Godchildren you don't see

[Spoldge45]

I was just wondering if anyone else has any godchildren, they don't see or spend time with, as i'm feeling a bit conflicted about a situation & wondered if I'm handling it the right way.

My oldest friend from school married & had children very young, I am Godmother to her eldest. At the time I was only in my early 20's, working full time with a busy life. I whole heartily admit I probably wasn't the greatest of godmothers back then. Tbh her pregnancy really took me by surprise, I had very busy life working & commuting at the time, I didn't have any experience of young children & In all honestly I wasn't really ready to take on such a role, something I now feel a little guilty about.

In hindsight I should have made more time and effort to see them at weekends etc..but my friend and I lives had gone in such different directions, she married a man who can be quite controlling (He didn't really like her going out/would always talk over her or answer questions for her etc..) and I used o feel very uncomfortable going to see her, that couple with the fact that our lives were on such different paths we kind of lost touch over the years that her children were small.

In more recent years I have made much more of an effect, I send all 3 of her children either a small gift or mostly as they are older now I give them money at Christmas, but I don't really 'see' them as such. I only see my friend 2/3x a year, usually just for a coffee & nearly always during the week when both our children are at school & I feel as though it would be a bit awkward meeting her children as they are all teens now and I haven't seen her husband for probably 10 years plus. I must add that despite his nature they are very happily married.

I think looking back if her husband hadn't made me feel so awkward and unwelcome back when the kids were little I may have developed more of a relationship with them, but I honestly don't know.

I have a daughter now also, myself but as we are not religious we didn't do the whole Godparents thing as we felt it was a bit hypocritical, so I've never experienced this from the other side.

I just wonder how common this whole situation is? Does anyone else have a similar situation? I often feel as though I'm not doing enough. I give them a present every Christmas, but for their birthdays, I just send a card, but then my husband will say 'well they don't give anything to our daughter' which is true, but that's not point and I'm not giving to receive.

Another issue I feel a bit confused/unsure of the etiquette is only one of my friends son's is my actual Godchild, but I've always felt that I can't give a present or money to just one, so I've always given to all 3? Is the norm also? Do other do this.

I'm probably reading far too much into the whole situation, I think what makes it harder, is my friend and her husband are both very religious, something I only really discovered a few years ago as my friend wasn't religious or ever went to church when we were younger & much closer friends and so to them the whole godparents situation, probably has much more significance than people who don't go to church etc..

I would really appreciate any views!! Thanks:)

We've not seen our godchildren for many years - kept trying to arrange something but each time it was cancelled (not by us), so eventually gave up.

Keep sending cards for birthdays and Christmas but it's difficult as we don't really know them/know what to buy. Have decided to stop once they reach 18/21.

When we were asked to be godparents (for different children/families) we were both single and childless. We now have children (who don't have godparents as we've decided against infant baptism). None of the godchildren's families have acknowledged their birthdays/Christmas. Which is sad and feels a bit one-sided.

I love being a godparent. I rarely see them but I do birthdays, postcards from holiday and random gifts so they know there is an adult thinking of them. My children benefit from the same relationship with their godchildren. I do believe in god and am willing to maintain a relationship incl residency if it was ever necessary if my godchildrens parents died / obviously hoping not.

My dcs' godparents are great. We message daily and see each other regularly. We consider them family. My own godparents are crap. They bought me a selection box one Christmas and that was it. I was really happy about it but my parents thought it was rubbish of them. They are both weird people and are actually family but might as well not be. My dcs' are a non-related aunt and uncle and much loved. They come to every birthday and share in all their achievements and help us through the tough times. They were shielded as was I but we still saw each other at the permitted distance on the doorstep and later on the garden as well as keeping in touch by phone. I've adopted them as my own godparents too as they have been like a second mum and dad to me.
The other godparents I chose are crap. The Catholic ones. The "real" ones (in the eyes of the Church). One believes men can be women, one is an alcoholic who put my dc at risk once, and the other just never bothered beyond the Baptism day even though we were close. I made poor choices with the Catholic ones but the others are perfect.

One believes men can be women

Is there anything on this site that doesn’t come back to the anti-trans agenda?

I am Godmother to a niece and nephew, but have no relationship with them. I couldn't tell you the last time I saw my own Godparents, maybe when I was 6, and I'm nearly 40 now.
2 of my children have guardians, we had a thanksgiving instead of a christening, but we haven't seen them for about 4 or 5 years now.

I think this is the risk when you choose non family god parents. When we had children I asked friends and colleagues who either their own godparents were or who did they choose for their children and were they still in touch with them/part of their lives. The majority of people whose god parents were friends, were either no longer in lives or played a very small part in their lives.

So you are by no means unusual to be in this situation.

In terms of presents. It would be strange to only give presents to one child. My husband's, sisters godmother (an exception to my rule above), always gave presents to both sil and dh, even though she was just godmother to sil. I think your friend is the weird one not reciprocating with your child.

I'm not a god mother, but I dont see my godmother at all, aged 40. I remember going to see her as a child, but my mum chose her good friend, rather than someone who may be a good choice for the role. My god mother has never been close to me or maternal, I didn't even want to invite her to my wedding simply because I hadn't seen her in such a long time I'd forgotten she was my god mother, plus I'm not religious in any way!!

I think this is the norm tbh. Only one of my DCs' godparents lives locally. She is a friend of mine and I see her regularly but usually during school hours so she doesn't see the child to whom she is godmother much at all.

One of my sister's godmothers was a great presence in our lives growing up, all the others not as much since they lived far away. But now as an adult I have quite a nice, although infrequent and mostly e-mail based relationship with all my godparents.

I come from quite a religious C of E family (we were very active, regular churchgoers) and none of my GPs, despite all being religious themselves, played any role whatsoever in my religious upbringing or ever spoke to me about religion! It's really a ceremonial role in practice.

I have the opposite situation. 3 of my child's godparents never bother. One is my brother and we are very close so spend a lot of time together as a family anyway but the other 3 (2 cousins and 1 of their dh) never bother at all. Even on the day of Baptism the couple didn't even get a card for my DC.
It makes me really sad as if I was ever lucky enough to be asked to be a godparent I'd like to think I'd play a role in that child's life.

My DCs' Godparents are not religious and they are close friends of ours, but the actual purpose of Godparents is not being fulfilled by them and so if years down the line contact faded with our friends, it's not going to change my DCs' religious journey. I take my own DCs to church and we have our own local community to guide them in religion (and they may end up being atheist or changing religion in which case Godparents become pointless anyway) but I atleast feel happier knowing they were baptised.

No one can guess who will be their close friends forever and there is no benefit to forcing a fading friendship so it's natural for many people to not have contact with the Godparents years down the line compared to at the time of the Christening.

OP- I wouldn't worry about the lack of contact you have. Perhaps send cards instead of gifts (including all of their DCs) as a sign you're thinking about them and carry on with your life if they aren't reciprocating effort in the friendship.

I have the opposite issue, my DS Godmother (my best friend of 20 years) took on an amazingly active role as Godparent to my son until we moved cities when he was 6. Despite the fact my DS understands how to keep in touch through messager etc (and he is 14 now), she dropped him like a hot potato. I tried to keep the relationship going, both with me and her and DS and her but she only seems interested in touching base with me every now and then. His birthday is an obvious date, she can't forget... but crickets.... I don't expect much either, just a shout out on Facebook so I could show him (she does it for other friends kids).

I gave up ages ago trying to gloss it over when he would ask me why she forgot him. I'm not going to say anything and she lives in a different country now but it hurts she did this and while I wish her the best, I'm not interested in maintaining the friendship really.

I have 4 Godchildren, dh has 5. We barely see any of them. I always loved to see them when we all did find time though. I used to send presents for all the kids, siblings included, but don’t for the grown up ones now unless it’s a special birthday or graduation etc. I keep in very regular contact with one of my dgc but they are also my dn.

In the case of our kids, we no longer see one of their GP. We just grew apart. The others are close family so no chance of losing touch there.

It's difficult. People ask you as if it's an honour so it's hard to say no - I am GP to two, despite me never going to church so absolutely not going to help the child's path to God (Godparent). But I didn't keep up with them and just feel guilt if I think of it. So wish I'd refused but it would have been awkward if I had.

My kids haven't seen their godparents for years. Their godparents are super religious. My kids are all athiest. They have no interest.

It's s nice tradition in theory but not one that has transitioned well to the modern world if you ask me.

I really wouldn’t be buying them gifts/giving money.

I am godparent to a boy who is now 16. I haven't seen him since he was about 6. I used to be heavily involved in his life and always treated him & bi's older brother equally.

I lost touch with his parents after a row to do with holidays and boundaries. I had just left my abusive husband and had booked to see a relative of mine. "Friend" knew I had time off work and decided I had to cancel my holiday (first in about 4 years at the time)to look after her kids so she could have an adult only break with her bf. I refused and she said some very cruel things as a result. She also fed private info about where I was living back to my husband etc.

I miss the children but I had to protect myself.

My dd has godparents. She has close and regular contact with them.

I don't see my godson, and none of my chosen godparents ever seer my ds's.

Have 2 godchildren I barely see because life gets in the way, don’t provide spiritual guidance but I think in both occasions the clear intention was “It’s a gesture of our friendship not an spiritual expectation”.

Don’t remember any of my godparents - 2 of them I haven’t seen since I was a small child - but one has played a somewhat significant part in my life despite dying six months after becoming my godfather. He was my dad’s best friend since childhood, this was the 80’s, he was gay and he died as a result of AIDS. My dad was a huge campaigner for gay rights and better support and care for AIDS victims, and spoke to us very openly about it throughout our entire childhood which was quite controversial at the time. Dad’s efforts and being ahead of his time had a big, positive impact on us all, he died a few years ago himself but it was what I was by far most proud of him for.

I know my godfather’s intention wasn’t to leave that kind of legacy, but his friendship with my dad was very much felt by us all despite him not being around, and it taught me a lot about the value of good friends. so really I think he inadvertently had a bigger impact on us than the godparents who remained alive!

My children's Godparents don't see them often, but I didn't expect them to. We chose our best and longest standing friends and they don't live particularly close.

They no longer send presents, as the children are adults, but when they did they always sent presents to both children rather than just the one who was their Godchild. I always sent presents to their children too.

Out of 3 god parents each both my DC are only still in touch with one of them
mainly due to relationship breakdowns

I'm god mother to my friends 14 year old son. We were early 20s. Last time I saw them was 4 years ago at my wedding. Unfortunately family, work ect has just meant we have drifted apart and the hobby that introduced us is not part of either of our lives anymore.

I have a 27 year old goddaughter who honestly is like the child I never had and one of my favourite people. We got a lot closer in her late teens when we could have a relationship independent of her mother. We were best friends at school but the friendship didn't last, although I'd still be there if she was genuinely in trouble.
My own godparents were friends of my mother who I only remember meeting once.

Oh totally common.
I am an official godmother to one boy, but he has another godmother and two godfathers. I'm terrible - I only sporadically remember his birthday and have never done anything special one on one with him (he's over 21 now).
I was asked to be, but without any formal ceremony, godparent to another boy (also not the only godmother). He's in a different country so I haven't seen him in years.
I did have the embarrassing situation at a extended family gathering years ago when my uncle asked me in front of everyone who my godfather was. I could only say the truth: 'You'. 😬. Don't sweat it.