesn't want other family members realising that's she'd been telling porkies about you! I'd call the aunt back myself if I were you and say what she'd said and just let her know that you don't know what MIL is going on about as you are happy to have her contact you if she'd like to 😁

It does all sound a bit odd

Personally I would up the contact with the aunt. It isn't up to mil to manage your life.

I really don’t understand in what circumstances it would be appropriate for her to tell her sister not to contact me, when I had no problem with it?

I told MiL that it was unnecessary for her to intervene in this way and her only reply was to say that she was happy that I was prepared to speak to her sister as she knows that I am busy and that I like “factual communication”.

My concern is that it feeds into her narrative that I am anti social if she leads other family members to believe that I had requested her sister not to contact me. Either she is deliberately perpetuating a negative impression of me or is just startlingly unaware of the impact of her actions.

You need to contact the aunt yourself as it sounds like she is going to tell her not to contact you.

AIBU to be fuming about her telling people that she thinks I’m on the autistic spectrum and/or have emotional difficulties stemming from childhood? Neither of these things is in my view likely to be true.

YANBU what does your DH say about it all?

Agree with PPs and call the Aunt back and say something, head MIL off at the pass as it were.

Where do you think your MIL got the idea that you only like "factual communication"?

Have you ever asked you MIL to limit her contact with you, or has your DH said something to her e.g. about not wanting to have little chats with her, go to a restaurant with her, etc?

This is a tinkly laugh scenario to head things off at the pass: messages that no-one can object to, but put the situation where you want it, To MIL: "Goodness, MIL, dh's aunt and I are often in contact - please don't feel you need to get involved. I think she was just concerned that we were aware if you were not well - after all, none of us are getting any younger! So glad to hear you are fine, and look forward to seeing you soon)" And to to dh's aunt "Thanks so much for warning us that MIL hadn't been well - she can try and minimise things so as not to worry us, so it's good to have been informed. Do stay in touch if there's anything you think we ought to know, and look forward to talking/seeing you soon"

It’s all a big sorry mess at the moment. I don’t dislike MiL in small doses, but find her incredibly draining to spend time with. We unfortunately spent too much time together as she (at her request) did a lot of child care for us.

I found that I was withdrawing when I was around her as a protective response to how draining I find her. She perceives this as me being deliberately rude and ungrateful.

I’ve tried to explain some of the reasons that I feel drained by her, but perhaps have rather sugar-coated things too much.

Basically, in my view she is a poor communicator: to give one example, she returned indoors from hanging out our laundry (which she had done unbidden) and said “There were so many clothes in that load, I’ve never seen the line so full”. My immediate thought was “That’s not true, the line’s only ¾ full. I can think of many times when you will have seen it with more clothes than that”. I admit that it was only some time later that it occurred to me that actually what she was trying to say that she was tired from hanging out the clothes, that her arms hurt and that she needed a rest.

I used this example when I tried to talk to MiL and explain why we don’t communicate well. I said that I tend to focus on the factual side of communication whereas she is an emotional communicator. It appears that she has translated this into a conclusion that I only like to communicate about facts, and won’t deal with emotions at all.

Other examples of her communication that I struggle with are her use of statements rather than questions- she finds it very difficult to request things directly so rather than ask a question she will make a statement. This leaves me having to work out exactly what she is wanting before answering yes or no to the actual request.

She has a habit of starting a conversation mid way through a train of thought- she will ask a question, or even worse will fire off a series of questions that start from a premise that only she is aware of, leaving her listener to scramble after her working out where she is starting from.

She hates a silence and will fill any lull in conversation with details of the holidays that her friends, who I have never met, have been on.

I find this exhausting- when I’m trying to focus on my work (working from home) and on the DC, I find it very draining to have to expend so much mental energy communicating with her. I admit that I tend to shut down and engage with her as little as possible when I have other things that need my attention. In small doses I can cope with her and be friendly and chatty, but not when I am seeing her all day two days a week.

DH agrees with me to a large extent and will also say that she frustrates him in the way she communicates, but he doesn’t really acknowledge how toxic her perception of me is and how her conclusion that I’m emotionally stunted is in many ways a projection of her own difficulties.

How come you see her 2 full days per week? That’s a huge amount of Mil time.

she sounds quite controlling. By saying your emotionally distant she’s trying to decide how you must show up in her presence. Most people would be able to accept you as you are and adjust the conversation accordingly (maybe light hearted chit chat on days you are tired).

sounds like triangulation with the aunt. Definitely talk directly to the aunt and make it clear that you are happy to be contacted if that’s the case

Yes, this for sure, sounds like MIL is meddling

I'm in two minds here. Yes, MIL sounds a annoying and I wouldn't be spending two full days with any family member, we'd be sure be sure to drive each other crazy.

However one this one specific issue I think she was trying to be helpful and wasn't being rude. If I was MIL and I found out my sister was calling my DIL, I would think it was a bit weird. Even you say you were confused at first, because surely she would be calling the actual person she's related to. I might try to protect DIL from this awkward situation by telling her not to call. It wouldn't be because I think there is anything wrong with DIL.

Lots of people get in awkward situations like this and feel they can't get out. See hundreds of threads on here about people who've gotten stuck giving lifts, doing things for neighbours etc.

Not to say you have to let MIL go ahead, you can correct her as pp said above "oh thanks MIL but it's fine, we are in contact often actually".

Make sure that you contact Aunt directly and let her know that you enjoy her calls and to ignore anything MIL tells her about not contacting you.

you did say you found the aunt’s calls to you ‘slightly irksome’ though, OP, so maybe your MIL has a point?

I’d make BFF with the aunt at this point.

I don't know what to make of this. The example about the washing, I mean surely that was just a throw away comment, which didn't need any response let alone any analysing of what it meant. Do you over think everything?

It was this exact description of that interaction that made me think the OP could be autistic tbh. I say this an an autistic person.

I must admit the comment about the washing struck me as strange as well. I would have filtered it out as random noise long before it reached the part of my brain that even cared if it had any correspondence with reality.

The later comment about realising how to interpret it almost seem designed to create a picture of OP as autistic.

I suppose it's possible that laundry is just more prominent in OP's life than in mine, and she thinks more about it than I do.

I don’t think it matters whether or not OP is autistic: MIL shouldn’t be telling people she’s “emotionally unavailable” or policing her communication with the aunt, or with anyone.

I think you are giving your mother in law too much headspace. Does it really matter what she thinks about you?

I agree with this. But I also think OP is giving their MiL too much headspace.

"Basically, in my view she is a poor communicator: to give one example, she returned indoors from hanging out our laundry (which she had done unbidden) and said “There were so many clothes in that load, I’ve never seen the line so full”. My immediate thought was “That’s not true, the line’s only ¾ full. I can think of many times when you will have seen it with more clothes than that”. I admit that it was only some time later that it occurred to me that actually what she was trying to say that she was tired from hanging out the clothes, that her arms hurt and that she needed a rest.

I used this example when I tried to talk to MiL and explain why we don’t communicate well. I said that I tend to focus on the factual side of communication whereas she is an emotional communicator. It appears that she has translated this into a conclusion that I only like to communicate about facts, and won’t deal with emotions at all.

Other examples of her communication that I struggle with are her use of statements rather than questions- she finds it very difficult to request things directly so rather than ask a question she will make a statement. This leaves me having to work out exactly what she is wanting before answering yes or no to the actual request."

This whole section is pretty autistic tbh. I mean, if you showed it to the guys assessing me they would have been like 'yup'.

If I was MIL and I found out my sister was calling my DIL, I would think it was a bit weird.
What?
My uncle is quite a slikely to call dh and as me.
If any of his (many, many) uncles or aunts phoned us, they would talk to whoever answered the phone, me or dh.
How is it weird to have a conversation with your partner's family?