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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how many you have?

37 replies

coffeewithmilk · 02/05/2022 20:40

How many friends do you have?

Myself and my husband met in a city where we had a great life and lots of friends. We decided to move back to my hometown to be near my family (his family is in another country) and to be honest we both just feel like we have no friends.
My childhood friends have all gone separate ways and I feel my only really close best friends live back in the city.

We recently had a baby, and I don't know whether being a hermit for the last 2 years has gotten in on us both but my husband just randomly became very upset today and said he is lonely.. which then made me really upset.
Feel really stuck in a rut and don't know what to do.

Is this what life is? Do people really have big groups of friends anymore or are we just the odd ones out?
We are both early 30s

I have everything I've ever wanted, a lovely home, good health, my son, a dog.. but I can't help but feel sad

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 02/05/2022 20:42

Yabu to use the word 'myself'.

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 02/05/2022 20:43

I have to admit that I don’t have many close friends - I have acquaintances that I socialise with but not really close friends. I’m quite happy though:).

Ragwort · 02/05/2022 20:46

Would it really help to know if other people have friends? Surely if you both want to make friends the best thing is to get involved in hobbies, community events, volunteering, local organisations etc etc to meet like minded people? I know it sounds tough, but you have to put the effort in to make new friends.
My DH and I have moved a lot due to work but we always make an effort to get out, do things and meet other people ... they may not all become 'good friends' but at least we are busy and doing things we enjoy.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 02/05/2022 20:51

I have five. It's ideal for me.

Overthebow · 02/05/2022 20:52

We have a lot of friends, around 25+ with different circles and now we have a DC we do a lot of things with friends that have DC too. It's lovely seeing DC grow up with family friends and there's always someone to hang out with when we have nothing to do.

But, we don't have any family close by.We made the choice not to move close to DHs family when we had DC, as we don't have any friends in their area and it's a 3 hour journey from where all our friends now. I sometimes wonder if we made the right choice, and maybe we would move in future but DH is very against it because of our many close friends and to be honest I can't see us bringing up DC in their area as there's not nearly as many opportunities in that part of the country.

My point is, you chose the opposite of what we did, you moved away from friends to be near family. It is much harder to make close friends from scratch, but you have your family. When family live a distance from friends you have to choose one way or the other and there will always be times you wonder if you made the right choice. Are you happy with the area you are in and having your family close by?

BeyondMyWits · 02/05/2022 20:52

Depends what you mean by friends...

Someone who wouldn't question if you rang at 3am needing help ... one

Someone to chat and laugh with over a cuppa... 3 maybe 4

Friendly acquaintances a few.

It is sad your husband feels lonely. Does he work outside the home? Have any hobbies? Have you any neighbours with young kids? Those are the three places my friendships have been made.

Davros · 02/05/2022 20:54

30+

Dillydollydingdong · 02/05/2022 20:54

I've probably got three good friends and a few acquaintances. Other than that, I rely on family. That's enough.

Maydaysoonenough · 02/05/2022 20:56

None. Same as dh!!
We are happy hermits!!

carefullycourageous · 02/05/2022 20:57

I only have a few friends. I'm happy, I am very quiet by nature, but worry I am vulnerable in a crisis. My parents are very sociable and whenever anything happens they have a friend who knows exactly what to do! Sometimes I think I should actively cultivate friendships with plumbers, lawyers, mechanics...!

I'm sorry you are both sad.

I can only suggest joining some things, to start meeting people.

RicaDaVidaLoca · 02/05/2022 21:02

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 02/05/2022 20:42

Yabu to use the word 'myself'.

Was there really any point in this reply? Other than being plain rude, that is? I’d imagine the answer to OP’s question for yourself is ‘not many’.

YukoandHiro · 02/05/2022 21:02

I'm planning my 40th. I've just realised I have most acquaintances and not many friends now. V different from when I turned 30. Kids, work pressure and lockdown have all taken their toll.

WhereisWallyFFS · 02/05/2022 21:03

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

unnecessary.

We are in a new area so not many friends locally. Around 4. We have other friends that don’t live close that we see a couple of times a year and others we see more rarely.

Sorry you are both feeling like this. Perhaps you could join some activities to start widening your circle?

EmpressSuiko · 02/05/2022 21:12

None!

Nicklebox · 02/05/2022 21:12

Why dont you go to playgroups with your baby its the perfect oportunity to meet other mums

Babyroobs · 02/05/2022 21:12

I am fortunate that we moved back to my home town and my group of friends from secondary school still all live within half an hours drive. So I have those friends and their partners. My dh does still feel a bit like they are more my friends though as we have such a shared history. I then have a couple of friends some distance away that I meet with a couple of times a year. I have one local friend only who was a previous neighbor and our kids grew up together. Then I have one much younger friend who I met through work. I would like more local friends but it's hard to know where to find / make them. I know my dh would like some male friends to go for a drink or play pool with.

User48751490 · 02/05/2022 21:14

These days more acquaintances I would say, no time for close friends due to family commitments.

MarvellousMay · 02/05/2022 21:18

2 close friends.
Part of a few bigger groups, which I only really maintain because I worry I’ll end up old and alone.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 02/05/2022 21:18

RicaDaVidaLoca · 02/05/2022 21:02

Was there really any point in this reply? Other than being plain rude, that is? I’d imagine the answer to OP’s question for yourself is ‘not many’.

Show quote history

I thought it was funny! Also correct, as the misuse of myself is bloody annoying.

MakkaPakkas · 02/05/2022 21:20

I have a group of 4 female mates from 'the olden days' 2 of which I'm more friendly with & we meet up for weekends about 2/3 times a year and I meet with one of them who is geographically closer more often and them plus partners who I like about once a year.
I have 5/6 work mates who I go for a drink with every month or so.
A couple of mum groups that I'm included in and go round each others houses/for coffee/pub every now and then.
Two close local mates I see at least weekly (often just for a walk or they come round for tea)
One close local mate I see about monthly Plus 3 good friends I never see anymore because we've moved to a different country. I miss them.

I think the key is being mates with people who will make the effort to either organise stuff or will come to something if you invite them.
Do you have a WhatsApp group with your old pre baby mates? You could start one if not and arrange to hang out. Kids are a good way to meet people too, my best local mates were all met through that, but there's also work and hobbies. It's a combo of luck and effort I think.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/05/2022 21:21

About 60 who I would go out for a drink/dinner with in a group

About 10 I would go out with 121

5 that I would call at 3am and they'd be fine with it

Original poster
coffeewithmilk · 02/05/2022 21:21

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I have joined a baby sensory group recently and have been messaging some of the girls I work with to meet for coffee/walk on their days off.
So I am making an effort, but just feel that I don't have many 'close' friends - I don't know if that makes sense.

My husband is still working from home post covid and is due to go back to the office soon so I'm hoping that will help. He explained he just feels lonely at the minute because he feels like he is just working constantly and not leaving the house, no social interaction apart from me and the baby.. so maybe just needs a break

OP posts:
rhubarb84 · 02/05/2022 21:28

You're not alone, I feel this way too.
In my case it's mainly because we've moved a fair amount for DH's work (not always by choice).
So I do have friends in various parts of the country, people we could go and visit and so on.
But having moved so much, we've ended up being no-one's best friend. And very aware that as we get older, it takes longer to make friends.
At the moment I wouldn't really know who to invite to a birthday party, for example - which is pretty sad.
I'm also feel that I'm not that good at getting from acquaintance to friend.

TheGlitterati · 02/05/2022 21:32

16 that I’d class as friends who I talk to regularly, some I am closer to than others.

Furrbabymama87 · 02/05/2022 21:40

Not many. I've got a couple of people I've known for decades that I don't see often but we can always pick up where we left off and it's as though no time has passed. And I've got a couple of superficial friendships that are really just acquaintances who I see more often, but that's just because they're school mums so our lives are more parallel and it's easier to do stuff with the kids. And because we have that in common we have a lot to talk about. But these people wouldn't be my first choice to have fun away from kids or with a personal issue.

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