To think it’s easy to be hospitable

[Sexnotgender]

When you’re not the one doing the work?

DH said we’ve got different mindsets about hospitality and he’s a throw the doors open type person whereas I’m more reserved.

But if people come to stay the bulk of the work falls to me.

I feel quite hurt actually.

All you need to be hospitable is a packet of Party Rings. Invaluable as vegans can eat them too, you see?

I do feed people what we would eat ourselves. Why wouldn't I?

Do this but don't give him a list. Just tell him you want it to be to the same level as when you're the one prepping for hosting a lunch/dinner/bbq/whatever. But do nothing and say nothing to him to help.

When it's clearly not up to the level of how you host, then you can provide him with the list of things you do before you host, the morning of and the day of hosting and what you do throughout the hosting not forgetting clean-up afterwards.

I think in your context @Sexnotgender , it's not a quick dinner or bbq or drinks thing, it's week after week of having these people in your space, so wherever you go, you cannot escape from them. They are just looking for a cheap holiday and you're not a B&B (Air or otherwise) or a hotel.

You could explain to your DH that for every visit that these people stay with you they are saving themselves (pick a mid-priced hotel in your area) per night. It however is costing both of you X amount because of the extra laundry/drinks/food etc. It's not costing these guests anything.

I would also put a limit on the length of time that they can stay with you as well. No more than 3 or 4 days MAXIMUM. They can then move off and stay in a hotel or tour wherever you are in the world. No more 3 week stays.

There are some people who just love to host like this and there are others where this is their idea of hell.

I've spent 30 years trying to get DH to realise the amount of work involved in having guests around for dinner or staying for a few nights but he still doesn't get it.
In many cases we can't just feed them what we eat - we eat virtually anything. We have guests who are GF, dairy free, egg free, vegan, eat fish but not meat..... so it does require meal planning and buying ingredients we don't normally get. All of which falls to me.
DH will cook a main course for guests (as long as I've planned and bought ingredients) but he basically turns up on the day and looks like the perfect host whilst I've done all the work in the background and clear up afterwards. All bedding/towel washing/extra bathroom cleaning falls to me.
DH also has a volunteer role in which he leads a number of activities which sometimes require refreshments - with an expectation of home made! When he offers refreshments I regularly ask him "when are you baking your cakes/cooking the sausage rolls?" I know very well the expectation is that I will do it as my volunteer commitment to this community cause that I never volunteered for in the first place. DH has never baked a cake in his life! (Although he can cook meals)

I think some people just don't get being bothered about others being in your space iyswim. You're either one of those people or you aren't I suspect.

You can just say no. If he invites them then you will be taking yourself off for the weekend and he can host them, and organise it all.

You can compromise by saying he does a 100% of the work getting beds ready and cleaning, and 100% of the cooking, limit to one night stay only. He will do it a few times, and then unsurprisingly he will stop inviting people.

You don't have to do it, if your life as well, and moving to a beautiful place should bring joy not dread.

But why does it 'fall to you'?

Sounds like you've never let him feel the consequences of not shopping, catering for dietary requirements, baking for his volunteer refreshments etc etc.

A lot of all these issues about the husbands assuming that their wives will do everything seem to stem from their wives actually doing everything, before they even have a chance to do it (or not!).

If he's arranged guests or another hosting task/event, let him take the lead with the preparations etc. If he finds himself setting off to his volunteer thing with no box of home baked goodies, then it's his problem to solve, likewise if all his relatives turn up and there's no extra food in, or it gets to bedtime and he's not made the beds up, or even that there isn't anywhere for them to sleep. If anyone says anything to you just look blank and say 'I assumed that he'd done/taken care of it'.

YANBU

We lived abroad for a few years. We were very strict about guests. They never stayed longer than a week. When DPs came to stay I booked their flights. This wasn't me being generous, it was me making sure I knew when they were leaving!

Peter Mayle in A Year in Provence described the problems of a never ending stream of visitors who were using his home as a cheap holiday. It was fun to start with but quickly became a chore. Guests being on holiday and expecting the full holiday rep service from Mayle and his wife.

It isn't just the extra housekeeping. It is the constant need to be in holiday mode: staying up late to talk, making suggestions for things to see, providing holiday food for all dietary requirements, explaining the plumbing etc etc etc. All while you aren't on holiday and still need to keep the normal everyday show on the road: kids to school, laundry etc etc.

A lot of all these issues about the husbands assuming that their wives will do everything seem to stem from their wives actually doing everything, before they even have a chance to do it (or not!).

I don’t disagree entirely.

As a previous poster said though, if the place isn’t hoovered and there’s no loo roll the fingers certainly won’t be pointing at the husband.

As a society we do need to move on and men need to play a bigger role at home.

In the meantime though, I need some boundaries around guests. The problem is DH grew up in a household that very much had an open door policy for guests.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s absolutely not a dinosaur who expects me to do absolutely everything, but we definitely have different standards, probably born out of the judgement we receive.

There’s also an expectation with his job that we will be hospitable, which is absolutely fine, I do like having people over for drinks and dinner etc. it’s more inviting people to stay that I struggle with.

It doesn't actually make how MUCH extra work having guests is (though it's more than you say).

The point is that the husband is suggesting having guests, then leaving OP to deal with all the extra work.

I don't care if it's only changing bedding or whatever - if it wasn't me who wanted to invite the guests, it shouldn't be me who has to sort the beds out.

If you had his parents over and asked who did the work of hosting when they had guests staying while Dh was growing up, what would they say? Ideally your mil would laugh and say oh yes I boiled the sheets made the beds cleaned cooked a lasagne for 6 and baked then packed it all up again for the next lot and you smile and say you’ll have to explain all the steps in detail to Dh, he’s keen to be hosting friends and family when we move, maybe he can practice them on you :)

I find having people to stay very stressful except if they are close family. It’s not the cleaning, it’s being “on” all the time and having to make polite small talk.

Add to that also being expected to take guests to the local tourist sites, help them to get medicine at the pharmacy, explain why they can't have their normal breakfast cereal.

All the while they are on holiday and you are not.

DMIL once asked DH (SAHP) why he was running around doing things while they were staying, why couldn't he just sit down. He had to explain to her that laundry, housework etc still needed to be done. DCs still needed to go to school etc.

TBF DPIL were much better houseguests than DM who frequently complained about how expensive it was to visit us despite her not paying for flights or putting her hand in her pocket while staying with us for a week. I never did work out where this great expense was!

It depends on home set up too. If you’ve got a large home with a guest room and bathroom then it’s a very different set up to if your spare room is currently a home office. We aren’t too untidy but I’d still need to clear things away before visitors. I couldn’t say to a visitor bed linen is in there as I don’t have a linen cupboard it’s piled precariously over water tank with spare loo rolls wedged on top.
Things like glasses - we have enough for us in cupboards but if we have people over I have to dig extras out of sideboard, wash them. If you have a massive kitchen with 12 glasses in it’s less hassle.

Even with family there is an expectation that you’re “on”. SIL visited for a couple weeks at the start of the year and we had to show her all the tourist places and take her around.

Yup, exactly that! That was our experience. There is a limit to the number of times you can go to the same thing without it getting stale for you.

Friends of ours bought a house in France. Enquiries from potential visitors were always met with hotel recommendations! The problem isn't simply family/friends it's also more distant family and friends of friends who spy a cheap holiday to be had for the price of a bottle of wine/bunch of flowers.

This too. We only have one bathroom (shock horror) so when we have guests we use the utility room for sink washing so they can have exclusive use of the bathroom.

Depends on your level of hosting and who you are hosting. If it’s close friends/family who don’t expect anything other than fitting into your normal day to day, then sure it’s just a change of bedsheets and a quick hoover round.

Lets not pretend this is what OP is talking about.

When you have proper guests, you have to plan, shop, clean, prep, cook several meals, entertain, clean up, all while looking after your children (and theirs) and making it all look effortless. It’s a fuck load of extra work.

My DH tends to make it too breezy, “It’s easy, it should be a stress.” I then feel like my effort is undermined, while he feels I’m over anxious and stressing too much.

My parents in law were incredible hosts and had legendary parties where my MIL did all the prep work and cooking and PIL handed round the beers and poked the BBQ. He is lauded as the greatest host of all time. Her contribution is totally unremarked upon. I think this says it all really.

Meant to add, the bathroom wasn’t an issue with ILs as they only had one bathroom themselves and were used to sharing, but some of my friends have en-suites and I feel bad about not being able to offer them their own bathroom.

Aah, yes. I permanently solved this issue by accident.
The accident part was me tearing my calf muscle on the day my DH flew back from a work trip.
As I was in A&E I couldn't phone to tell him before his flight and unbeknownst to me he had called his parents, brother and nephews and invited them over for a BBQ the next day.
When he eventually picked me up from hospital ( he was really concerned, he isnt a knob) the cold hard truth that HE was shopping, cleaning and hosting the next day hit him. I was on some heavy duty painkillers for the first 4 days but I do remember an apology for springing events like this on me in the past and a promise never to do it again. 12 years on and he hasn't 😉

That's a brilliant story @Pollydonia

Exactly @Glitterspy

i also work full time and we have a 1 & 3 year old. I’m not exactly flush for spare time! Though I do spend too long faffing on here😂

My ex used to drive me mad by inviting his family to visit only it was too far to travel to us and back in one day so I would end up having to do loads of extra Cleaning, prep and cooking for them all. The final straw was when he invited 4 adults and 3 children to stay short after I had given birth by section and my Mum had just left after looking after us all for about 10 days. I flipped and asked my sister to come and collect me and children and we went to stay with my Mum for a week whilst he was left dealing with his family.

and then give him a list of all the things that have to be done

Actually I wouldn't even bother with a list. If he's so blasé about hosting let him do the the full mental load - from beginning to end, including cleaning up/laundry etc after guests leave as well. 🌹