To think it’s easy to be hospitable

Sexnotgender · 2022-05-02T15:45:21+00:00

When you’re not the one doing the work? DH said we’ve got different mindsets about hospitality and he’s a throw the doors open type person whereas I’m more reserved. But if people come to stay the bulk of the work falls to me. I feel quite hurt actually.

steppemum · 02/05/2022 16:52

I agree 100%.
I would ask him to host a lunch next weekend. Invite 6 people and then give him a list of all the things that have to be done, shopping, cooking, cleaning, setting up, tidying away, washing up etc etc.
Be clear that you will not be doing any of them, so that he can see how 'easy' it is to be a host.
If, after this, he still thinks the same, then that's fine, you can hpst more often as he has just offered to do it.

LightningAndRainbows · 02/05/2022 16:53

Any context for this? Have you just had people over? I agree with the previous poster, next time let him do the hosting.

buckeejit · 02/05/2022 16:54

Absolutely ask him to show you how to be hospital & who does he want to invite?

Leave it all to him

Romelo · 02/05/2022 16:54

YANBU! My friends husband is like yours (invites people over for the same day, then puts himself on beer handing out duty and that’s about it). Drives her insane, understandably.

Kingharoldshairstyle · 02/05/2022 16:55

Then just tell him to do the work and you don’t do it. There is no issue here. He’s not forcing you to do the work is he? Or is he?

he may have different standards to you but if he wants to host let him crack on, you just enjoy the ride.

Original poster

Sexnotgender · 02/05/2022 16:55

LightningAndRainbows · 02/05/2022 16:53

Any context for this? Have you just had people over? I agree with the previous poster, next time let him do the hosting.

We’re moving to a destination that’s lovely for a holiday and he keeps saying we must invite x,y,z which is lovely but I just don’t want to be overrun with guests all the time.

OP posts:

iklboo · 02/05/2022 16:56

DH used to be like this until I had A Word.

Flowersandwine12 · 02/05/2022 16:56

Absolutely.

Although my dh has way lower standards thrn me. He doesn't understand why I get so stressed pit before people come, he wouldn't think hoovering or cleaning the bathroom was needed

LightningAndRainbows · 02/05/2022 16:57

Sexnotgender · 02/05/2022 16:55

We’re moving to a destination that’s lovely for a holiday and he keeps saying we must invite x,y,z which is lovely but I just don’t want to be overrun with guests all the time.

Show quote history

I see. Then he can do it and you can go away for a holiday? That's a bit different to having someone for dinner.

ArtetasSmoothBallsack · 02/05/2022 16:57

Yep, I've told DH no more offering to host without speaking to me about it first. Considering it would be me doing the shopping, cooking, bed linen etc.

Mitsouko67 · 02/05/2022 17:01

Yes, DH has a habit of turning up from work at the last minute for dinner parties.

Yet always pushing me to entertain.

🙄

L0stinCyberspace · 02/05/2022 17:13

YADNBU - as others suggested say "great" when he next suggests hosting, then leave EVERYTHING for him to organise.

Foolsrule · 02/05/2022 17:21

Let the men invite people round. And then go out - sorry, darling, thought you were sorting this one. I’m off to the gym/pub/solicitor’s to initiate a divorce…

Ludoole · 02/05/2022 17:24

If he had to do all the prep, it will stop.

Laiste · 02/05/2022 17:26

YANBU.

It's not a problem i have as DH is as unsociable as i am 😂Very simple remedy though OP. Ask him to show you how it's done. I bet that'll be the first and last time he sends out invites.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 02/05/2022 17:29

YANBU and I say that as someone married to an enthusiastic host.

orangeisthenewpuce · 02/05/2022 17:31

I've found that doing meat/cheese boards has solved all my problems for hosting. I got the idea from Instagram and they are so easy and look great. Bung everything on and let everyone help themselves

Vsirbdo · 02/05/2022 17:32

Yep I hugely agree; DH preders to host rather than go to peoples but that’s lovely for him when all he has to do is he sociable and not actually leave his home whereas it’s me doing all the work and if I don’t do it then people come and don’t get fed properly etc

StoneofDestiny · 02/05/2022 17:33

Having dinner parties with friends or doing drinks and nibbles for parties - no problem. We do that often - and it's a shared event. Having people to stay over any more than a couple of nights is stressful. It's not the people - just the work you know that will be needed when they have gone (washing bedding etc). I think it's the inability to just relax in your own home as normal ie sprawling across the settee.

Original poster

Sexnotgender · 02/05/2022 20:13

StoneofDestiny · 02/05/2022 17:33

Having dinner parties with friends or doing drinks and nibbles for parties - no problem. We do that often - and it's a shared event. Having people to stay over any more than a couple of nights is stressful. It's not the people - just the work you know that will be needed when they have gone (washing bedding etc). I think it's the inability to just relax in your own home as normal ie sprawling across the settee.

Totally struggle with the inability to relax, I NEED my own space.

We had 6 of DH’s family stay for 3 weeks a couple of years ago and I hated it so much.

Every time I went into a room someone was there.

I don’t mind guests for a few days but weeks at a time just kills me.

OP posts:

FangsForTheMemory · 02/05/2022 20:26

That's because in the great scheme of things, nobody is likely to notice a dustball and think HE hasn't vacuumed. It's wrong, but we all know that's how it is.

Original poster

Sexnotgender · 02/05/2022 20:28

FangsForTheMemory · 02/05/2022 20:26

That's because in the great scheme of things, nobody is likely to notice a dustball and think HE hasn't vacuumed. It's wrong, but we all know that's how it is.

Exactly. Depressing but true.

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 02/05/2022 23:21

Apart from one set of extra bed linen/towels to wash, what extra work are guests? People always talk about shopping/cleaning/cooking, but surely food needs to be bought/houses need to be cleaned/food needs to be cooked anyway?

I love having guests, and don't really see it as much extra work tbh.

Minimalme · 03/05/2022 07:32

If having guests is so important to him, he should have checked you felt the same before setting up a life with you.

It's your home too and you don't want other people in it. And that's fine.

Kingharoldshairstyle · 03/05/2022 07:41

mrsm43s · 02/05/2022 23:21

Apart from one set of extra bed linen/towels to wash, what extra work are guests? People always talk about shopping/cleaning/cooking, but surely food needs to be bought/houses need to be cleaned/food needs to be cooked anyway?

I love having guests, and don't really see it as much extra work tbh.

I love hosting and host regularly bu it’s a lot of extra work. Not just the change of beds and towels people use, but the cooking extra and different food, Ie like most people I don’t tend to just give them what we would have for dinner or breakfast, then all the cleaning up making sure everyone has drinks etc. it is a lot of extra work to be fair.