To wish I could just be normal like everyone else?

[Panda129]

Where to start?
I am late thirties but still get mistaken for 18-21. This is not me boasting and certainly not something to be blessed by. It's embarrassing and I look like a kid. Also get spoken down to by people years younger than me as they assume I am their age or younger.
Physically, I am very weird looking. Big nose, fat cheeks, thin lips, flat chested and lank, thinning hair.
I get told I have a weird voice all the time and people impersonate it also which really upsets me. They say I have a strong brummie accent or west Midlands even though I have never been to any of those places. Just another oddity. I have no friends, partner or kids and haven't been on holiday for years as nobody to go with.
Got made redundant from a much loved job (but in a niche area) over lockdown, I got on well with everyone there and often described as likeable and lovely but now I am in a job I hate and feel I am being bullied. I feel sick at the thought of going in each day. I know there are better roles out there but have yet to find them and can't see myself finding a job which I loved as much as my last one.
Aibu to just wish I could have a normal life like everyone else, look like them and be loved and supported by others the way they are?
Please be kind in the responses.

It must be hard to not have friends. Do you think you have any insight to why things have worked out that way?

F

Sorry you're feeling down. Make sure you stay in touch with the people from your last job, they may be able to help you find a similar position if something comes up. Don't stand for people taking the piss - report every time if at work, you shouldn't have to take it.

Oh babes,

I’m sorry to hear this. Are you having a bad day because you think everyone’s out there enjoying their bank holiday? Because they certainly aren’t! Not all of them!

I totally get you and where you’re coming from, and save for a few details, am quite similar to you in many ways- age wise, v few friends, shit and uncaring family, a bit different to others etc. I’m also v overweight at the moment, which doesn’t help. And I’m also not yet on the property ladder which saddens me every day.

I’m sure you heard this before, but…

• you don’t need a partner to be happy, and you need to love yourself first anyway.
• Can you get involved in any clubs/groups/hobbies to meet friendly people? I’ve met a few people whilst walking my little dog- not necessarily friends, but great for an anxious introverted person like me to get chatting to.
• Jobwise, what do you realistically want to do? Could you retrain alongside your current job?
• Holidaying alone is character-building. Personally, I’ve done a lot of it, even back when I had a lot more friends as no one wanted to go to Columbia, Iceland and Russia like me, but instead Magaluf, Spain and Greece-type breaks!!

Not sure if this is relevant to you, but I once knew two lovely, beautiful, successful young people who were shy, inexperienced and sheltered. One day they went to church, now they are happily married, with a baby on the way. This happened over the course of 2.5-3 years.

Please PM me if you need to, and I hope others can provide support and comfort. You are not alone. x

Also very welcome to PM me OP 💐

Your new workplace sounds awful if the people there are mimicking you and acting like bullies. I don't think anyone would be able to cope with that. Is there an HR Dept you can speak to?

Thanks everyone for the comments so far.
I have had friends in the past but find that I get used a lot or people become friends with me but only when things are tough. When things get better for them, they move on. I have never been enough for anyone it seems.
In terms of the voice thing, I hate myself for it. Even my sister mimics me and then acts all surprised when I call her out on it. She claims she isn't mimicking me but clearly is. My colleagues have started talking in the same sort of way and keep saying they can't believe I am not from Birmingham/West Midlands as my 'accent' is so strong. It makes me feel even more shy and self conscious, afraid to speak because they find it so funny. If I complained they would just say they are doing it anyway for a joke and nothing to do with me.
The weird voice along with everything else just makes me feel so ashamed.

I've kept in touch with my old boss and he has said he will keep an eye out on opportunities for me. As I said, I was respected, well liked and happy there so I must have done something right in that respect. That's the only thing that gives me hope. I feel at my age I should be fully confident and ok with myself but instead I feel like a deeply insecure teenager. Embarrassing really.

So sorry you are feeling this way OP. I wonder if finding some out of work hobbies or groups might help to widen your circle. If you are political getting involved locally or in charity work or something. You might meet some nice genuine souls that way? Someone else mentioned church.

Also, the thoughts you are having are very normal. Most people have self critical or self doubting thoughts. The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is an easy read and helpful in understanding the human condition, how we work and how to still live a fulfilling life whatever rubbish it throws your way.

Hope you find a better job with nicer colleagues.

It sounds like you feel a sense of shame, almost as if you don’t belong amongst other people, but you also know it’s not fair and not right that people have treated you like they have, or even that you say these negative things about yourself. Keep listening to that second voice. The voice that says I deserve better, I deserve respect and I do not have to tolerate this.

Basically, the problem isn’t you. It never was. It’s always been shitty people taking advantage and preying on you. No more. You don’t have to take this.

There are a couple of things you could do:

•You could see a speech therapist or voice coach. Your voice probably nearly as bad as you think it is, but you'd gain more confidence by speaking to a professional about how you could change it

•Try volunteering in your spare time. It's a great way to make friends. Loads of charities are desperate for help.

•Join something like the WI. It's not just for old people.

Would you be interested in a group tour for a holiday eg G Adventures/Intrepid type thing? I think travelling might help build your confidence and it’s also a good way to meet new people

I think first and foremost I need to get the voice issue sorted. That's impacting on my ability to interact comfortably with others and causing a lot of upset.
I just wish I could be like others. Look my age, sound normal and have friends. I do feel a lot of shame. Hard to feel proud of myself in any form. There is nothing to be proud of really.

I doubt your voice or your looks are as weird as you think they are. You probably look perfectly normal to everyone else. But, both your voice and the physical things can be fixed if they bother you. I would try voice coaching first.

I think this is just confidence, first things first can you afford a speech therapist? I think it’s important to understand why you talk with a Birmingham accent if you’re not actually from Birmingham, were you brought up by someone who was?

the hair thing is easily fixable, just see a good hairdressers, lots of styles and products available, no one needs to have lank thin looking hair.

the chest is irrelevant, I’m sorry but it is, we all have different chest sizes.

im sure your face is perfectly fine and normal and your issues with it are more about self confidence and low self esteem.

good luck op.

What do you think is wrong with your voice, some sort of actual speech impediment? Because there is nothing wrong with a Brummie accent even if it has come from nowhere. You could even move to Birmingham, which would have the dual benefits of fitting in your voice and leaving behind the knobs where you work.

You should most definitely be proud of yourself. You seem absolutely lovely. You write well and seem very eloquent. You had a job where you were respected and well liked. I even bet you’re a lot more beautiful than you believe you are. Sometimes we are definitely our own worst critics.
I am so sorry you’re being mimicked and bullied at work. How awful of those colleagues. Have you begun looking for a new role elsewhere?

I am in two minds about your voice. Part of me fully understands why you want to change and you feel almost shame about it, but the other half of me thinks why the heck should you change yourself? Fuck it, just pretend you are from Birmingham! Tongue in cheek a bit there. Just wish I could give you a huge hug, you do genuinely come across as just so lovely. I wish you had more confidence in yourself and I hope you manage to do/change/learn whatever needs be to get there x

Thank you everyone and Aussiegirl, I was really shocked and touched to read that as felt I would get a really hard time posting here but everyone has been kind and understanding.
In terms of the accent, it's mainly Brummie that I get but others have said Kiwi, Australian and Welsh. I hate the attention my voice brings. Not everyone comments on it but many people will say 'Oh wow, you're definitely not from around here are you?" Then they are completely stunned when I say I am not. Some even say that I look 'a bit foreign' alongside the voice so that also doesn't help.
I'm not even sure it is an accent but actually a bit of a speech impediment which makes me sound like I have an accent but actually it's just the weird way I pronounce words...
In terms of appearance, in particular, hair, I take strong medication to deal with 2 chronic health issues. Thinning hair is a side effect unfortunately.
I am looking for another job but confidence is very low which makes it all harder.

I was raised in Russia and then America, where I learned English, before moving to England for high school. My accent was horrendous, I genuinely sounded like Gru from the minions. As a teenage girl! I lived in Suffolk, where my accent just stood out like a sore thumb and everyone used to say the same to me “oooo arrrgh you’re not from round ere are ya”... I used to just mimic their accent back and say nah boi. Now I live in Australia and everyone comments how they love my accent and ask me to ‘just keep talking, I could listen to you all day’! So there is hope for you yet my friend :)
Just wanted to cheer you up with a little story. But when people ask you about your accent, just reply with a swift no, then ask them about themselves. People (usually) love speaking about themselves and it takes the conversation away from your insecurities about your voice.

Hair. Just find a style that suits what you have, even if it requires a hairdresser trip or a unique ribbon in it. There’s a perfect ‘do for every hair type.

if you were your friend, you wouldn’t speak to yourself the way you do. So maybe try being your own best friend and finding great things about yourself? Nice eyes? Cute nails? Lift that self esteem a little higher to where it deserves to be at. As I said before, you sound so lovely, and real beauty always shines from within. People will remember how you made them feel, not what you look, sound or dress like.

Thank you so much.
Embarrassingly, sometimes I lie and say a family member is from Birmingham. Unfortunately I got caught out once as unknown to me, this person actually knew my dad (who I claimed was from Birmingham) and asked him about it. I was just getting fed up of all the questions yet felt worse for lying.
People just make such a big deal out of it and are amazed that I am not from Birmingham or 'foreign'.
For someone as self conscious as me, it is really hard to deal with.
Thank you again for being so kind x

I have a speech impediment that result in me speaking a little more slowly and carefully (and quietly as people have poked fun over the years I have learned to speak quietly). With me they think I'm either posh or perhaps a little drunk or even stoned (because I don't rush what I'm saying to keep the impediment in check). People are very thoughtless, because it's not the sort of impediment people are familiar thing (such as a stutter) they assume its an accent and annoyingly it becomes 'my fault' or ok to poke fun at. 🙄I do have a slightly different accent to where I live but it's not that making me stand out.

I've got to a point now where I just fix them with a hard stare and say, I have to speak this way, it's how my muscles work. Because I've stopped caring that it makes them uncomfortable.

At work it might be worth saying to someone 'goodness I'm not sure why my voice is such a source of comedy' or such, spread the word that they're being fucking rude.
It's fucking rude whether it's an accent or not. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

OP, I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. But you do sound very clear and purposeful about what you aren;t happy with in life and that is a strong position to be in, to change it.

It's brilliant that you are still in touch with your old boss and that there may be work for you there. This is proof that you are competent and likeable.

If I'm honest,. I think life will be easier for you if you do a bit of work on yourself. That's not the same as saying there's something wrong with you or that you should be more 'normal' (whatever that is) but that certain things make life easier for us, so why not adopt them early on.

If you hate your voice, you can go to a voice coach. Try one who works with actors. They will help you modulate your voice and gain control over it.

You can improve your looks - anyone can (though I really doubt you are as 'weird' looking as you say. Go for a good haircut that stops your hair from being lank - maybe shorter and feathered so it doesn't hang down. You can accentuate your lips with a bit of neutral coloured pencil around the outer edge of the lip line, filled in with same colour lipstick and a bit of gloss. Nothing much, just to balance out your features. (I have very thin lips too.)

Being flat chested is a godsend for certain styles of clothes. Make the most of it.

Finally, decide how to respond to the teasing that upsets you. You can either choose not to care and believe people mean no harm, so laugh it off, or you can speak up and say, 'I'm sure you mean no harm and you're joking but I'm sensitive about my voice so can you please stop commenting and mimicking me.' If they are half decent they will.

I keep getting told that I sound like I come from the west country, pretty much the other end of the country from where I live, and where I was brought up. I also have one of those "all over the place" accents and people take the piss out of how I say certain consonant clusters. I sympathise, it's pretty wearing, but most people don't mean it unkindly.

People taking advantage, bullying you at work, using you as a friend when it suits them, mocking your accent - it all says more about them than you. I know that's easy to say and hard to believe sometimes, but it is true. Do you have hobbies or anything that brings joy to your life? It's a good way to meet people - not all of whom will be bastards - and to work on your own happiness.

Today was really embarrassing again, I am so ashamed.
I met a new colleague and once more was asked about my voice as 'Wow, it's such a strong accent. It's impossible that you were born here.'
Then went with a colleague into a newsagents and there was a guy selling vape products. As we left he said 'I was going to approach you both but can see you (as in me) are too young. '
I am in my late thirties. I know many would say just to get on with it and accept myself but I look like a teenager, sound like a freak and feel like I am a complete abnormality. Self esteem is at absolute rock bottom right now and how can it not be.

Re: the thinning hair, there is stuff you can do for that (if you have some spare cash). My mum is on strong hormone treatment for breast cancer and one of the side effects has been thinning hair. She got some sort of hair thickening extensions from a specialist place for cancer sufferers and people with other health conditions and it looks amazing!

Your not alone on the voice problem I'm 35 and i sound like a child I have such a childish voice I have had people tell me to stop sounding like a child I can't it's my voice not good when I'm only 4 foot and then the midget names start try not to let it get to you