To think it’s not me with the problem here?

[Thistledew]

My relationship with MiL is currently very strained. She has adopted a narrative, which she is gaily sharing with other family members that I am “emotionally unavailable”, most likely because - she believes - I am on the autistic spectrum and/or my emotional needs were not met in childhood.

I am in very occasional contact with DH’s aunt- I’ve only met her a dozen or so times but she usually calls to wish my DCs a happy birthday/Easter/Christmas etc. It’s slightly irksome that she calls me rather than DH, her nephew, but as she is in a marriage with an abusive arsehole, I can understand her preference to speak with the women in the family.

She called the other day to ask if we had had recent contact with MIL, whom she had just found out had apparently been ill in bed for two days without telling anyone. I got DH to give his mum a call. She denied that she had been ill in bed and said that she had been ill with a cold for two days and had just happened to be resting in bed when her sister had called.

MIL then sent a series of messages to
me and DH, apologising for her sister calling me, saying that she had no idea how she got my number and that she would ask her to refrain from contacting me again.

I found this utterly bizarre- I have no problem at all speaking to DH’s aunt and had certainly never said I didn’t want her to contact me. I replied to MiL to say this and she said that it was “kind” of me to allow her sister to contact me.

AIBU to think that it is odd of MIL to consider controlling my communication with her sister in this way- when neither of us have a problem with speaking to each other?

Im feeling increasingly pissed off with her telling everyone that I’m lacking in social awareness when in reality she is the one making inappropriate statements and interventions?

I think it’s less about you and your contact with her sister and more like mil has been caught out in a lie.

i think she told her sister she was really unwell, playing the martyr, ‘oh I didn’t want to bother anyone so just suffered in silence’, trying to gain sympathy/attention but didn’t want you or your dh to think she was actually ill for some reason, so panicked and this was the result.

she sounds a bit unhinged either way though.

But OP finds the aunts calls "slightly irksome"'surely increased contact would escalate that?

How is it weird to have a conversation with your partner's family?

Well not weird as in bad necessarily. If you meet an IL and get on well and become friendly, great. But no I wouldn't expect an aunt or uncle who has known me since birth, to suddenly consider my partner as close just because we are married now. My mother doesn't become his mother as well.

I wouldn’t think anything of it, apart from to think “That’s a bit odd, she has seen it fuller”. It her reaction- its hard to describe other than to say that she kind of looks at me expectantly and then turns away with a little huff- which makes me realise that she was after some kind of engagement and response. I’m then left puzzling as to what I should have said.

It’s only very slightly irksome that the aunt contacts me and not DH because of how DH and I manage our relationships with our families- he deals with his and I deal with mine. It bothers me slightly that she sees it as my role as DH’s wife to do the family organisation, rather than acknowledging that DH is perfectly able to sort things out himself. However, as she is unlikely to change her very traditional views on marriage I just simply relay her comments to DH and don’t make a fuss.

I don’t think I am autistic. I don’t score highly at all on any of the on-line tests you can do.

Even if I am, and even if MiL had proper grounds to suspect it, surely the decent thing to do is to talk to me about it directly, rather than talking about me behind my back to the rest of the family?

I think I recognise your MIL's style of communication. She has to hint at things because she would be a 'bad girl' if she came right out and said that housework made her feel tired. You were supposed to pick up on this and agree that the amount of work done was 'the most washing ever!' which would give her an excuse to sit down with a cup of tea. But you dropped the ball and so she felt that you hadn't noticed the work she had done. If you had said, "wow, what a trooper, MIL I will put the kettle on," that would have met her expectations that you both know how hard it is to keep house.

@Thistledew Since you gamely and introspectively replied to my questions, I'll reply to you honestly.

Of course every feeling you have is valid. Of course MIL should not be diagnosing you with ASD and telling people. But vindicating your feelings or being right doesn't solve the ongoing problem here.

Look at it from MIL's perspective. She can tell you don't get along. You take issue with how she communicates to you. You withdraw from her. She's clearly perceiving this as a snub. This hurts her feelings. Her attempts to engage you in conversation (instead of blanking you in return) indicate that she wishes she had a good relationship with you. It's a blow to her self-image that she doesn't. So how can she salvage her hurt feelings? Much like many MNers, she attributes the behavior to an undiagnosed neurodivergent case. It's not you at fault, it's not her at fault: it's just ND.

Why does she insist you're kind to say that it's ok for aunt to call? Because if you're perfectly fine chatting to her sister and not her... where does that leave her? It'd again feel like a snub from you.

I don't think your MIL is purposefully being toxic and wicked to you. I think you should work on repairing this relationship if you want to fix the ongoing problem. If you have a problem communicating with someone, telling them about it and waiting for them to change and throwing your hands up helplessly if they don't isn't the answer. You also need to work on changing how you respond and communicate with them. You only make things more draining for yourself if you don't.

So here's my advice if you're willing to take it.

Laundry example: be mindful to not bicker with your MIL. If it's a minor detail that she may be wrong about, don't fight over it or try to correct her. Let it go. Also, if she does something you didn't ask her to do, either say "thank you" or "that's very kind of you but you didn't have to do that!"

Statements instead of questions: don't guess what she wants. Just prompt her for more info. eg. MIL-I'm so parched. You-What drink would you like? More ambiguous example.... MIL-I've been running around all day. You-I noticed! Need anything? Just learn how to prompt her. "What would you like?" "Need anything?" "What can I get you?" "Anything I can do?" It's irritating when people would rather lodge a complaint than ask positively for something to rectify the situation, but don't waste your patience guessing. I bet she's just waiting for an invitation to ask for something.

Conversation midway through a train of thought: "what prompted this?" "where is this coming from?" "What is this about?" "catch me up on this" "wait a moment, start from the beginning please"

Conversation while you're wfh: "Sorry I have to focus on this", "Can't chat right now - I'm supposed to be working", "Could you tell me about that at X time when I'm free?" "I have to get back in 2 minutes" Can you arrange your wfh office so she isn't talking to you while caring for DC? I assume you're set up in the kitchen or something. If it's while caring for your DC, redirect her attention to DC.

Keep in mind, your MIL is providing you an extremely valuable service by doing childcare 2x/wk. You should try, in exchange, to get along with her and feign some interest in her life.

Yes, this chimes entirely with my MiL. She admits that it stems from the very formal nurse’s training she had in the 60s. Apparently they weren’t allowed to ask directly to take a break- if they needed the toilet they had to ask to go and change their cap, and if they needed a drink they had to ask to take some air.

Some months ago we spoke and I said that I find her lack of directness draining. A few moments later I asked her how often it would suit her to see the DC. She launched into a long spiel about how she was selling her house so and downsizing to a bungalow so that she has free funds to pay for nursing treatment when she needs it. I patiently waited to see how this related to her seeing the DC, only for her to admit when she finally came to the end of her exposition that it had no relevance at all.

It sometimes seems that she is so worried about being told ‘no’ that she will go to extremes to either try to invoke pity in her listener or to avoid making a direct request that could be denied.

What a great post. I will be applying this to the challenges with my own MIL. I do recognise so much of my own frustrations in OP's original post - particularly those comments that can feel passive aggressive (unintentionally or not) as they bring put the worst in me and I too pull away for self preservation. Anyway, this feels like very wise advice 👌

@stiritwithaknife thank you. That is all such sound advice.

I’ve tried so many times to be more patient and engaged with MiL, because there are times that we have had a good time together. We both are keen gardeners so enjoy going to garden shows etc.

I just keep ending up resenting the effort that I have to put in to manage our relationship and to suppress my irritation. And it seems that it has been to little avail as she has been talking negatively about me to DH and to family for years. I’m trying to find some sympathy for her but rather than meet me half way and acknowledge that she hasn’t dealt with things in an emotionally sophisticated way she is just trying to find more and more reasons to sustain her view that I’m emotionally incapable.